I've I've been flying a lot.
Thanks for asking.
And it's weird how they
board the plane now because they
board people with children and
disabilities first
and then they board first class.
But there's no transition.
So it just kind of sounds like this.
Does anybody have no legs or four
kids, no legs
or four kids, no legs or four kids?
Last call for anybody with no legs
or four kids.
No.
OK. Does anybody own a boat?
I support the troops, but I'm just a
man, you know, I'm not a troop.
I'm not a hero.
And I'm a little tired of being
bumped back on the flights
because it's a little emasculating.
You know, I'm about to board.
Are there any active service members
who would like to board first active
service members?
I run up to the podium.
I'm like, have you boarded the
coward yet?
Because that's apparently what I am
in the eyes of in the eyes of Delta
Airlines.
When do we get to board the dickless
gutless cowards?
Are you going to put me in the queef
section of the plane?
Where did the pussy farts sit,
how are you guys doing otherwise
dating? You guys look good.
All right, guys, are you guys happy?
It's very hard.
That's one thing I will say about
the millennials. I'm pretty old off
from generation X.
Maybe a heard of us on the streets.
Genex, we're still poppin.
We're still poppin on the streets.
But I will defend you guys, you have
it harder, you have it harder dating
wise, because you just you just
throw each other away.
There's no compromise.
You need compromise, not you guys or
somebody better on my phone.
I'm gonna throw this person away.
I went on a first date.
First thing the woman said to me,
I'm a vegan.
Is that the first thing we should be
saying to each other?
How about your name?
I'm a vegan.
That puts me on the back foot.
I'm a boxing guy.
That puts me on the back foot.
So I go, look, I, I say just like
this. I am on the keto diet.
All I eat is meat.
Then there's a chance to what?
Compromise. We did not go down that
road because
then she goes, she goes, I won't
even eat food that has touched
meat.
And then I go, I only
eat emotional support animals.
I keep playing this game.
We keep playing this fucking game.
Why am I not married guys?
So what you guys want to know,
because I'm terrified of divorce.
I'm insecure.
I'm terrified.
I feel like because no
one just gets divorced.
Someone has to file
for divorce.
And I would be constantly paranoid
that my wife was filing for divorce
even if she was just in another room
of the house.
I'd be like, hey, hey, what
are you doing in there?
What the fuck are you doing in
there?
Are you filing for divorce?
WOMAN Are you fine?
Oh, you're cutting out coupons.
Okay. All right.
I thought I heard papers rustling
around in there. I thought you were
filing for something, perhaps
divorce.
I'd rather file for marriage.
That's better for a guy like me.
You know, I'm insecure.
Bad with women filed for.
I'd see a woman. Excuse me, miss.
I think you're beautiful.
I like to file for marriage.
I'd like to go ahead and file for
marriage with you.
And then she'd give you, like, I am
not at all interested in that.
And I could be like, Lagarde started
the paperwork.
I've already started the paperwork,
filing, filing for marriage.
You know,
my real passion standup comedy
is going around to because I live in
New York City. Going around the
different cities around the country
and telling people in these
different cities that they have
terrible pizza.
I enjoy that.
It's a passion, you know.
And I can work it into any
conversation.
I was coming down in the elevator in
Baltimore's woman goes, Oh, you live
in New York City.
How did you enjoy our aquarium.
I'm like lady
I don't anything about your
aquarium, but
your pizza is shit.
She goes, what's wrong with it?
And that gives you a pathway to
insult their entire town.
And like, first of all, Miss, in
order to have good pizza, you need
good water.
You guys don't have it.
Maybe you're using all of your good
water in your aquarium,
but you're not using it in your
pizza because it sucks.
Your toppings are bad to have any
Italians in this town who could make
a pizza.
Anybody who could read a recipe.
You have anybody who could read in
this town?
Do you guys have schools?
It's a new thing sweeping the
country called schools.
Then I compare the town negatively
to another town close by.
Look, I was just in Cleveland.
That's not great pizza.
But it's not this dog shit.
It's a lot of fun, guys.
You guys are gradually getting my
jokes.
He's still he's still way more
judgmental than I would like.
We're gradually getting married.
Fine.
What's my immigration policy?
Is that what you guys want to know?
90 day fiancee.
I said, if you want to come to this
country, that's fine.
But you have to marry one of our
worst people.
Have you seen that show?
They'll be begging to go back to
Honduras.
Okay. I'd rather live
in Honduras with MS 13
trying to kill me and Mary Darsey
from Connecticut.
Now, I won't back off.
No, I won't back off.
The problem as I see it,
we're all good people.
I think I love the control of the
people in the country.
I love the people.
The problem is we're all looking at
the same thing from different
perspectives.
OK. That's the main problem.
I'm a big boxing fan, so I'm
watching boxing.
Example, I'm watching boxing.
There's a female boxer.
First of all, she's a boxer.
Her brother is the promoter.
So they ask her, how did you start
boxing? And it's a tragic story.
She goes, I watch my father hit my
mother when I was young.
I was too weak to do anything about
it. So I learned to box.
It never happened again.
Like, that's powerful, you know.
But then I thought, the brother.
The promoter grew up in the same
house.
He must've saw the same thing
and thought to himself, I
can sell tickets to this.
Stop this.
I've got to go.
You guys are fantastic.
Thank you.