- What is the best relationship advice
that I have ever received or given?
Ooh, I've got it.
Let's do this, Mended Light.
(upbeat music)
Welcome to "Ask a Therapist"
where you all sound off in the comments
and ask me questions to do videos about.
And today I got the question,
"What is the best relationship advice
that you've ever received?"
And this is gonna sound arrogant.
I don't mean for it to be arrogant,
but I received it from myself.
Like I received it from my own brain.
Actually, I know where I got it.
I got it from John Gottman.
It was like, I was learning from John Gottman
and then my brain like made another jump
based on something he said.
So that's where this came from.
The best relationship advice I've ever received
is simply this.
We think that our relationships need less conflict,
and what they really need is more love.
Let me explain to you what I mean by this.
So, where this started is I was learning from John Gottman.
I went to a seminar bridging the couple's chasm, right,
where he was talking about when there's a rift
between couples and how to build that bridge there.
And he talked about the need
for more positive interactions,
in fact, that we need to have
at least five positive interactions for every one negative.
For every eye roll, for every scoff,
for every biting comment, for every cold shoulder,
for every time we ignore one another
or tear one another down,
there needs to be at least five times
that we say, "I love you,"
"I appreciate you," "thank you,"
that we pay sincere compliments,
that we bring flowers or offer foot massages,
that we just enjoy one another's company,
that we do acts of service and kindness for one another,
when we look to lighten each other's load.
There needs to be at least five of those.
Now, it's not an exact science.
Some people say 10, some people say 20.
But what's important is the principle.
The principle is that those negative interactions
are so powerful that it takes 5, 10, 20 positive ones
to balance it out.
So, think back in your mind to a time
when you were having a perfect day with somebody,
and you felt really close to them
and you were having a wonderful time
and you felt loved and appreciated
and that you just really enjoyed being with this person.
And then they said something thoughtless
or stupid or rude.
Isn't it like the whole rest of the day never happened?
(laughs)
Like it all just got flushed down the toilet,
and now it's just this negative moment is all that matters.
We were having a great day and then you blew it
or you went and ruined it.
How common is that?
It's very common.
Why?
Because the unfortunate truth
is that negativity is more powerful than positivity
or if not powerful, it's more potent, right?
I do think positivity is a more powerful force in the world.
That's why I try to be a positive person.
But I recognize that anytime I'm feeling negative,
I need more positive interactions in my own brain, right?
I need positive, uplifting thoughts.
I need self-affirmation and reassurance.
So, it takes a good amount.
It takes a good amount of positive to counter the negative.
And so, the reason I say
this is the best relationship advice
is what I got from John Gottman,
where my brain leapfrogged,
is that our relationships,
we think they need less conflict
but they really need more love.
Now stay with me on this and I'll explain what I mean.
If I asked you who fights more,
happy couples or unhappy couples?
Most people would assume
that unhappy couples fight a lot more.
That's the reason they're unhappy, they're always fighting.
But the fact is, happy couples and unhappy couples
fight about as often as each other.
The difference is that unhappy couples fight,
and then they withdraw and they don't apologize
and they don't make amends and they don't build bridges
and mend fences, they don't listen to each other.
They don't take accountability
for what they did that was hurtful.
They just fight and they withdraw.
They don't reconnect and have positive experiences
where they enjoy each other,
where they remember why they were in love
in the first place.
They don't have loving makeup sex.
They just fight and they withdraw.
Healthy couples fight and then they apologize.
Healthy couples fight and then they learn from each other,
so that next time they don't fight as bad
or as frequently or about this subject.
Healthy couples enjoy their time together,
give each other praise and words of affirmation,
acts of service, touch, right, all the five love languages.
And the time between their fights
is filled with all of that stuff.
And that's why they're strong.
Because every relationship, not just romantic relationships,
our friend relationships, our relationships with family,
our relationships with coworkers,
all relationships if they're healthy,
require a high degree of mutual tolerance
and require more love to thrive.
And when I say love,
you know there's different types of love.
I'm not suggesting you have romantic love
for your coworkers, but you can love them
and care about them as people for example, right?
And so, we think our relationships need less negativity
and less conflict, but they really need more love.
Like with the couples who are unhappy,
they would go to therapy and they would say,
"We're fighting all the time."
And they might even say we're fighting and we withdraw.
And so they think, "Help us to fight less."
But the only way you fight less is by connecting more.
The only way you fight less
is by building those bridges and showing love.
And love is shown through forgiveness.
Love is shown through earning trust
and extending trust when it is earned.
Forgiveness and trust aren't the same thing, right?
So, if someone hasn't earned your trust
you don't need to extend it to them,
but you can forgive them
and let go of the bitterness that's inside of you.
If there's no trust,
there's no relationship long term, right?
But forgiveness is for your own healing.
So that's one.
What's the second best piece
of relationship advice I've ever heard?
The second best piece of relationship advice
I've ever heard is that I'm sorry isn't enough.
The best apology is changed behavior.
How do you show that you're trustworthy?
By doing the work.
And the work can be hard to do.
Because we often don't wanna look in the mirror,
at least not for long.
We'd rather say, "I'm sorry I was wrong,
please forgive me" and be done with it.
I love the TV show, "Modern Family" for example
but across 10 season, it drives me crazy
'cause each character makes silly,
selfish, shallow mistakes.
And then in the same episode they learn and grow,
and then they kind of reset.
And there's some truth to life about that.
I mean, we all keep making the same mistakes
and we all learn and grow
and take two steps forward and one step back.
And they do grow across the arc of the show.
I'm not suggesting otherwise.
And I do love the show.
But what I'm driving at
is in real life if you're not consistently working
at recognizing and then improving your bad habits,
then you're going to push people away
because they're gonna be done with it.
They're gonna be tired of it.
If you're not looking at how your actions,
no matter what your intentions were,
have affected somebody else and they give you feedback
and you're not doing the work to change it,
then it's not a true apology.
And it's always better to get started sooner than later,
because some behaviors can take years to change,
especially if they're behaviors you've practiced for years
or they're thinking patterns that you've had for years.
The best apology is changed behavior.
You need insight, which means not being defensive,
which means being humble and teachable,
which means recognizing yes, you have your perspective
and you may want your perspective to be heard,
but at the same time you need to be open
to what the other person is telling you,
and be willing to reconsider what's going on for you
and the choices that you're making
and what your motivations are.
And if your motivations are good,
are your actions getting you what you're going for?
Or are they creating something different?
In which case it's time to change the behaviors.
'Cause even if they come from a good place,
if they're not working, you gotta try something different.
The best apology is changed behavior,
and relationships need more love instead of less conflict.
Conflict is good folks, if love is like a garden,
conflict is like the manure.
It stinks and nobody likes it,
but it's necessary for growth.
Conflict in and of itself isn't bad.
It just means that we're being real with each other.
When the couples tell me they don't have conflict,
I always say, "Oh, so you're not telling the truth?"
And they say, "No, I'm telling you the truth,
we don't have conflict."
And I say, "No, I believe you're telling me the truth.
I just don't believe you're telling each other the truth."
'Cause conflict is inevitable.
People are different.
They have different wants, needs, desires, viewpoints,
and they're going to contrast.
And how we learn from one another,
how we grow through that makes us better people.
So, this has been "Ask a Therapist."
If you enjoyed this one,
there's another question that somebody asked me.
"How long should I date before getting married?"
You can watch that right here.
If you need help in your relationship or in your life,
we've got different levels of help to offer you.
Go to mendedlight.com.
You can learn about our membership site,
where you can do online courses that I've created
where everything that I talk to people about in therapy
I teach you in the courses.
We have Live Q & A's with Alicia and I,
we have a book of the month club where we've got a book
on relationships that we're reading
and then we do audios and live conversations with you
and we do audios and live conversations with you.
If you need something more than that, a little more robust,
then we've got a team of specialists who are here for you.
So, go to mendedlight.com and explore your options today.
Now, I turn the question to you,
what's the best relationship advice
that you've ever received?
I want to hear in the comments below.
I wanna read it
and I love it when we all learn from one another.
I love our little community,
so please let me know and let us all know
what's the best relationship advice you've ever received.
Until next time, folks,
keep shining because we need your light.
(upbeat music)