- Okay, so how to INFJs ruin their relationships?
We're going to talk about the problem that they create
in their relationships.
Not just the problem they have, but they create it.
Because the big problem that INFJs have,
I've said it before and I'll say it again,
they have a problem with being controlling.
You might think when I'm saying someone's controlling
in a relationship context
that I'm talking about someone
who's like really bossing someone else around
and telling them what to do,
but this isn't quite that.
I mean, it could extend to that,
but this is a much more internal
kind of mental, abstract sort of control.
Bear with me.
I will explain.
Because INFJs have introverted intuition
as their dominant function,
the thing that they're on autopilot in all the time.
They are trying to reduce everything
to the barest amount that they have to deal with,
in terms of perception,
because intuition is about perception in the abstract.
So they're taking all of the things
and all of the people around them
and distilling them down into patterns, into concepts,
into abstract objects that they can then deal with,
rather than the concrete reality right in front of them.
This makes INFJs feel secure
because they feel as though they are able
to exert some control over reality,
because they are dealing in the realm
of abstract forms and meaning.
And so, rather than dealing with my cousin Bobby,
I'm dealing with this version of him in my head
that's like this abstract thing.
What this does is it gives INFJs the sense
that we are mitigating the inherent unpredictability
and chaos of life,
because instead of dealing with life as it is,
which just feels too messy and chaotic,
we're dealing with it in these abstract forms.
And so, instead of dealing with a person,
and people are messy and chaotic,
we're dealing with our understanding of them.
And it's also about we've figured out their pattern.
"I've figured that person out.
"I know what they're gonna do."
And a lot of times, we might be right.
That's the problem with it,
is that we can get by on this for a while.
But it's gotta fall apart at some point
and that's when the problems gets created
in our relationships.
On the other side of that, INFJ's inferior function
is extroverted sensing,
which is just observing the concrete world
through the five senses as it is,
without a lens of subjective meaning.
It's accepting things as they are first,
not trying to view them first
as some kind of pattern, right?
Or some kind of abstract form.
But first, what is it concretely?
And in doing so, it's accepting the chaos of life,
because that's just what it is,
things coming at you in the present moment.
So because that's inferior for an INFJ,
we don't wanna deal with it.
It's painful for us, so we try to get around it.
We try to not have to deal
with that way of looking at the world
by overemphasizing the intuition,
by just overdoing the abstract stuff,
overdoing the conceptualization
of the people and things around us.
Now, when it comes to relationships, we do the same thing,
whether it's a romantic relationship or a family member
or even like an acquaintance, a coworker.
We turn these people around us into things, in a way.
We turn them into objects in our mind
because that's the way that we can get a handle on them,
that's how we control them.
You see, the control, like I said earlier,
isn't this more obvious, open form of control
where I'm telling you what to do.
It's more like I need to find a way
to feel like I know what you're gonna do,
I've got control over who you are, over what you are.
And we prefer that, we prefer this conceptualization
to the person as they are actually, in reality.
Now, before we continue with this somewhat dense lecture,
let's see if YouTube would like to show a commercial.
So what we're doing is we're taking the people in our lives
and the relationships themselves
and we're trying to weave them into patterns
so that we may lessen the unpredictability and chaos
that is inevitably going to happen with them.
The problem is, people are walking chaos.
Human beings are just totally unpredictable.
What are they gonna do?
You never know.
You don't know what's going on in their head.
I mean, to a degree, people, yeah, they're predictable.
But they can throw you curve balls,
they can do whatever they want and, when they do,
even if it's something just slightly unexpected,
it can blow up the concept that you've built for them
and suddenly it's like, "whoa, I've lost control!."
You start to feel afraid, almost, and anxious
because you realized that they're tearing apart
this concept that you had built for them.
They're not following the pattern
that you thought they would follow anymore,
because humans change all the time.
They never really, fully stay the same.
And so, a lot of our conflicts in our relationships,
we can create because of this,
because we will overreact.
On the low of our reactions,
maybe we'll just get a little bit irritated
that someone is doing something, acting in a certain way,
that didn't quite fit with our concept of them.
We just get a little irritated.
But it could get, as I said, you get really afraid,
you get really anxious, you get really angry,
and it's an overreaction.
It doesn't necessarily fit the action that they're taking.
Maybe it's just like they want to taking a cooking class
and you're like, "what?
"You've never expressed an interest in cooking before.
"What are you thinking about?
"I didn't anticipate this at all.
"I'm drowning in the chaos right now."
That's a stupid example and it's kind of silly,
but those are actually sort of the kind of things
where you'll feel threatened
because someone is doing something
that you didn't think they were gonna do,
even though it doesn't really threaten you at all.
But, because we're so out of whack
with the intuition and the sensing,
we have that anxiety surrounding those sorts of things,
with the perceptions like, "am I seeing reality correctly?
"Was this person like this all the time
"and I somehow missed it?
"Crap, what have I gotta do?
"I'd better do some more abstract stuff
"to figure this person out."
Which then maybe covers up the problem for a while,
but then it inevitably comes back around.
Now, yes, of course there are times when people betray you,
people lie to you, people really do stuff
that blows apart your concept of them,
but I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about the much lesser things,
where people are just living their lives
and being human beings
and they're just not staying the same
and they're just not following the pattern
that you thought they were going to follow.
A big thing is that this causes strife
because you think they're the ones doing it.
You're like, "you're betraying my trust
"You're eroding my trust in you!
"I don't even know who you are anymore!"
And they're like, "I'm just living my life
"and you're being a control freak about who I am."
And that's not really love, you know?
That's not unconditional love.
Now, I mentioned this is like in all relationships.
So, you know, you don't need
to unconditionally love your coworker.
Although, shouldn't we all aspire to that?
But when we're talking about
the closest people to you in your life,
if you're gonna love them unconditionally,
that means just letting go and letting them be who they are
and not trying to control them
or worry about what they're gonna do
or how the chaos is gonna affect you.
You have to just let go and let them exist as they are,
just as you exist. (laughs)
You know, because you change too,
it's just you're privy
to every single micro-step of the way,
so it doesn't really seem like a change to you
when you change.
But when someone else does,
you've missed a lot of steps in between
so it's much more jarring.
And for an INFJ, it's especially jarring
because we're very stuck in this limited view
of who someone is.
It might be a very detailed, complex view of who someone is,
but it's still very narrow
and doesn't like to be changed at all.
The first thing to do, really,
is just realize what I mentioned earlier,
that this is an over exaggerated fear
due to your personality type.
When you're trying to let go of someone
and you're especially worried
that it's gonna blow up in your face,
that's the weird INFJ fear talking.
That's not reality.
And it's not gonna feel good, either.
You might be watching this video
and have an enlightenment moment
where you're like, "ah, yes, this is all true."
But then when you actually go try to do it
and say, "I'm gonna just let this person be who they are,
"even if I don't quite like it."
Suddenly, you're gonna be like, "oh crap, no.
"I don't like that.
"Stop, please!
"This is terrible.
"Why did I follow that YouTube guy's advice?"
But the thing is, this way of living,
if you don't get a handle on this,
this way of living creates walls around you
because it's like I wanna keep these people far enough away
that I can keep my eye on them,
and so also, if they get too close to me,
they might really explode into chaos
and I'd prefer them not to.
So that's why INFJs can also create
this cold shell around them
where it's like is anyone gonna get in?
I don't know.
They got sort of close, but yeah.
It's a weird personality type.
When people say INFJs are fantastic, they're great people,
then they're ignoring these major problems that they have.
So yeah, stop trying to pin people down.
Let them exist as they are.
Love them for who they are in the moment.
That's all I've gotta say, for now.
Check out some other videos over here
and subscribe if you feel like it. (laughs)
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Do I need to remind you of anything else?
Probably not.
Until next time, stay cool and attractive.