Breaking up with someone is never enjoyable.
Divorcing someone...never enjoyable.
But what can you expect from a narcissist after a breakup?
After a divorce?
That's what we're talking about today at queenbeeing.com.
Let's get started!
My name is Angie Atkinson and on this channel, I offer free daily video coaching to help
you discover, understand, and overcome narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
I like to call it toxic relationship rehab.
Does that sound good to you?If so, hit that subscribe button and let's get going.
When you go through a breakup or a divorce of any type with any person, it's devastating.
There are lots of different reasons it can happen, but when we're talking about a narcissist,
it's a whole other thing.
Standard breakup advice, standard divorce tips - they don't work with narcissists, because
narcissists are not standard people.
So obviously when a normal relationship ends, the parties go their separate ways.
They may have a little fight here and there, but they figure out how to move on and various
types of advice can help them.
Counselors, therapists, these things...they can get through it.
It's not easy for anybody.
But when we're talking about dealing with a narcissist, it's a whole other ball of wax.
Because with a narcissist, a lot of times you think everything's fine, and then boom!
It's over.
With a narcissist, sometimes, you won't even know that you broke up until after the fact.
And then of course there are those narcissists who spend their entire relationships telling
you they are going to leave you even if it takes them 30 years to do it.
Right?
In a relationship with a narcissist, everything is always about the narcissist.
Isn't it?
It's confusing.
It's exhausting.
And when you finally get it together and you get the heck out of there, or unfortunately
they leave you, either way - you start feeling like oh my gosh I'm finally going to be able
to take the steps Ineed to really get my life in order and make it what Iwant it to be right?But
no narcissists don't allow that to happen.
Not very easily anyway.
So look I realize that this is kind of an exciting or upsetting time, depending on whether
you left or they left you.
But it's also a dangerous time because while you can certainly begin your life over again
and really get things to become what you want them to be, it's also really important to
be aware and to prepare for the things that might be coming down the road when you break
up with or divorce a narcissist.
Like I said, all breakups are hard, all divorces suck, but this kind, I really think is the
hardest, because in addition to the normal ups and downs of divorce or breakups, you're
dealing with an emotional manipulator.
You're dealing with someone who absolutely has no qualms about breaking your heart, stomping
on your feelings - again and again and again - and shocking you almost every time.
But here's the good news my friend.
If you take the time to understand how all that works, understand the patterns, understand
the behaviors, and know what to expect - you might get through it a little easier.
And that's what this video is about today.
So let's just dig right in shall we?
One of the things that narcissists do after breakups...#1, they hoover.
Yea that's right.
Narcissists love to suck you back in.
And you're thinking, well they don't even want me!
They made it real clear to me...or they're already doing this or that or the other...Doesn't
matter.
They're going to suck you back in - even if they've moved on, they've gotten remarried
or they're dating a new person, they will still hoover you for years if you allow them
to.
So they're going to do whatever they can to pull you back into their drama.
And if you have been previously romantically involved with them, back into their bed.
Oh yeah, it happens.
#2.
You're going to have to worry about obsessing.
Now this is going to happen on your end of course you're going to obsess about what could
I have done better?
What can I change?What could I do better next time?
How do I watch for the red flags? and dah dah dah dah dah..you're going to go through
that.
But the narcissist is going to obsess about you.
What?
Yeah, that's what's going to happen - usually right before the hoover phase, or right before
the smear campaign.
See?
So what's going to happen, and that's #3 actually - the smear campaign, we'll get to that.
What's going to happen is the narcissist is going to tell a lot of stories to try to get
your - to try to get sympathy and attention and often in order to bring in a new supply.
Whether it's another romantic partner or a parent or a friend or its someone else.
They're going to need someone else to get their supply from now that they've left you
or you've left them.
That's why #3, they run the smear campaign.
So my advice here is don't sit around and focus too long on analyzing the narcissist's
behavior, don't focus too long on letting the narcissist be connected to you after the
break up.
Because the more access you give them, the less likely they are to go away and move on.
So #3, smear campaigns.
This is where they walk around and they tell everybody they know what a horrible person
you are and how you hurt them and often they project their own bad behaviors on to you
so if they were cheating, they tell everybody you were cheating.
If they were beating the crap out of you every day, they tell everybody you were beating
the crap out of them everyday.
And this goes on and on.
People start to believe the narcissist, and pretty soon, you know who your real friends
are because your real friends would never believe those things about you, but strangers
and people who are acquaintences and sometimes people you thought were your friends will
believe the narcissist and take the narcissist's side - and that my friend, is rough stuff.
But it happens and I guess on the positive side at least you know who your real friends
are.
#4 kind of goes along with the smear campaign, and it's that narcissists don't go quietly,
right?
So they're going to smear campaign you and then they're going to tell everybody who will
listen and they're going to game play you - okay - they're going to do everything they
can to really impact your life in a negative way most of the time.
They will abuse you to the point where your psychological wounds become increasingly serious.
It's common and sometimes it's worse - sometimes they go so far as to physically abuse you,
where they didn't before.
So be aware of this and keep yourself safe.
Don't be afraid to call the police, if they show up at your house in the middle of the
night or something.
This brings me to number 5, narcissists are all about winning.
Okay?They don't care if your kids are negatively affected.
They don't care if they lose everything in the process.
They just want to win the relationship.
They need to be validated.
They need to be proven right.
They will fight you for custody even if they don't want the kids.
They will try to keep the house, even if they know they don't want the house, they're just
gonna move out of it.
Or they're going to sell it.
The truth of what really happened between the two of you will only come out of your
mouth, if it comes out of anyone's.
Because the narcissist cannot ever even admit the truth to him or herself.
You have to remember narcissists they have no empathy, so they don't care how they're
making you feel.
And above all, they just want to win.
And as always, they don't give a crap about the consequences for their own behavior because
they don't accept responsiblity.
Narcissists are going to do their very best to make you play the game with them.
This brings me to number 6.
Narcissists want to keep playing the game and they're going to do everything they can
to suck you into it.
SO it does matter how the breakup happened.
It doesn't matter where the divorce came from.
It doesn't matter if they literally left you for another person.
Or if you literally walked in on them having sex with your best friend on your bed in your
house.
It doesn't matter because they will be like, "I'm the victim."
They will walk around telling everyone, like I said, in #2, smear cam- or #3, smear campaigning,
that's how they roll.
They will say things to you like "why are you doing this to me?"
and inevitably, you will be the one wearing the big red blame sticker.
Of course anytime you try to address any issues you think to yourself, okay well maybe we
can work it out, maybe they understand now.
You know you tr- you try to address those issues, and the narcissist inevitably will
flip it all back around - do the narcissistic flip on you and within moments, or seconds,
of that conversation, as soon as they begin to feel uncomfortable - they start pointing
out things that are wrong with you.
You become the problem.
And then they have you - they say things to you like "well, I'll do that, if you promise
that you will never ever again you know, leave trash in the kitchen," or whatever.
They start picking at tiny things and pulling you apart and looking for ways to make it
about them being the victim and not you.
And their flying monkeys sometimes especially those "willing"flying monkeys will come in
with them on this and play this game.
This is seen a lot of times witha narcissistic mother when a narcissistic mother has a golden
child and the golden child gets married, and is a narcissist - this type of dynamic is
often seen with the two of them ganging up on the victim or the supply during the divorce.
So anybody have any experience with that?Lemme know in the comments below.
I'm thinking of one particular person right now who's one of our SP- well was one of our
SPAN members, I think she's still around the channel.
here and I talk to her often, off and on, and she was telling me basically she is in
hell - and her mother in law is essentially allowing the narcissist - the mother in law
is enabling the narcissist and actively helping to abuse this woman.
And her daughter.
It's messed up.
But it happens.
So if you have experience with that, let us know in the comments below and let us know
how you dealt with it.
But listen, no matter what happens don't let yourself get wrapped up in that crap again
because once they get you back in, they will hold on so tight that you won't even know
what to do with yourself.
If you get out of a narcissistic relationship, stay out if at all possible.
#7 narcissists do their very to make the divorce process or the breakup process as loooong
and painful as possible.
So what you have to understand is that if you're going through the divorce or you're
going through a breakup, and there are any legal issues to iron out whether it has to
do with the shared home, shared children, anything like that - finances - they're going
to make it hard.
They're going to make it stressful - they're going to make it last as long as possible.
They will probably refuse to settle, they will almost definitely refuse to negotiate
on a reasonable level - especially when you're going through the divorce part of things or
when they're children and property involved in a breakup.
You gotta keep in mind narcissists only care about winning.They don't care about who they
hurt in the process.
They don't see room for negotiation.
And the truth is that even if you're not married and you don't have property or children together
- they're still gonna play games with you throughout the whole process.
Can you relate to that?
Let me know in the comments.
Bottom line is - it can take years to heal after a relationship with a narcissist.
Narcissists are incredibly lacking in empathy.
They have no empathy.
A couple things you can do - have a good support system in place.
Subscribe to this channel - these videos are free and I do a free daily video coaching
session - group coaching session every morning monday through friday - and twice on tuesday.
Subscribe and come join us.
Join SPAN, you can go to queenbeeing.com/span to join SPAN - it's free, it's confidential.
Full of an amazing group of survivors and very well maintained - we have an amazing
team of 16 admins who are on top of that stuff!
SO there's not a bunch of spam and there's not a bunch of crap in the group - and everybody
is supportive and loving - it's a great little SPANily as we like to call it.
ALso you can subscribe to queenbeeing.com for free - articles and resources on narcissism
and narcissistic abuse recovery.
And then finally you know connect with people in your real life - have a good support system
in place.
If you don't have one in real life, pop on over to SPAN and join.
Pop on over to my morning chats and join.
You will find one and the strength that you gain there will help you to move forward in
your real life.
And the support!
It is amazing support my friend.
Whatever you do, do not engage with the narcissist about anything you don't have to engage with
the narcissist about after the breakup.
SO that means engage with them about legal issues, shared property and children.
That's about it.
Only engage with them on a very professional level.
Do not allow them to get under your skin emotionally - keep it gray rock - where you don't show
them any emotion and you don't allow them to see anything but a straight face from you.
No super happy - no sad - no angry.
Because any time you give them even this much of your emotion they're going to take it and
they're gonna twist it and they're gonna use it to hurt you.
They enjoy it.
They're like vampires, sucking all of the happy energy away from you.
And turning it into negative mud they wanna spew all over the place.
Life is just too short to allow this to be the rest of your life my friend.
None of us are getting any younger.
You deserve better and that narcissist does not deserve you.
You are not the crazy one here, despite what that narcissist wants you to think.
So just be careful.
Make sound judgments regarding the narcissist.
Don't jump too fast into any decision - if they ask you for a you know for for a ruling
or a decision on something, say "I'll get back to you on that," and take some time to
think about it when they're not pressuring you.
Don't sign anything without talking to an attorney or a trusted knowledgable person
first, and just keep your head on straight.
You will get through this, it will get better, I promise you.
It gets a little bit better, every single day.
Stay strong my friend.
I feel your pain.
Alright - that's all I've got for you right now.
Thanks so much for being a part of my day and a part of my life and hey - thanks for
letting me be a part of yours.
It really does mean a lot to me.
I'll see you soon!