• From satanic cymbal-playing chimps to eerily expressive money boxes, we count 15
of the creepiest toys ever made!
15 – Jolly Chimp, • Jolly Chimp is a brand of cymbal-banging
monkey, a toy that’s been around since the 1950s.
When activated, they come alive, banging their cymbals together in an attempt to steal your
soul.
• Presumably they were ripped straight from the underworld, but t he official credit for
creating them goes to Japanese toy manufacturer Daishin C.K.
Daishin gave them the name ‘Musical Jolly Chimp’ – ’cause they look so freaking
jolly, right?
I mean, I’d hate to see what ‘Angry Chimp’ would look like.
• Jolly Chimp’s box proudly advertises that his teeth light up, and that his eyes
bulge in and out of their sockets.
Um, in what parallel dimension is that a selling point?
• This hell-spawn toy appeared in the 1977 film Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
When a UFO nears the main character’s home, Jolly Chimp inexplicably activates, clashing
its cymbals together as if to announce the alien presence.
Spooky. 14 – Furby,
• Furbies are robotic plush toys from the Nineties.
They’re a cross between hamsters, owls and … I don’t know … there might be a bit
of Gizmo from Gremlins in there somewhere.
They were the ‘must-have’ toy from 1998 to 2000, and were popular for their – at
the time – revolutionary artificial intelligence.
• Initially, Furbies speak only in their unique gobbledegook language called Furbish.
This is kind of like how demons are often depicted speaking Latin.
Am I saying there’s a correlation there?
I’m not not saying that.
• Furbies learn English phrases the more they’re played with.
But, frankly, with their big, staring eyes, high-pitched voices and weird habit of turning
on at random, this just makes them creepier.
• In the metafiction novel Lunar Park, a killer Furby terrorises American Psycho author
Bret Easton Ellis.
No one ever suspects the Furby. 13 – E.T.
Finger Light, • It’s 1982.
Spielberg’s E.T.
has just captured the world’s imagination.
Somewhere in Middle America, a brainstorming session is taking place at toy company, Knickerbocker.
It’s 6 p.m.
The staff has worked right through lunch.
Everyone’s fried and a takeaway pizza is sounding soo good right now.
• Suddenly Brian, the work experience kid, walks in.
He isn’t even s’posed to be there ’cause his shift ended at two, but he has to wait
for a ride ’cause he failed his driving test, like, six times.
The room is silent.
He clears his throat and says ‘What about a dong-like appendage that glows at the tip,
and kids can, like, wear it on their finger and go around pretending they’re that three-foot
alien dude from the movie.’
Everyone cheers.
Brian is named president of Knickerbocker.
• Some movie merchandise is so good it practically sells itself.
But only during the cocaine-fuelled haze of the Eighties would this weird and incredibly
suggestive toy have seemed like a good idea.
12 – Toddlerpedes, • Heard of Toddlerpedes yet?
They’re an exciting new toy craze.
Surely your nieces, nephews and cousins have been asking for them?
No?
Okay, so they’re not exactly toys – but they are made from disassembled toy parts.
• Created by surreal artist Jon Beinart, Toddlerpedes are insectoid doll-part assemblages
that are said to represent life, death and the beauty of human oddities.
• Jon likes the idea that the dolls used in his sculptures have played important roles
in many childhoods.
He attributes personalities to each doll; therefore, he’s says, when they come together
to form a Toddlerpede they have a mega-personality.
Mega cool, but also mega creepy. 11 – Sid’s Toys from Toy Story,
• Speaking of scary ways to repurpose dolls … Everyone remembers Sid, Andy’s sadistic
neighbour from the original Toy Story.
Sid was a headline waiting to happen and took perverse pleasure torturing, dismembering
and generally mistreating his toys until Woody and the gang intervened.
• Although good guys at heart, these mutant toys sure scared the hell out of Andy’s
toys – and audiences – when they made their first appearance.
It’s not hard to see why: ringleader Babyface is a one-eyed baby doll head attached to a
spider-like body, Legs is a pair of fashion doll legs attached to a fishing rod, and Hand-in-a-Box
is a Frankenstein-like hand that’s been jammed onto the spring of a jack-in-the-box.
• Sid’s toys have also had starring roles in a lot of kids’ nightmares.
10 – The Face Bank, • Nope, it’s not some weird abomination
from the movie Labyrinth.
The Face Bank is a money box for kids that is designed to make saving fun.
In reality, this creeptastic product probably deterred a whole generation from saving.
These poor savers now make up the homeless population of most major city streets.
Thanks, Face Bank!
• Face Bank isn’t just a pretty face.
It has a built-in heat sensor, which initiates a chewing motion whenever a hand is placed
up to it.
It has a long battery life and can swallow just about any sized coin.
Shame it looks like Leatherface’s mailbox. 9 – Skinny Bones,
• This horror show is a member of the children’s building toy series Bones Family.
They’re like Lego, but are off-the-charts creepy and can only be used to construct people.
(Sorry, no cool Skinny Bones X-Wings.)
• The heads, hands and weighted feet are relatively realistic, but their appendages
are bone thin and made from poseable plastic.
• Created in 1970 by Louis Marx and co., these offensively awful toys were discontinued
after failing to take off.
They have since become highly sought after collector’s items – probably because Skinny
Bones is the perfect monster for a stop-motion horror movie.
• There are four members in the Skinny Bones family: Skinny, his sister Ginny, and their
two pets (no, not Winnie and Chinny): a dog named Ham Bones and a horse named Trom Bones.
Hilarious!
8 – The Screaming Flying Monkey, • Don’t be fooled by his cool cape, mischievous
grin and gimp mask, this Screaming Flying Terror deserves a place in the freakiest toys
hall of fame.
• The Screaming Flying Monkey has long, elasticised bungee arms and finger pockets
in his paws.
With your fingers in his pockets (errm …), simply draw back like a slingshot and watch him fly
up to 25 feet through the air.
• The monkey screams a declarative war cry when jolted, which is pretty much what makes
him so terrifying.
This is the ultimate toy for jerks who enjoy traumatising their younger siblings.
• This screeching simian lies in wait for the perfect opportunity to pounce.
Sleep with one eye open.
7 – Chucky, • Charles Lee Ray – Chucky, to his friends
– is the main antagonist in the Child’s Play and Chucky film series.
He was a notorious serial killer who, when fatally wounded, transferred his spirit into
a doll so he could continue his reign of terror.
• Chucky is one of the most iconic horror villains of all time, and has even won an
MTV Movie Award.
• It’s mandatory for owners of Chucky dolls to lock them away at night, just in
case.
• Chucky was created by Don Mancini, who is probably related to Sid from Toy Story.
6 – Crandall’s Acrobats, • In 1867, toymaker and inventor Charles
M. Crandall created stackable toys called Crandall’s Acrobats.
• Sets contained enough pieces to make five acrobat figures.
Each is comprised of separate, interchangeable torsos, heads, legs and arms.
So far, so innocent, but why then did he make them look so freaking terrifying?
• Let’s play a word association game.
Look at these faces and say the first thing that comes to mind.
If you answered ‘child molester’, you win!
Like the circus wasn’t frightening enough already.
5 – The Creeping Baby Doll, • Nope, not an exaggeration; this thing
is actually called ‘Creeping Baby Doll’.
‘Crawling’ wouldn’t have sufficed, given how insanely creepy this thing is.
• The exact date and manufacturer are not known for sure, but this freakish automaton
was believed to have been created in 1871, and was patented by Robert J. Clay.
• With the turn of a key, this doll appears to crawl along flat surfaces.
Inside the doll’s body is a spring-driven mechanical movement that creates the illusion
that the doll is crawling on its hands and legs.
In reality, the doll rolls along on two concealed wheels.
What witchcraft!
• This mechanical toy is part of a fascinating continuum of figures built to imitate human
life.
4 – Barbie’s Pregnant Friend, Midge, • Midge Hadley is a doll in the Barbie universe.
Created in 1963, she was Barbie’s best friend and was designed to counteract criticism that
Barbie was too sexualised.
Not sure how introducing a homely friend accomplishes that, but okay, Mattel.
Sure.
• In her initial run, Midge was going steady with a male doll named Alan Sherwood.
After much drive-in movie promiscuity, she was reintroduced in 1988 as part of the Happy
Family line.
This version of Midge was married to Alan, (although he was probably getting it from
Barbie every time Ken went out of town).
Midge and Alan had three kids together.
• One of these children, Nikki, was the centre of a huge controversy.
Mattel made the bold decision to release a pregnant version of Midge, with a tiny baby
inside a magnetic removable womb.
• Parents were outraged.
It was obvious to them the doll was advocating teen pregnancy.
The biggest complaint, though, was that, during her first production run, Midge was not shown
to be wearing a wedding ring.
What a scandal!
• Whatever Mattel’s intentions, the pregnant Midge doll is creepy and looks like something
out of Alien.
• Also, there’s no way Ken graduated from med school.
3 – Baby Laugh-a-Lot, • They say laughter’s infectious, but
few would wish to join in when this thing goes on one of its hideous cackling spells.
• Baby Laugh-a-Lot was created by American toy company Remco in 1971.
Its maniacal grin and uncontained laughter struck terror into the hearts of innocent
little girls everywhere.
• This creepy abomination goes into overdrive when its strength is flagging.
Add low or dead batteries into the mix and this thing becomes your worst nightmare.
2 – Little Miss No Name, • Little Miss No Name is definitely the
strangest doll to emerge from Hasbro Toys.
Created in 1965 by famous doll designer Deet D’Andrade, each doll is barefoot and sports
a stuck-on plastic teardrop and burlap sac dress.
Little Miss No Name was thought to be the anti-Barbie, an alternative for girls who
forsook materialism.
• Her large, sad eyes penetrate your soul.
And, with her arm extended, she appears to be begging.
This has got to be where Neil Gaiman found inspiration for Coraline.
1 – Jack-in-the-Box, • Nothing says fun like a creepy mechanical
clown jumping out at you without warning!
• These vintage monstrosities have been around since the 16th century, but it’s
hard to believe they were ever considered appropriate for children.
I mean, what lesson are they supposed to instil?
Don’t open boxes?
Link from the Zelda series would never get anywhere if he followed this logic.
The international postal service would be in complete pandemonium.
Must’ve been pretty dark times if Victorian parents had to scare their children for amusement.
• Jack-in-the-Boxes tap into our fear of the unknown.
They could also be considered the original jump scare.
• It’s pretty much a rite of passage to be scared by these at least once in your childhood.