WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS MORNING, IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN,
"TIME" MAGAZINE HAS ANNOUNCED THEIR CA DAVID PERDUE IN A MOMEN
THAT INSPIRED A LOT OF PEOPLE.
IT WAS NOT BLAKE SHELTON.
NO, THE PERSON OF THE YEAR IS THE #METOO MOVEMENT.
I AGREE, I AGREE.
WHICH MEANS EVERYONE WHO STILL SUBSCRIBES TO MAGAZINES JUST
LEARNED WHAT A HASHTAG IS.
( LAUGHTER ) GREAT CHOICE, I THINK.
REALLY A GREAT CHOICE.
THOUGH A MOVEMENT WHERE SEXUAL ASSAULT SURVIVORS ARE ACTUALLY
BELIEVED SHOULDN'T BE ON THE COVER OF "TIME."
IT SHOULD BE ON THE COVER OF "IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AT ANNOUNCEMENT-- DO YOU
SUBSCRIBE?
DO YOU SUBSCRIBE?
I DON'T.
THE ANNOUNCEMENT WAS MADE ON THIS MORNING'S "TODAY" SHOW.
THEY DO IT EVERY YEAR.
IT ALWAYS EXCITING FOR THEM.
REALLY A SHAME MATT LAUER COULDN'T BE THERE.
I SAID SHAME!
NOW-- IT WILL BE A LONG MONOLOGUE.
LAST YEAR'S WINNER WAS DONALD TRUMP, AND THIS YEAR, HE
CAME IN BEHIND THE #METOO MOVEMENT AT NUMBER TWO.
BUT THAT'S FINE WITH TRUMP.
HE'S GOT A LONG HISTORY OF CREEPING BEHIND WOMEN.
TRUMP'S GOT TO BE ANNOYED, BECAUSE A FEW DAYS AGO, HE
TWEETED, "'TIME MAGAZINE CALLED TO SAY THAT I WAS PROBABLY GOING
TO BE NAMED 'MAN PERSON OF THE YEAR,' LIKE LAST YEAR,
BUT I WOULD HAVE TO AGREE TO AN INTERVIEW AND A MAJOR PHOTO
SHOOT.
I SAID PROBABLY IS NO GOOD AND TOOK A PASS.
THANKS ANYWAY!" "YES, I SAID PROBABLY IS NO
GOOD.
I ALSO PASSED ON 'SEXIEST MAN ALIVE,' 'BEST IN SHOW,' AND 'THE
J.D. POWER AWARD FOR BEST MID-SIZE SEDAN.'
THANKS ANYWAY.
ENJOY!
SAD!"
AND IT REALLY-- IT REALLY HAD TO BE THE #METOO MOVEMENT, BECAUSE
IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY DAY A NEW MAN IS BEING ACCUSED OF SEXUAL
MISCONDUCT.
BUT NOT TODAY.
TODAY IT'S THE SAME MAN: MINNESOTA SENATOR AND FORMER
MINNESOTA SENATOR, AL FRANKEN.
FRANKEN-- I KNOW, I KNOW-- BUT FRANKEN HAS BEEN ACCUSED BY
MULTIPLE WOMEN OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT, AND TODAY, A FORMER
CONGRESSIONAL AIDE SAID THAT "FRANKEN TRIED TO FORCIBLY KISS
HER AFTER A TAPING OF HIS RADIO SHOW."
SHE DUCKED FRANKEN'S LIPS AND THAT, AS SHE WAS LEAVING THE
ROOM, FRANKEN TOLD HER: "IT'S MY RIGHT AS AN ENTERTAINER."
NO, IT ISN'T.
I'M AN ENTERTAINER.
AND I HAPPEN TO ALWAYS CARRY A COPY OF THE "BILL OF RIGHTS FOR
ENTERTAINERS."
LET'S SEE WHAT WE HAVE HERE.
CHECK THIS OUT HERE.
( APPLAUSE ) THERE ARE SOME RIGHTS.
THERE ARE SOME RIGHTS WE ENTERTAINERS ENJOY.
"I HAVE THE RIGHT TO RIDE THE RIDES AT DISNEY AHEAD OF
CHILDREN.
I SKIP SECURITY AT THE AIRPORT THROUGH ONE OF THOSE UNMARKED
DOORS, YOU PEOPLE CAN'T SEE.
AND UNLIMITED FREE STUFF FROM APPLE."
I HAVE A BOWL OF WIRELESS HEADPHONES ON MY KITCHEN
COUNTER.
PEOPLE THINK THEY'RE MINTS.
IT'S A CHOKING HAZARD.
NOW, FRANKEN SAYS, "THIS ALLEGATION IS CATEGORICALLY NOT
TRUE."
BUT THIS ACCUSATION APPEARS TO BE THE STRAW THAT GROPED THE
CAMEL'S BACK.
>> KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND, SENATOR FROM NEW YORK, SHE IS NOW
CALLING ON SENATOR AL FRANKEN TO RESIGN.
>> NOW, EIGHT DEMOCRATIC SENATORS.
>> WE'RE UP TO, I THINK, NINE OR 10.
>> 20.
>> AT LEAST 30.
>> Stephen: "DO I HEAR 29?
30!
31?
31!
SOLD TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE GENTLEMAN FROM ALABAMA."
( APPLAUSE ) HUMINA-HUMINA.
THE IDEA IS SO POPULAR AMONG DEMOCRATS THAT AL FRANKEN IS
QUOTED AS SAYING "I STRONGLY BELIEVE AL FRANKEN SHOULD
RESIGN... OH, WAIT!