- Well, I've got a friend who's a massive bumper car.
It's amazing we get on.
Our lifestyles are all totally, totally different.
We were having a general chat about
how you meet potential partners.
And I said, because I like to get to know people
a little bit first, I said,
"I don't think I've ever kissed a man
about whom I didn't know his GCSE results."
(audience laughter)
You may mock, but it's a very good way of filtering out
all of the over-forties with their fuckin' O-levels.
(audience laughter)
My friend said, "Is that true?"
And I said, "Yeah."
And he said, "Oh my God."
He said, "I've had sex with people I haven't even seen."
(audience laughter)
My friend has what I think is a dangerous lifestyle.
He thinks it's exciting, but I think it's dangerous.
For me, exciting is when you start a new tea towel.
(inhales excitedly) (audience laughter)
I love it. It's been in the cupboard.
It's all clean.
It's got no bean juice on it.
Fuckin' love it.
(audience laughter)
But my friend's lifestyle is dangerous.
He takes drugs on a regular basis.
I drink three pints of shandy a year.
I can't even drink properly, let alone take drugs.
Give us a cheer if you've never taken drugs in your life.
(audience cheers)
There's loads of us, see.
And my friend was telling me about this proper night
that he'd had, this proper,
he was listing all of these drugs
and I don't know anything about drugs,
but I was pretending to, to look cool.
And as he was listing them, I was going,
"Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Oh, that one's smashing."
(audience laughter)
And the reason I don't know anything about drugs is
because Zammo said, "Say no."
(audience laughter and applause)
That's a very age-specific joke, that one.
There's a lot of people under 30 going,
"Who the fuck is Zammo?"
(audience laughter)
Google him. You might learn something.
(audience laughter)
So my friend's story is getting increasingly more boastful,
and that horrible feeling that I was gonna have to match it
at the end with a similar story.
And he ended his story by saying, "Oh my God,
my friends were texting me the next day saying,
'You've got no idea what you shit you got up to last night.
It was brilliant.'"
And then he went like this.
Like it was my turn.
I was thinking, "What on earth am I gonna say?"
So I had to think, and I went,
"Sometimes, oh fuck.
Sometimes I eat Strepsils when I've run out of sweets."
(audience laughter)
I'm not proud.
(audience laughter)
But then my friend starts telling me
about his sexual exploits.
And he said he'd had sex on a kitchen sink.
He said, "Have you ever had sex on a kitchen sink?"
And I wanted to tell him that I thought
it sounded incredibly unhygienic.
(audience laughter)
But I didn't.
I just went, "No."
And I got home and I thought, "Am I a prude?
I don't think I am a prude, but maybe I am."
So I said to my boyfriend,
(audience laughter)
"Would you like to have sex on a kitchen sink?"
I get the impression it's supposed to be a bit more
in the moment, you know, rather than like,
"When you've done those dishes, get your arse on there."
(audience laughter)
Because we're very well matched.
My boyfriend said,
"Why would I want to have sex on a kitchen sink?
That'd be like eating your dinner out of a shoe."
(audience laughter)
Then my friend said he had sex on a plane.
He said, "Have you ever had sex on a plane?"
I said, "I've not had sex on a sink.
And that's in me flat. What do you reckon?"
(audience laughter)
And he said, "I've had sex on a plane."
He said, "That's dangerous. That's exciting."
I said, "Well, I suppose it is.
But I think having a massive shit
with a queue outside on a plane is more dangerous."
(audience laughter)
And I've definitely done that.
(audience laughter)
(audience applause)
And from the clapping I can tell I'm not the only one.
We're all members of the pile high club.
(audience laughter)
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican.
And thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour
with a brand new show called Bobby Dazzler.
For all the information about where I'm going
and when go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks.