- Thanks very much for coming to my show.
This is quite a long tour for me,
and I get a little bit nervous.
I'm a little bit nervous 'cause I have a habit
of buyin' trinkets wherever I go, sort of mementos,
and I'm a little bit nervous that by the end of the tour,
I might need a fuckin' extension.
(audience laughs)
On the last tour, we were in Edinburgh,
and I bought a cup, a really nice little cup,
and on the side of the cup, it said,
"I'd rather be in Edinburgh."
Quite smug, that, isn't it?
But I liked it.
It was perfect for drinking out
when I was in actual Edinburgh,
but when you take that home,
and you sit beside your husband in your kitchen
and drink out of it,
that's a very different message, isn't it?
(audience laughs)
It's quite passive aggressive now.
Now, it says, "Oh, I'd rather be in Edinburgh,"
and it made me wonder, do you think that's the slowest way
you could break up with somebody,
just buy all of the cups from all of the different places?
(audience laughs)
And in the last one, if he still hasn't taken the hint,
just write on it in a sharpie,
"Anywhere you're fuckin' not."
(audience laughs)
But I had to go that the doctor's.
I had a sore throat for a bit too long,
and I went to see my doctor.
My doctor said, "I'm gonna send you to see a specialist,
an ear and nose and throat specialist."
So I said, "Okay."
So I got to see this fellow, lovely fellow he was.
He said to me, "Do you suffer from acid reflux?"
And I said, "No."
And then when I got home, I thought,
"I should have said yes,"
'cause I realised that my husband and I eat so many Rennies
that we call them bathroom sweets.
(audience laughs)
He said to me, "I'd like you to take Gaviscon
after every meal."
I said, "After every meal or every time I've eaten?
'Cause those two are very different numbers."
(audience laughs)
He said, "Ideally, I'd like to put a camera down your throat
so we can have a look at what we're dealing with."
I said, "Okay," and I thought,
"This is a bit where he sends me away,
and I come back in six months with a new appointment,"
and he went, "No, no we can do that now."
"Oh, shit." (audience laughs)
So he came out with this contraption,
metal like this and metal like this.
The main thing you need to know is that it's very rigid.
None of it moves.
So I have to move because it won't move,
and he puts it down my throat,
and I instantly gagged, (gags)
(audience laughs)
and he pulled it out, and he said,
"Are you gonna be okay with this?"
And I said, "Yes." (audience laughs)
And he put it back in, (gags) again.
(audience laughs) It was mortifying.
He said, "Do me a favour.
The next time you think you're gonna gag, do this.
Heeeeeeee.
I said, "Why?"
He said, "It stops your gaggin'," and I thought, "Noted."
(audience laughs and applauds)
My husband's gonna think
he's being sucked off by a Geordie pensioner.
(audience laughs)
And who knows, someday he might be.
No, I mean, that will be pensioners.
I don't mean like for a present.
(audience laughs)
Come on in, Dorris.
He's ready for his gift now.
Happy birthday to heeeeeee. (audience laughs)
One of the main differences I noticed
when I moved to the countryside,
having lived in the city centre for so long,
is that power cuts last a lot longer.
So the first power cut we had in the countryside
lasted 26 hours.
I'd never experienced anything like that before,
and we realised by 6:00 pm,
the power wasn't gonna come back on.
So we just prepared for a night without it.
Now, luckily, my husband is quite a bear grills.
(audience laughs)
I know.
So he went foragin' for curry. (audience laughs)
But before he left, he said to me,
"Don't waste the battery power on the torches."
I said, "Okay."
He said, "Just light the few candles."
Now, I'm not a very girly girl
so candles are never something
I would especially buy for myself,
but luckily, I've got loads of friends
who don't know me at all. (audience laughs)
I've got shitloads of scented candles.
So I lit a few, and by the time my husband came back in,
I was relaxed, horny, and excited for Christmas.
(audience laughs and applauds)
But we took the dog to the vet quite early on.
The vet said, "He's a bit underweight."
Like I had to get the vet to say that word
a couple more times 'cause I'd not heard it before.
(audience laughs)
The vet said, "We can fatten him up."
I thought, "Good, 'cause we're smashing at that
at our house." (audience laughs)
And then I thought, "When we stand in the line,
then he'll blend in, you know?
'Cause we clearly do that a lot
like the fuckin' Von Trapps."
(audience laughs)
The vet said, "Don't worry if he's even overweight."
I said, "Is that okay?"
He said, "Yeah, because then, if he's ever ill,
he's got a little bit of weight he can afford to lose,"
and the vet referred to it as paddin' against illness.
I said, "How come no doctors ever suggested this to me?"
(audience laughs)
I reckon I can have six weeks of sickness in diarrhoea
and still not be able to get in anything in Topshop.
(audience laughs and applauds)
One of my friends said to me,
"You know, you talk about having hairy toes."
I said, "Yeah."
She said, "You just mean the two big ones, don't you?"
I said, "Okay." (laughs) (audience laughs)
"No, no." (audience laughs)
"No, it was all the way along."
Sometimes the little toe is more hair than fuckin' nail.
(audience laughs)
You are welcome for that visual image
I've just given you all.
Take that home, pop that in your wanker banks for laters.
(audience laughs)
I turned 41 quite recently.
I like being in my 40s.
Gives a cheer if you're 40 and above.
(audience cheers)
Isn't it good?
I like it a lot.
I think I just don't give a shit
about unimportant things anymore.
Few things change when I turn 40.
One of the things that changed when I turned 40
is that I've stopped sniffing me leggings.
(audience laughs)
I used to sniff them to see
if I could get another day out of them.
(audience laughs)
Whereas now, I just assume that I can.
(audience laughs)
I don't think I'm an nag,
but maybe you guys can tell me otherwise.
So my husband isn't really interested in clothes.
Neither am I, especially that's not a big deal at all,
but when he puts his jacket on,
the collar's always turned in over,
and I always have to go, "Love, flick your collar out.
Your collar.
Your collar on your jacket.
Just flick it out, it's tucked in.
It's tucked in, your collar. (audience laughs)
Your collar, it's tucked in.
It's tucked in on your jacket.
On your jacket, on your jacket, just flick it out.
Just do what I'm doing.
Just do that. (audience laughing continues)
It's just tucked underneath.
Just flick it out.
Just flick it out, your collar.
Your collar, your collar on your jacket, on your jacket.
Just on your jacket, on your jacket.
No, not your shirt.
No, your shirt's fine.
Well, it's not now.
You fucked it. (audience laughing continues)
Your jacket, no your jacket.
It looks-
I just want you to look like somebody loves you.
For fuck's sake, flick your fuckin' collar out."
(audience laughs)
I can hear how horrible that sounds.
So I've got a better approach.
I think this is much more positive.
This is what I do now.
I go, "Love," and he goes, "What?"
I go, "Do your impression of Funzie,"
and he flicks it up and goes, "Ey."
(audience laughs and applauds)
I get what I want.
He thinks I like his impressions, that's good.
(audience laughs)
I'm glad you're here, and I'm glad you're well.
I'm also, well.
I had migraine a few weeks ago.
I don't get them often enough to worry about,
but I had to get them every now and again,
and I thought I'll go on Twitter,
and I'll ask people on Twitter
how they get rid of their migraines.
Gives a cheer if you are on Twitter.
(audience cheers)
Quite a few and I got the usual sort of expected responses,
and then my favourite one came up,
and it said two Nurofen and a wank.
(audience laughs)
And it totally worked. (audience laughs and applauds)
If anything, you just pushed the throbbin' down a bit.
(audience laughs)
Thanks, @bootsthechemist. (audience laughs)
But the dog didn't know how to play when we first got him.
It was very sad to say, and we throw a ball,
he didn't understand.
We got all sorts of toys, he didn't get any of it.
It was really sad, and then one day,
my husband was getting ready for bed,
and as he pulled off one of his socks,
the dog jumped up and grabbed it,
and they had a little game.
It was so nice to say the dog play.
On further investigation,
we've discovered that the dog doesn't like clean socks.
Only likes the ones my husband refers to as meaty.
(audience laughs)
Also doesn't like my socks, which I suppose is a compliment
'cause I guess it means they're not very meaty,
but I was still quite hurt by that,
but I'm nothing, if not competitive in love,
and I thought, "What could throw him
that would be worse than socks?"
(audience laughs)
I love how quick you are. (audience laughs)
And I did exactly what you think I did.
(audience laughs)
I throw my pants at him, and he fuckin' loves it.
(audience laughs and applauds)
I think women initiate sex.
I think maybe men aren't always so good
at picking up the signals.
Maybe that's where the communication falls down.
So a bloke would be like,
"Yeah, she was lying on the bed.
She had her hair all sort of fanned out on the pillow.
She had a tiny towel on so I could basically see everything,
and she'd just put lipstick on, which is weird
'cause she'd just got out the bath.
(audience laughs)
But I decided to initiate sex.
Five, four, three..." (audience laughs)
"Can I just stop you there?
I'm not really a countdown flower.
I started ages ago.
You weren't even in the fuckin' room when I started."
(audience laughs)
And I was out shopping with a friend of mine
a few months ago, just having a nice shop.
It was a bit chilly out so we decided
to get some takeaway teas
just to carry around with us as we went,
and we went into this cafe.
We stood in a queue.
Quite quickly, I realised the man behind me in the queue,
I knew, not very well, but enough to say hello to,
and very quickly, he offered to buy my tea for me,
and I was immediately transported
back to my sort of 18-year-old self.
My mom had ingrained in me to never accept a drink
of somebody you don't know really well, especially a man,
because he'd probably want something in return.
So I immediately went back with a very aggressive, "No."
(audience laughs)
And then I thought, "Maybe I'm being a bit unfair.
Maybe it's a different situation.
Me, 18, in a nightclub.
Me, 41, in a cafe with me friend.
It's daylight, we're getting teas.
We're taking them away.
Maybe this is different."
But when he offered again,
"Go on, let me buy your tea for you."
All I could think of was, "What's he gonna want in return?"
And then I thought, "It's one pound 70,
probably just a flick at the end."
(audience laughs)
And he's a nice man.
He's quite sincere, and he said to me,
"For all of the joy that you bring people,
let me buy your tea for you." (audience coos)
And I said, "Just a tea?
Just a fuckin' tea? (audience laughs)
All the joy, all the fuckin' joy?"
So I've got a muffin as well.
(audience laughs)
Hi, I'm Sarah Millican,
and thanks very much for watching my video.
I'm on tour at the moment with a show called
"Bobby Dazzler".
To find out where I'm going and when,
go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks, bye.