[♪ Item Room - "Super Metroid" ♪]
AVGN: ASSSSSSSSS!
[Iconic guitar riff kicks in.]
[Followed by drums.]
♫ He's gonna take you back to the past! ♫
♫ To play the shitty games that suck ass! ♫
♫ He'd rather have... ♫
♫ A buffalo... ♫
♫ Take a diarrhea dump in his ear! ♫
♫ He'd rather eat... ♫
♫ The rotten asshole... ♫
♫ Of a roadkilled skunk, and down it with beer! ♫
♫ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard! ♫
♫ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd! ♫
♫ He's the Angry Atari/Sega Nerd! ♫
♫ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd! ♫
Yeah, when you were a kid in the '80s, and especially the '90s, it was all about runnin' out to the mailbox,
to find that new issue of that video game, magazine, 'cause there was tons of 'em!
They were filled with AWESOME stuff: previews for upcoming games, new consoles, walkthroughs, codes, and reviews.
In the past, I've talked about Nintendo Power,
so it's about time I talk about the others.
Some were about the brands and the consoles like: Atari Age,
but others were more generic, like: Game Pro and Electronic Gaming Monthly.
And even into the millennium, we had Retro Throwback magazines, like: Video Game Collector.
Heh, look at that guy!
What a nerd.
In today's age, you can look up ANYTHING about games you want on the internet: walkthroughs, cheats, reviews, previews, whatever!
Back in the day, if you wanted to know if a game sucked, or how to find a secret, or get an "infinite lives" code,
you had to wait for one of these to come out monthly.
Well, let's start with the oldest magazine I have.
"Atari Age".
They came free, with a subscription to the "Atari Club".
They were pretty short reads, too - only about 15 pages each.
And they were all printed in Center City, Philadelphia.
They didn't give much insight on if the game sucked.
They were mainly filled with fluff pieces about new games to buy, and some articles.
But then again, this was Atari's official magazine, so whaddya expect?
I mean, Nintendo Power did the same thing.
Remember it said, "Back to the Future had that distinct LJN style"?!
The first issue of Atari Age has an awful interview, with none other than...
...Pac-Man.
Filled with awful "Pac" puns.
Pac-Man says: "I had what you'd call a well-rounded education."
AVGN: ...Oh, boy...
[continues reading] "I was involved in high school dramatics — I played the lead in Central High's production of 'Man of la Muncher'"?
AVGN: Huh...?
Pac-Man: "I did more acting in college — mostly theatre-in-the-ROUND productions."
AVGN: Oh, come on!
Oh, I love this issue, right here. "E.T." on the cover.
Might as well just had a sign that says, "The End is Near".
Atari Age also had some cool 'Do-It-Yourself" type articles, teaching you how to fix joysticks, and even how to make your own left-handed joystick.
Overall, a fun magazine to pass the time, or read on the shitter.
Later with the rise of Nintendo and Sega more, magazines began popping up.
They expanded their coverage and became more in-depth.
So, here we have "Game Player's Magazine", "Video Games & Computer Entertainment" — well, that's a good one.
"GamePro" and "Electronic Gaming Monthly".
Game Player's started out as "Game Player's Strategy Guide to Nintendo Games".
It's basically a knock-off of Nintendo Power, but it's unofficial and has nowhere near the quality.
Just look at these screenshots!
I understand capturing game footage, back then, wasn't as easy as it is now, but...
...Look at this shit! Looks like... they took the picture with a Polaroid, then photocopied it 50 times!
And the covers are usually just the box art from whatever game they're covering.
Sometimes, they're all over the place.
Look at this!
They basically took whatever video games stereotypes they could, and slap them on the front.
What game does this represent?
Okay, this guy — he looks like Rad Spencer from Bionic Commando, mixed with Matthew McConaughey...
Why is there a kid doin' a handplant on his shoulder?
Skater Kid looks just as confused as I do.
Okay. THIS, might be the worst cover I've ever seen.
"Super Mario 3".
Apparently, I can't even tell what I'm lookin' at!
What is that thing?!
What is that thi— It looks like a mangled Easter egg or somethin'!
Holy shit, I mean [stammering] th-th-th-they didn't even try!
You have what looks like Wario in the corner, and someone must've sneezed all over the print.
The only thing that could possibly indicate that this is a Mario cover...
....are the words!
Imagine if you couldn't read!
You wouldn't have ANY idea what this was supposed to be!
You-you wouldn't even know, what it is!
I mean, you just be sittin' there, tryna to figure out what this... puked out, pastel, piss picture, is!
One thing that really twists my asshole is the sheer number of ads.
The same 1-900 number shows up three times in the same issue.
Look at this face.
Yeah, laugh it up while you can, kid.
Your dad's gonna flip shit when he sees a $500 fuckin' phone bill!
I swear every other page is an ad!
Look, ad...
Ad...
Ad...!
AD!
AAAD!
AAAAAAAAAADDD!!!
Look at this, a picture of burnt toast that's so big it takes up more than a page!
I don't get it!
The sad thing is I've reviewed most of the games advertised.
There's ads for Hydlide, Super Hydlide, Street Fighter 2010, Silver Surfer,
Tiger Electronics Simon's Quest, Tiger Electronic Ninja Gaiden, Kid Kool, the Power Glove and even Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle.
The most frequent ads I've seem to come across are shitty joysticks. There's tons of 'em!
Shitty joysticks, shitty joysticks, shitty joysticks, everywhere!
I don't get it!
Was there somethin' wrong with the controllers that came with the system?
Whoa, lookie here! The "U-Force"!
Are joysticks a thing of the past?
I hope not! Seeing as most these ads are for JOYSTICKS!
They tryna put themselves out of business?
Not to mention, they all suck ass through a crazy straw.
I like to call these: "Shitty Friend Controllers", because they were the controllers your shitty friend would make you use.
Another thing I love are the ads for the most stupid, useless shit!
Like, look at this!
"Gaming gloves". They're basically, fingerless gloves.
Except with a thumb.
Could you imagine being that guy?
Showing up to your friend's house with these stupid neon Batman gloves?
Was holding a Nintendo controller, REALLY so bad that... [shrugs] he needed protective equipment?
Ugh...
Oh, but it gets worse!
Here you go! The "Thumb Master"! It's basically a bright purple, uhhh...
...cushioned condom... for your thumb.
But it eliminates "Video Thumb"!
Have you ever, in your life, suffered from video-thumb?
Well, maybe Silver Surfer — one of those games where you need a Turbo Controller, and when you do, your thumb will thank you.
"Thank you!"
Now, these guys know how to make an ad, right here! It's a dude gettin' his nuts kicked in!
Why?!
Wh-wh-wh-why did they do this?
This is a real ad!
He's kickin' him in the balls!
This one says, "We Took Some Of The Worst Garbage On TV And Turned It Into A—" [burst of laughter]
"And Turned Into A... Great Video Game"!
Yeah, I bet!
Here's an ad for a ""Game Boy Light".
What really weirds me out is the kid in the back of the car... no seat belt, or anything.
What's even crazier, is in later magazines, they replace this ad with real-life people.
They put this kid's life in danger, just to sell a shitty Game Boy Light.
Oh! Look at that! An ad for aligned Game Boy shit from...
"STD".
Yeah, like how the word, "handy", is in quotes.
Yeah, they just knew they were jerkin' off.
Speaking of STDs and being "handy", there were tons of REALLY adult ads out there, too.
Just look at some of these!
"Kick Some Balls", "Monster Bone", "Pray for a full frontal assault", "Size Does Matter", and of course, the "Sega Dick".
PSM even did a swimsuit special.
What were they thinking?!
The articles range from... "interesting and useful", to "downright idiotic".
One of the best features was the walkthroughs.
Like, right here; they hand-drew all the levels from Super Mario Land on Game Boy.
THAT'S pretty cool.
And here's a walkthrough of RoboCop 2 on NES.
Man, I wish I had found this when I reviewed it last year.
That game made me want to get my dick shot off by RoboCop.
Here's a letter from a kid who has a sister named, "Dhalsim".
He actually sent in her birth certificate to prove it!
Hopefully, it was a copy.
Here, they talk about the Home Alone games, and even promote the upcoming movie sequel and "the Home Alone Phenomenon".
Yeah, such a phenomenon; you know th—that that guy, right there?
He turned out to be a pizza boy.
The reviews are always a major part of these magazines.
They gave kids the insight on which games were worth their money,
and which ones they should avoid, like the fuckin' plague.
But sometimes, these recommendations, are REALLY off the mark.
Like, right here.
Contra III — a game revered as a classic one, of the best side-scrolling shooters on the Super Nintendo, and... they gave it...
...7s.
Then look at this shit!
Terminator 2? On the NES?
A game that's total shit, and it's got "8", a "9", a "7", and "8"!
Are you kidding me?!
Terminator 2 on NES,
has better scores than Contra III?!
Yeah, I mean, th—that's like sayin' I—I... tasted a shit-flavored ice cream.
And I gave it, uh... "10 out of 10"!
It was good, trust me.
That's not the only shit thought highly of.
Here's Double Dragon III.
It's fun factor...
...has a. Perfect. Score.
[8-bit music]
[low tone] No way!
No, way!
They included...
the Bimmy and Jimmy screenshot!
Well, at least the caption has the correct name.
Believe it or not, there existed a magazine... for the Amiga.
CD.
32.
The crazy thing, is that the magazine kept coming out, LONG after they stopped making the system.
And look at this!
They gave GLOOM, a 92 out of a hundred?!
Thankfully, my CD32 is safely [louder tone] burning in Hell, where it belongs!
[Bowser's laugh ala Super Mario 64]
Man, the memories. It's fun to read these knowing, how the technology evolved.
They covered the breakthrough of laser discs, virtual reality, and all the new types of controllers.
Here's the shitty Sega activator.
Damn.
This guy could give Keith Apicary a run for his money.
A lot of these magazines CAME with technology, some being bundled with diskettes and demo CDs.
For the April issues, GamePro would have a parody section, "LamePro". This was fun to read.
I love "Bubonic the Blowfrog" and his pal, "Snails".
Yeah, it was stupid, but back then, it was just cool to see people in the gaming industry making fun of games.
Here's a piece about "The Ultimate Gamer".
This guy's no joke. He makes my Nintendo suit look like a cheap Halloween costume.
Here's "The Top Four Got Video Game Babes"!
And for the ladies "The Top Four Got Video Game Hunks"!
The artwork was always great.
Well, not always, but sometimes.
Oh, in this picture, this kid's holdin' a ninja star [Shuriken], and whippin' out a yo-yo, right as he's about to be brutally murdered by a Skeleton!
Oh, and then check out this picture of Godzilla and... Kinda-King-Kong.
And they're both really shiny, for some reason.
This picture — I don't know what is goin' on. It's just hideous.
When it came to drawing Link, for some reason, they always had a problem.
Here he is, on the cover of Nintendo Strategies.
At least I think it's him.
Oh, and this Link looks more like a villain than a hero.
He's pretty scary!
Zelda's just over there, chillin' with Agahnim.
She doesn't even look like she wants to be saved.
Yeah, she's probably horrified by Link's demon spawn face!
This one's not so bad, but Link looks really pissed.
And this one here, it's like Tim Allen playing Link!
[Tim Allen's signature "EEEHHHHH?!"]
Here's some fanart!
Some of it, is really amazing!
But some of it, as you can see, it's shit.
And I know that's not nice, because it's probably some young kid who drew it, but the kid's grown up, now, so he could handle it; it's shit!
Just flipping through these magazines, it's like opening up a time capsule.
You just can't go wrong.
So, let's end with, a "Top 6".
It's "The Nerd's Top 5 Most '90s Moments in Gaming Magazines"!
"Number 5":
"Crime Wave", LOOK at this scene! I mean, LOOK at this!
Okay, you have this guy screamin'!
And then you have this guy, with these cool shades, and then this girl who looks like she's fallin' asleep or somethin'...
Is this Dan from "Street Fighter: Alpha"?
There's this guy with a backwards hat, wearin' pajamas, carryin' a fuckin' gun!
And then on the ground!
There's all this money, and guns, and bullets, and... cocaine?!
Yeah, in the text, they're talkin' about drugs!
It's cocaine!
In a gaming magazine!
"Number 4":
This gang, right here. You got this badass, biker granny,
This bowtie-wearin' nerd,
this cool gamer kid,
this punk-ass, mohawk motherfucker,
and then this valley girl sitcom star,
and then a bulldog with the same sunglasses as the kid?!
And, it's all for...
...a Pictionary game.
Yeah, "Pictionary".
"Number 3":
An ad for... "Socks the Cat?"
"Rocks the Hill"?
You got Bill Clinton jammin' on the sax, and Socks the Cat comin' out with this real badass-lookin' grin!
What the hell?!
And this is for a real game?!
Now, that's '90s as fuck!
"Number Two":
Wow!
Wow, look at this kid!
He's sayin', "ASSSSSSSSS!"
I mean, look at this!
He's just cruisin' through the galaxy, surfin' through space with those badass sunglasses, and knee pads, and that... Tiger Electronic Game of Narc.
Yeah!
Motherfuckin' '90s!
And at last, "Number 1":
All these glorious, goddamn mullets!
Business in the front, party in the back!
The iconic haircut of the decade!
You wanna look like a bad motherfucker that plays real hard, guzzles Jolt Cola and watches nothin' but MTV, you gotta roll 1090, my dude!
That's 10% up front, 90 'round back!
Look at this Jo Cool 'sumbitch!
That's a guy who knows all the tips and tricks! Yeeeaaah!
Motherfuck!
[Hardcore rock music plays in the background]