Hey guys, welcome back thanks for joining me for another video if you're new to my channel, my name is Stephanie
I am a life and relationship coach if you are a subscriber and part of the notification group welcome
Thank you guys so much for sending me all the love the comments the support everyone social media
I really appreciate it and I was thinking about this recently
I've been doing this channel for a little over a year now and I see the same
Ride-or-die people, you know in the first hour - a posting a video or on you know?
Instagram and Facebook like one's the new video coming out its Tuesday
I can't wait for the topic and you guys really love this channel, and it's really helped you
Tremendously and I want to give back and thank you guys for all of your love and support
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If you are a I'm going to be giving away an hour of free coaching
so if you've ever wanted to provide a coaching with me and just couldn't for whatever reason or
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session with you
So it's just my way again of saying thank you guys so much for everything
That you've done for this channel over the last year and I really appreciate it. And to be honest
I really want to get a chance to get to know you guys as well. So, you know what to do
So this week I wanted to dive into the narcissus new supplies
so basically their new partner their new girlfriend their new boyfriend and why this situation is so painful because
It really is
So one of the questions that I often get asked is can this person change are they happy in this new relationship?
You know what?
Was it about me that made this person just jump ship and they just ran into this relationship so quickly with this other person
So, you know
I must have done something wrong and they just kind of blame
themselves or they really want to know like is this person actually happy in this new relationship and
I want to start at the beginning. So can this person change? Absolutely?
no, and if you understand
Narcissistic abuse if you understand the abusive cycle
Then you know how this game is played because you were part of the game for a very long time
So, you know that in the beginning stages, we're gonna do the the love bombing. We're going to groom the victim
We're going to be everything that this person has ever wanted
We're going to pretend you know
They're gonna pretend to be prince charming and romantic
Gestures and all of these things and I have made a video and I'll link it down below
the difference between the honeymoon phase in a relationship a healthy relationship versus a
Narcissistically abusive love bombing phase so definitely go check that out. If you need to know the difference between the two but
You don't understand the abusive cycle. So, you know how this game works. Like I said because you are a part of it
So you'll also
Understand that there is no way that your ex
Can have a healthy relationship?
With anyone whether it's you whether it's the most perfect human being on the planet the most perfect woman the most perfect man
They can't have a healthy relationship
It will always be an abusive toxic unhealthy relationship because there are two things that they lack they lack the ability to have empathy
So if I don't have empathy and I can't I can't really feel
Sympathy and compassion and have empathy for another human being that means that I can't connect with you
I have an inability to have deep connections with people because I don't know how to sit in a space for someone else
So what I mean by setting a space for you is really empathy
So if I'm having empathy for you and you're telling me a story then and I'm feeling it so if you've ever watched something on
TV and gotten emotional that's you having empathy for what someone is going through, you know?
If we watch a movie
and there's a really sad ending and someone passes away or you see a woman that lost the love of her life and you get
Emotional and you feel that feeling that that person is probably experiencing
you know that character is probably experiencing that's you having empathy and that ability to have empathy allows you to
not
Do things that are abusive or unhealthy or?
You know cruel or you know, we we can we can hurt people because we're hurting inside right so hurt people hurt people
So if I have wounds and I don't know what they are and I do
Something and I unleash that wound on you and it hurts you
That but I have but I understand why I did it
I understand that I did that because of this and I know that I hurt you
And I'm so sorry and you feel that some that that hurt that guilt that shame for what you did
That's your ability to connect with people right? That's that's your ability to feel so to speak
So a narcissist has an inability to feel it doesn't mean that they don't cry. It doesn't mean that they're not sad sometimes
They can tiptoe in that feeling but they can't really ever sit in and feel it because they don't know how to feel their emotions
So if you lack empathy and you have an inability to connect on that real deep level
You're not we're gonna have a healthy relationship
You're never gonna have a deep connection with anyone. Everything is always going to be surface level
So surface level relationships is basically what can I get out of this? What am I gonna get from you or what?
Are you giving me and what do all narcissists want?
Narcissistic supply, so if you were discarded
Which is a painful thing to have to go through and if you are going through that my heart goes out to you
because when you love and trust someone you have a marriage with someone a relationship with someone you share life with someone and they can
walk away and
discard you like you were yesterday's trash and not only discard you but also spit on you and kick you while you're down I mean
that it's so painful and
Even if you weren't discarded if you had to end a relationship
With someone because you saw the mask was starting to come off or you just couldn't tolerate it anymore again
That's not an easy thing to go through either
that's the ending of something and there's a
Process that all of us have to go through whether we're discard it or not in order to heal past that relationship
So if this person lacks the ability to have these two things then no this new
Partner that there with their new girlfriend and her boyfriend is not getting a different version than what you got
They're getting the same thing
what what the problem is is that because of social media and because
You know, whether you have to co-parent whether you have to still see your ex at work and you hear things and see things
You know
Maybe they fly their new partner in your face all the time or whatever the situation is
You are going to its normal sometimes to go to that place of seeing the facade
And if you see the facade and you believe it
I always say the show is about to start
So if the show is starting and you sit down at the front row
Like everyone else like the narcissist family and friends and co-workers
and people on social media and you just are sitting there watching that show happen and you believe everything that everyone else is believing then
You're being manipulated by the narcissus you're believing this fake
Story that the narcissist wants to display to the world to pretend
Like they're they have the perfect relationship like they're so happy
And the reason why a narcissist will do this is because they need to feel good
About the decisions that they make so the narcissist created a story in their mind or a belief quite frankly
They wholeheartedly believe it that you were the problem
so if you were
discarded you
Were the problem because you didn't do this this and this you didn't give the narcissist what they wanted, right?
You weren't a good source of narcissistic supply
so you didn't have poor boundaries and something that I always tell people that are discarded because the discard is
extremely painful, believe me I know but when a discard happens
It is actually such a compliment to yourself because what it means is is that no matter
How weak you probably were at certain points your relationship and when you look back you can definitely see that
But no matter how fragile you were
that that person wasn't able to really break you you weren't a good source of
narcissistic supply and that's a great thing and I literally get goosebumps as I say that because if
you even if you ended a
Relationship with a narcissist that's still a great thing because that means that you were self empowered that you loved yourself enough to say no
Matter how much I love you? I love me first and I'm not putting up with this anymore
And no matter how many times you may have gone back and forth in a relationship that you at some point
Stood your ground to say I deserve better and I'm gonna get better. So whether it's you leaving the relationship or the discard look at
Especially the discard look at it is such a compliment to yourself
And the reason why I focus more on the discard is only because when you're just scarred it hurts your ego a little bit
There's something and then it that stings a little bit more than you making the decision to leave a relationship
Because if you make the decision to leave the relationship
even if you don't want to
You still in your mind have gone to a place where you're not with this person anymore
Whereas when a discard happens, you're kind of just in love living life with this person
Then all of a sudden they just go away. It's almost it's really like a death
So if you're with someone you're happily married
You're happy in a relationship and then god forbid something happens and they get hit by bus tomorrow
It's really the same experience. Something is taken away from you. Um
So let's get back to my point, basically
but if you're sitting there and the show is about to start and you believe that story then you are being manipulated by the
Narcissist and that's something that's really important to be aware of so, you know about abuse. You know, how abuse kill goes
You know that this person quite frankly is incapable of change
They're never gonna change who they are because they can't recognize where their wounds are. They don't know what's going on with them
I always say the craziest people are the people that don't know that don't know what's wrong with them because we're all a little messed
up
We all have wounds and things that we need to heal from and the people that live life and don't think that they have anything
Wrong with them at all
They have absolutely no
Insecurities and they can't be real with you and they can't have empathy for others and have real deep connections with people
KooKoo, I mean coo coo like so you think that that new person is getting a healthier version than what you saw
I mean to me that's almost
Like ludicrous to even think that doesn't mean that they're a different person
Than the person that you were with because a narcissist is selfish
So at the end of the day, they're still going to be abusive
there's I'm gonna do what they want and they're gonna do that cycle over and over again, so
what you saw in the beginning the love-bombing the charming all these things you're my soulmate and
Then the abuse started to happen where they became selfish and they did whatever they wanted and they wanted you to overlook it
Basically, and you weren't able to then you got discarded. Whereas perhaps this new person when that abuse starts to happen
they take it and
For whatever their reasons are they're on their own journey
Maybe they're narcissistic as well. And the two are just feeding off of each other because they're both superficial. They both have emotional wounds
They don't know what those wounds are and so they just have a very unhealthy dynamic between them
So you have 2x you have to understand and really know and this isn't oh
It's gonna make me feel better
If I think this this just is reality is that all you're seeing is smoke and mirrors
You don't really know what's going on in that relationship
And sometimes if you are still close with your ex
like if you have to co-parent or if you have to work with that or just whatever the dynamic is if on some
Level you still know about what's going on with their life. You will see you will hear snippets of information
Where you go? That sounds familiar. That sounds like something that I went through and
It's validating because it helps you to
Again, reiterate the knowing in the belief that what you got is the same thing that this person is getting it's really no different
You know a lot of the times to a narcissist will stay or get involved in this new
Relationship with this person quite frankly just to hurt you
I mean
it's great that they're getting a new supply from someone else and this new supply makes them feel amazing like
Overlooks all of their abuse doesn't hold them accountable for anything. They're new partners maybe
We can has poor boundaries just like you were in the beginning of your relationship. So
regardless of that sometimes someone just gets hooked up in a relationship because
They need to put the focus on the fact that you are the problem in the relationship
so if you were the problem in the relationship and that's really the story that I want to believe as the narcissist then I'm
Going to I'm not going to jump from relation ship-to relationship
I'm gonna stay in a relationship and I'm gonna stay as long as I possibly can
Because I need everyone around me to believe that it wasn't me. It was you and
If that's the case, then yeah, they're gonna get hooked up with someone really really quickly
they're going to tell the world from the mountains way up high that this person is the one
that they finally found this person that you were the mistake when this is really
Exactly what I wanted and the only reason why they want it is because they're getting something from it
A narcissist is just an opportunist. So there again no real deep connection. No real ability to have empathy
very selfish and entitled so with all of those things that
new person is basically just
another character in their show
Right you they have just taken you out of the play and replaced you with this new person
and of course, yes, that's that's hurtful but in
Order to move on in order to not focus so much on what is happening in that dynamic?
And are they having the relationship that I wanted and what was wrong with me then tada and playing that story over and over again?
That's not serving you that's actually just hurting you
You have to understand these things and you have to understand that even regardless of what's going on over there
Regardless is that that person wasn't right for you?
That that person wasn't healthy for you that that person didn't love you the way that you deserve to be loved
Loved and that itself should be enough for you to say I'm blocking everyone on social media
I don't want to hear about what's going on with this person from family friends
whoever perhaps I need to get a new job, you know distance yourself as much as you possibly can from this person and
When you're having a lonely night do not go on social media make it a point to not stock on social media I have
So many people that I've coached that will tell me that you know
I do this and I know I do this and I know I go on and I don't know why I do it
And on some level you're addicted to the pain you're addicted to torturing yourself
When you put yourself first when you say I deserve to be happy, I'm gonna love myself
You're going to be it's almost like a drug addict, right?
You're gonna be able be like, all right, I'm not gonna do that drug. I deserve to be happy
I'm gonna fight this off and you keep fighting this and you keep reminding yourself of who you are and why this Pleasant why this
Person wasn't good for you
And that regardless of what's going on with that if he or she stays in a relationship for 50 years with that person
Okay
Whatever that has nothing to do with you. You need to focus on loving yourself. You need to focus on
Moving on with your life and creating the best life possible
Because that's what you deserve. So I hope that this video has helped you guys understand that dynamic
you know that relationship with that new partner and I hope it gave you some insight on how you
Yourself can move on and definitely check out some of my videos on forgiveness how to heal after heartbreak all of those things
I'll link them down below or you can just check them out on my channel in general
And if you have liked this video, don't forget to give it a thumbs up and I will see you next week