- I never thought I'd be spending a Saturday night thinking,
(beep) I hope I don't follow Martha Stewart.
(laughing)
- Local comedian, Dom Irrera is here, Dom,
if you just keep doing what you've been doing,
I'm sure you'll eventually be discovered
by your landlord two weeks after your heart attack.
(cheering)
- Martha, thanks for coming,
I know that's probably something
you don't do much of anymore.
- Let's get to the reason I'm here tonight,
which is to give Justin Bieber some tips
to use when he inevitably ends up in prison.
I've been in lockup and you wouldn't last a week.
So pay attention.
The first thing you'll need is a shank.
I made mine out of a pin tail comb and a pack of gum.
I'll show you how later, it's so simple.
I found the Bubblicious works best
and it's so much fun to say.
You see, when I did my stretch,
all the hood rats on my cell block
wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart's ass,
so I decided some bitch needed to get got.
I walk into the chow hall,
picked out the biggest bull dyke and I stuck her.
From then on,
prison was easier than making blueberry scones.
(laughing)
And Shaq, I hope your mom doesn't still hold a grudge.
Justin, before I go, here's my final piece of advice.
You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life,
find yourself the right gal,
but she'll have to be someone on your level,
someone powerful and famous and rich,
someone you can smoke a joint with
or indulge in the occasional three-way.
I'm talking about a player in the boardroom
and a freak in the bedroom.
So Justin, my final piece of advice is, call me.
Or-
(cheering)
Or not.
I'm out, bitch.
- I see you over there laughing, Martha Stewart.
What you laughing at, huh?
She's so old,
if you look closely at the hundred dollar bill,
you can see Martha photo bombing Ben Franklin
in the background.
- I believe the bedroom is the most important room
in the house, but I don't have to tell you that, Ludicrous.
You have three kids with three different women.
May I suggest pulling out some time
and finishing on some fine, highly absorbent,
Martha Stewart bed linens.
(cheering)
- I had the honor of playing Martha in two separate movies.
I did my best,
but the only one to truly capture Martha Stewart
was the FBI.
(laughing)
- I remember years ago,
when I heard there was going to be a movie,
a TV movie about me, I thought, oh God, no,
because they're always so dreadful.
I was really nervous.
Well, you can imagine my relief
when I found out Cybill Shepherd was going to play me.
I thought, Cybill Shepherd, great, no one will see it.
(laughing)
Now, Cybill, isn't it interesting that your career
basically ended after that role?
As if you'd offended someone, someone with power,
someone with vast resources and money.
Who could cook up such a plan?
Who could craft such a scheme?
It was me, bitch.
(cheering)
- If anyone can survive in prison,
it's someone who can toss a salad.
(cheering)
That's right, Martha's a real corporate king pin.
She even has her own brand of wine.
It's like her boyfriend, it comes in an old box.
Martha is also a humanitarian.
When she heard about the kids at the border,
living in tiny cages, she sent them sewing machines.
What's wrong with that?
- Hi, Bruce.
I have great respect for our honoree, Bruce Willis,
our roastee,
probably because I've never seen any of the movies
everybody's talking about.
Unlike everyone here tonight,
I personally have a great appreciation for Bruce's music.
I play it at all my parties when it's late
and I want everyone to leave immediately.
Bruce and I are actually neighbors.
We're in the same town in Bedford.
He has a wonderful house.
The interior design is amazing.
He wanted everything inside to look mid-century, modern,
except his new wife.
I remember when Bruce invited me to their wedding,
he hand delivered the invitation and I told him,
I'll catch the next one.
(laughing)
- Martha Stewart, shank you for being here.
Seriously.
And congratulations on getting that Thai soccer team
out of your vagina.
And into your sweat shops.
That's where they are now.
- Nikki Glaser, you have it all,
the name of a professional porn star
and the body of an amateur porn star.
You know, I'm a big supporter of the Me Too movement.
But remember Nikki,
Me Too shouldn't just be what a guy says to his friend
when he tells him he had sex with Nikki Glaser.
- Noted.
- In case you didn't know, I am Shaquille O'Neal,
Shaq Diesel.
(cheering)
Superman, Big Aristotle, Big Cactus,
Big Galactus and Martha Stewart's baby daddy.
And trust me, Martha know how to work that mother (beep).
Boy, let me tell you.
Once you go Shaq, you never go back,
ain't that right, Martha?
- When Shaq bought his house, Shaq, are you listening?
I was the first person he called.
The house had 13 bedrooms
and I helped convert eight of them into refrigerators.
- All these rappers on stage
and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time.
- I taught Snoop that the most important thing in business
is diversification.
Besides his music career,
Snoop now has produced a porn movie.
And by the way, Natasha, you were great in that.
So I guess that tonight's the second time
you've worked with five black guys.
You know, I do a lot of gardening,
but you are without a doubt the dirtiest,
used up ho I have ever seen.
(upbeat music)