if your husband is controlling and
dominating and you are trying to find
your own independence and to feel valued
for who you are as a person then this
video is for you
if you are looking on a video on how to
control your husband then bow out now
because that's not what we are going to
be talking about in this video although
you could definitely benefit from some
of the other videos we have at marriage
helper because control never works and
it will definitely destroy your
relationship
but first for those women looking for
how to
define boundaries how to speak up for
themselves and how to feel like an equal
in their relationship that's exactly
what we're going to begin talking about
in this video it's definitely not
something we can solve in just this
video but i can tell you things that you
can begin doing now my name is kimberly
holmes
and i am the ceo at marriage helper i
have worked with many relationships and
we at marriage helper have worked with
thousands of relationships that have
been affected by a controlling and
dominating spouse husband or wife but
today we're going to be talking about
when you as the wife feel controlled and
dominated and some things that you can
do but first i want you to know that at
the end of this call i'm going to give
you a free resource so be sure that you
stick around it's a free marriage
strategy call that you can have with
someone on our team to see what
resources we have that you can use to
really help you move forward i'll tell
you more about that later but most
importantly if you're in a situation
where you are not safe where you are
physically or mentally emotionally
unsafe you fear being harmed or you are
being harmed then you need to get to
safety immediately and i highly
encourage you
to immediately contact the domestic
abuse hotline because there's there's
nothing good that is going to come if
you're being hurt right now if you're
being physically hurt or if you're being
traumatized emotionally or mentally
so be sure that you get safe first
absolutely first and foremost
i don't think i can say it enough make
sure that you are safe
most of the time when we are in a
situation where our husband is being
controlling towards us here's what that
looks like let me explain
through a story what that actually looks
like i worked with a couple this was
several years ago where the husband was
very controlling he told the wife what
she could eat
when she could eat it
whether or not she could have a job
um he told her she didn't need one he
wouldn't let her have access to the
finances he told her who she should vote
for he told her basically how she should
think but he was very nice he was a he
would he wasn't hurting her
physically and or anything like that but
just the way that he would treat her the
way that he would say things to her
stripped her of her identity
and made her to where
now
after being married for 20 years she
would say
i don't even know who i am anymore i
don't even know what to do without my
husband i don't even know
what my life would look like because
what she had gotten to was feeling like
in order to be loved
she needed to do what he wanted her to
do say what he wanted her to say be who
he wanted her to be
just to feel like he would love her
just so he wouldn't leave her
that's control if you are in that
situation and you're saying yeah my
husband tells me who i should spend time
with how much money i get to spend a
week i mean if he's controlling not in
the sense of you know we have a budget
and each of us stick to it and he has
preferences on who i spend time with
it's not like that control is where you
feel
trapped
you feel stuck and when you tell your
husband how you feel he doesn't listen
and all he wants is for you to do what
he wants you to do so why do people
control
well you have to ask yourself this
question first do you believe that your
husband is a good person
who is currently just in this rhythm of
having bad behaviors or do you feel like
your husband is a bad person with these
bad behaviors
most of the time people who are
controlling are really good people who
have been incredibly broken by something
that has happened to them
and so most of the time our need for
control comes out of a time when we had
no control
most of the time when someone has
controlling tendencies you can look back
in their life and see that something
traumatic happened to them maybe
it was their parents divorcing at a
young age and they felt like they had no
control over what was happening to them
maybe it was something that happened in
a career something terrible that
happened and they felt like they had no
control maybe it was an actual physical
uh physical thing that happened to them
that led to no control there's typically
something that makes the person feel
like they are they had no control and
now
they want control they find they and
most of the time they don't even realize
they're doing it they think they have
good intentions they think that they're
protecting people they think that
they're doing the best thing and they
don't realize how their actions are
affecting other people
so maybe that can help you to
understand from just a different
perspective for a minute what may be
leading to some of these behaviors and
really ask yourself
is your husband a good person or is he a
bad person
or is he someone who is just so
hurtful to himself and to others that he
is a bad person with bad motives bad
intentions
don't feel safe around him and so it you
don't even want to make the marriage
work
99 of the time it's going to fall into
you know what my husband's a good person
and he has been broken by some things
that have happened in his past
so what can you do
honestly
there's little that you can do to change
your husband's behavior
right now because most of the time they
are going to have to first see that they
are being controlling and then secondly
want to do something to change it and
then thirdly
some of the time the majority of the
time i would say get some therapy to to
overcome those where those controlling
habits and tendencies are coming from
so that needs to happen long term and
we're going to get to that in just a
minute but there are things that you can
begin doing now
for you so
you can and absolutely should you have
the right
to say
no
you have the right to say
i'm going to eat what i want to eat i'm
i deserve access to our finances
i'm not going to be a doormat i'm not
going to let you be my father and tell
me what to do
i will be your equal and we work on this
together you have that right now you
might be
intimidated to say those things to your
husband right now especially if you've
been married 10 20 years and never have
then you could think there's no way he's
going to respond well to that and at
first he may not at first it is a
psychological principle that when things
begin to change and like that in a
relationship then at first things are
going to be a little bit worse before
they get better so understand that if
you say you know what
and this is just an example i understand
it may it's probably going to be very
different in your relationship but if he
says you know you need to eat salads
every single day
for you to say you know what i'm going
to need a hamburger today
and he may very well say what in the
world you can't do whatever it is
it could be that you say you know what
i'm going to have the friends that i
want to have
asterisk here assuming that these
friends are good for you right like
we're not going to get
we can't get carried away with all of
this well then i'm just going to do
whatever i want to do and not care how
any of it affects other people because
i'm not going to be controlled let's be
reasonable adults here
i'm not saying to go and get involved
with the mafia i'm saying that if you
just feel like your husband is trying to
limit your access to friends limit your
ability to work limit your access to
finances you have a right to that and
you don't need to be controlled in that
way sometimes control looks less
intimidating sometimes control looks
like your husband
just wanting you to do what he wants to
do now not listening to your feelings
and you have the right to say
you know what i don't want to do that
today
it can look like manipulation if you
don't uh go along with this with me if
you don't go on this
dinner with me with business friends
then i'm going to humiliate you if you
don't
keep the house clean i'm going to keep
your
i'm going to take your allowance down
those are both actual examples that i've
heard so control can look different in
different ways but the bottom line of
what i'm trying to get to is you have
the right to say
i understand your desires and that's
just not what i want to do today that's
not what i want to do tomorrow or
whatever it is you have that right you
don't have to be
a doormat
a lot of times couples see this in our
wives see this in the middle of a
separation or a divorce where the
husband is saying well i you need to do
this you need to
move out of the house you need to
uh
split you need to get less alimony you
whatever it is they try to control out
of intimidation out of tactics like that
and guess what
as the wife you can say
i don't need to do that i'm not going to
do that you have the right now again
this isn't about becoming
complete opposite and you becoming the
controlling person you don't control
control with control
the best way that you can control being
controlled
is by being
a kind gentle caring empathetic
and knowing that you have worth and
value and you don't have to do something
just because someone else is telling you
to
you get to make your own decisions
this is a huge topic though it really is
so much that goes into it
and honestly the only way that long term
your marriage is going to fundamentally
change and your husband become less
controlling and more equal with you
is
for you both
to realize this for you both to go
through like what we do in our workshops
when we talk about how relationships
should happen how couples should work
together
the people who have been controlling in
their marriages which is a lot of people
trust me i have been one of them in the
past
where control has been an issue a lot of
times you don't realize that the person
who is controlling doesn't necessarily
realize that they are being controlling
and so the best thing you can do is both
of you go through an experience where
both of your eyes are opened especially
your husband where you feel controlled
by him because that's the only way he's
going to even begin to see that he needs
to change his behavior
when he sees it how it should be when he
hears it from a reputable source that is
the best thing that can happen we've
seen amazing success from people who've
come through their through our workshop
when there's been control in the
marriage so what are the next steps for
you book that next step strategy session
with one of our client relations reps
they will tell you more about our
coaching our coaching can be extremely
helpful to you in this situation to
understand how to approach your spouse
how to stand up for yourself really
understand how to apply that to your
life
and then our save my marriage course if
you are hesitant to speak with your
husband right now because you don't want
to make things worse but you you need to
understand how to actually make your
marriage better you want to give it one
final shot before giving up but you
don't want to get him involved right now
save my marriage course is the best
thing you can do ultimately though
everything
is about getting to our workshop because
we know
marriage transformation happens there
over a 70 success rate even if you're in
a controlling marriage we would love to
see you and your husband there but book
that call it's free they want to hear
your story what's happened what's gone
on and then guide you to what the next
best step for you is right now we
believe there is hope for your marriage
we want to show you how to grasp that
hope and apply it to your own life let
us show you how
[Music]
you