-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, today,
President Trump visited a town in Texas
to mark the completion
of the more than 400 miles of border wall.
When they heard Trump was coming to the border,
Mexico was like, "Whew! Thank God that wall is here."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, what a time to celebrate the effectiveness of a wall --
six days after this happened.
[ Laughter ]
You know your presidency is off the rails
when you have to distract from your attempted coup
with your giant symbol of racism.
[ Laughter ]
But this was interesting -- when asked what he was doing there,
Trump said, "I'm just planning my escape.
That seems like a good route."
Meanwhile, the wall only covers 20% of the U.S.-Mexico border.
20%.
Let me ask you a question.
If you ordered a pizza and only got 1 1/2 slices,
would you have a good Yelp review of there?
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Trump visited the border in the town of Alamo, Texas.
He was like, "Thanks to me, everyone will remember Alamo."
[ Light laughter ]
In the end, Trump didn't finish building the wall,
and Mexico never paid for it,
but other than that, pretty good.
Pretty good.
[ Laughter and applause ] You guys having fun?
You guys having a good time? [ Cheers and applause ]
Great.
[ Applause ]
While Trump was at the border,
he engaged in one of his favorite traditions
and signed a section of the wall.
Watch this.
[ Light laughter ]
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Trump was like, "Okay, wall, you're now officially pardoned."
[ Laughter ]
Right now, writing on his border wall
is the only place where Trump's allowed to post.
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
So that's two crimes he's committed in the past week --
incitement of a riot and graffiti.
[ Laughter ]
Times are tough for Trump right now.
After he defaced the wall,
he was sent to live with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
[ Laughter ]
Before leaving to go visit the wall,
Trump spoke to reporters
and was asked about the riot at the Capitol.
And listen to this.
[ Engine rumbling ]
-So if you read my speech -- and many people have done it --
it's been analyzed, and people thought that
what I said was totally appropriate.
-I just got to quote Seinfeld and say,
"Who are these people?! Who are these people?!"
"They're the people of the..."
"Who are these people?!" [ Laughter ]
By the way, that wasn't a jet engine in the background --
that was 300 million Americans sighing at the same time.
[ Laughter ]
And this is big -- last night, Trump and Vice President Pence
met in person inside the Oval Office,
marking the first time they had spoken since last week's riot.
Things quickly got off to an awkward start when Trump said,
"So, I think someone owes me an apology."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, we've all been in Pence's shoes, though.
You know what I mean?
That uncomfortable meeting with your boss
after he sent a crazed mob of vengeful rioters to zip-tie you.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
But Trump tried to make nice.
He even gave Pence
a "Sorry I almost got you killed" meat and cheese platter
from Harry & David.
[ Laughter ]
I never saw that in that bill -- pamphlet I got there.
Well, speaking of the Vice President,
earlier tonight, the House voted on a resolution
urging Pence to invoke the 25th Amendment.
It's a tough choice for Pence --
invoke the 25th and have MAGA Nation hate you,
or refuse and still have MAGA Nation hate you.
You could tell Pence was nervous
'cause he spent all day slamming milks
like it was Friday at 5:00 p.m.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Mike Pence is being called on to invoke the 25th Amendment,
and Trump is not happy.
But I'm not sure Trump understands
what the 25th Amendment actually does.
To be honest, I'm not sure if he knows what most amendments do.
For example -- -Oh, here we go.
-Tariq, what's up? -Let me guess --
you're gonna make fun of Trump
for not knowing what any of the amendments mean.
-I mean, yeah, that was -- that was the plan.
-And each joke, it'll pop up, like, as a graphic,
so that everyone can see it and laugh about it.
[ Laughter ]
-Right. Right. I do -- I do comedy.
-I know exactly how this will go down.
So, the top of the screen will say the name of the amendment,
like the First Amendment,
and then under that, you'll say what Trump thinks it means,
like he thinks the First Amendment is...
[ Laughter ] Or -- Or you'll show
the Fifth Amendment,
and Trump knows that one as...
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
-And then -- then you do, like,
the Seventh Amendment or something.
And Trump -- he thinks that one is...
-Ohh! [ Laughter and applause ]
-Yeah. Yeah.
-And then you'll finish it off with the 25th Amendment,
which Trump thinks is...
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-Is -- Is -- Is that how it's going to go?
-Uh, yeah. You nailed it. [ Chuckles ]
-Seems like a fun bit. You should do it.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-Great, we'll do it tomorrow.
-Looking forward to it.
[ Laughter ]
-Well, lots of people
are distancing themselves from the President,
including New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.
Last night, he said
he won't accept the Presidential Medal of Freedom from Trump.
Yep. It was a hard decision for the coach.
I heard he bought a new hooded, sleeveless tuxedo
for the occasion.
[ Laughter ]
Here's some good news -- yesterday, Governor Cuomo vowed
that New York will legalize recreational marijuana.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Great job.
New Yorkers have spent almost a year with nothing to do
but sit at home and watch Netflix.
Now you legalize weed?
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Who are these people?!"
I think New York is ready for legal weed.
Just look at the Statue of Liberty.
Our most famous symbol is green, wearing a bathrobe,
and holding up a lighter.
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news --
during last night's episode of "The Bachelor,"
the women played a game called "Capture the Heart."
And one contestant, Victoria,
had an interesting way of describing the other team.
Listen to this.
-Whoo!
[ Laughter ]
-Gestures?
"And, Matt, he's like a K-night of the Round Table."
[ Laughter ]
Later in the episode, there was some drama
between Victoria and another contestant.
And Victoria tried to say that they don't mix well,
like oil and water,
but, instead, she said this.
-Yeah, and I think that we can --
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-Actually, that goes pretty well together.
"I mean, we're like peanut butter and...jelly?"
[ Laughter ]
You could tell her face was like,
"I don't think this is right,"
but her mouth was like, "Nope, I'm going for it, yeah."
[ Laughter ] We're laughing,
but tomorrow, she's getting the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
That amazing? [ Laughter and applause ]
Isn't that amazing?
[ Applause ]
And finally, I saw that Ben & Jerry's
has started selling its own frozen dog treats.
Trust me, once weed becomes legal in New York,
that'll be just ice cream.
What a show we have for you tonight --
she stars in the new movie "Locked Down" on HBO Max.
Anne Hathaway is here tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Plus, she's the host of
"A Little Late with Lilly Singh" on NBC --
Lilly Singh is here!
[ Cheers and applause ]
And we got great music from Jazmine Sullivan!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Be sure to tune in tomorrow night --
Riz Ahmed and Angela Bassett will be here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And we got an all-- we got an all-new
"Freestylin' with The Roots."
You guys excited to do that one?
-Uh. Yeah, yeah.
-Sure.
-Yup.
-Nasty.
[ Laughter ]
-Well, it's a fun bit. Anyway...
You guys have a good day today?
-Pretty good. Yeah.
-It was fine.
-Yeah. Same.
-Nasty.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-I had a good day -- I had a good day, too.
Did you guys have anything good for lunch or anything?
-Um, no, not really.
-The usual.
-I microwaved some salmon, so...
-Nasty.
[ Laughter ]
-Well, everyone should...
[ Laughter ]
Everyone should check out "Freestylin'" tomorrow.