Hey, Joel.
Joel!
Come here.
-Hey! -Matt: Hey.
-Joel: What's up? -Matt: I gotta show you this thing.
Yeah, okay, see, whatever it is you're working on
I don't wanna know how it ends, okay?
No, right now I need your help with something.
Can I trust you?
You--can you--my help with what?
It's not gay stuff.
What... you... what?
Okay,
I think I've finally figured it out.
How all of this comes together.
And I know what we need to do to stop it.
Matt: And I wanna know if you're on my side... Joel: Ohhh...
-Matt:..before I start divulging too much information. -Joel: Riiiiiiigght.
Joel: This is one of your conspiracy theories, right?
-Matt: No, Joel, it's not a theory if it's true. -Joel: That's great.
Black helicopters, right, Matt?
Black helicopters: Google it.
Did you even Bing it?
Nostradamus end of the world stuff, Matt, right?
-Joel: Yeah. -Matt: Well, the world IS gonna end in 2012
That's been proven.
Why do you think you can't buy a 2013 calendar anywhere?
Do you ever think about that?
Because... no one needs one?
That's what they want you to think.
They, okay--they, who's they, Matt?
The people who are keeping Hitler's brain alive in a jar somewhere,
or the fake moon landing people?
Matt (scoffs): Joel, they didn't fake the moon landing!
Hey, that's good, Matt. Finally, one crackpot theory you don't believe in.
The Prozac is working. How're the side effects?
Can you pee okay?
No, what they faked was Neil Armstrong.
What?
He was obviously a cyborg.
A cyborg.
They were developing him in an underground bunker since the '50's, Joel.
Lee Harvey Oswald found out about it.
That's why JFK had to shoot him.
Okay, right, see, you actually have that backwards.
See, because Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK,
you see and the conspiracy is that he didn't, not the other way around.
So, you're getting confused.
It's the Prozac.
You're a skeptic. I can appreciate that, I'm the same way.
I don't believe in the swine flu, either.
Not what I was saying...
But you have to admit,
There's been a lot of weird stuff going on around this office in, like, the last six months.
Seems more like an unfortunate, random series of events.
That's What They Want You To Think.
Come on man, use your head.
What if they're not just random events?
What if it's all...
an elaborate conspiracy?
Don't do that again.
Do you ever feel like...
you were being watched?
[CREEPY MUSIC]
Like someone right now was lookin' in on ya.
Or maybe someone was even listening to your thoughts?
While you're thinking them?
Yeah, I guess.
I guess... sometimes I kinda do?
It's sorta hard to describe, you know?
But I just assume like, maybe, I'd left my fly open?
-Matt: You probably did. -Joel: Or maybe I forgot to pay my taxes or something?
Okay.
Listen to this for a second.
The truck that hit me
was a Ford.
And where are Fords made?
Detroit.
Which is known for...
Probably cars.
...Rampant Crime. But also rats.
It has the highest urban rat population of any city in the United States.
How do they control those rats?
with strychnine.
The same poison that was put into
our coffee.
The coffee beans from which, I might add,
were grown in...
...Nigeria,
home of email scams and also
computer viruses.
Are you following along yet, Joel?
Yeah?
Okay, good, because this next part gets a little tricky.
That computer virus took a long time to get from Nigeria
to your hard drive.
It also took us a long time
to get from here to San Diego,
Where you had that weird incident with a chicken.
Which we don't need to get into...
We do, actually,
because as everyone knows,
San Diego's most famous resident is...
...the San Diego Chicken.
Now most people think he's just a guy in a suit
but, it's actually an elaborate puppet.
and as we all know,
puppets can wield deadly knives.
Now, a knife is strong, light, and durable.
Could only have been forged in a handful of places.
Chief on the list:
Serbia.
The home of...
Nikola Tesla.
The world's greatest inventor.
Not only did he come up with the MP3 player
and the electric car,
I believe,
and there's credible evidence to back me up on this,
that before he died,
Tesla developed a complete,
automatic,
fully functioning,
prototype for...
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
...a time machine!
A time machine.
Joel, I think someone has come back in time
to change the course of events.
Events that directly affect us.
Now, we have to stop him.
Stop him, and correct the timeline
before it opens a paradox
that creates a tear
in the very fabric of reality!
Right, right. But do--d'you think this is actually
really a time machine, or...
a big wooden box?
Because I mean,
when you say "time machine," I mean, I'm really
thinking, like, flux capacitors, yanno, something.
Joel!
That's just what they want you to think!
No poking in the..
That's fine... okay.
I say we open it.
Why not?
Right?
Okay.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Burnie.
Geoff.
That's right.
I should've known you two were behind this, it all makes sense.
-Joel: Of course, they're both from Nigeria, it's tota-- -Matt: No.
Detroit.
No, Joel, that--I'll explain later.
Burnie: Gentlemen, I hate to spoil your fun
but what's inside that box is gonna make me a very wealthy black man
and I can't have you two ruining that for me!
MATT: You've gone mad, Burnie.
What good is wealth gonna do you when the entire universe has been destroyed?
Yeah, unless that was part of his PLAN.
Honestly, Joel. How could that ever be his plan?
Shut up! You're playing with fire, gentlemen.
You are NOT prepared for what is inside that box.
-Oh, yeah? -It's just what they want you to think.
Joel, you just can't drop the conspiracy lines at any random time, man.
You gotta wait for the appropriate time and place! Otherwise you just sound paranoid.
Okay, just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get us.
-Okay, I gotta give you that one. -Yeah, right?
-That was a good point. -JOEL: You know, let's, um--
I apologize.
-I just get-- I get stressed in these kind of time machines. -I understand.
-What are they talking about? -I don't know.
You wanna, uh, open the box?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to argue.
Okay, you just grab--
BURNIE: No!
-There's nothing in there. -What?!
-That can mean only one thing-- -We sent shit into the future.
It worked.
Yeah. It worked...
...only too well.
Shannon!
You're back.
Yes, I'm back.
With a warning.
Lizard people.
What? No.
Okay. Is it about the eye in the pyramid on the back of the one dollar bill?
If it is, just wink three times.
Dude, would you just let him talk? He came all the way from the future.
Sorry, I just get really excited.
Please continue.
Is it peak oil?
Peak oil, right?
The future world is in crisis.
Our species is dying out.
The gene pool has gotten so mixed up and homogenized
that everybody looks like a clone of Tiger Woods.
-I knew it! -I knew it. I knew it, too. I was going to say it before he said it.
BURNIE: I knew that he knew it.
BURNIE: He read it on my blog. -No, that's not true. I don't know how to read.
Consequently, the fertility rates have fallen to almost zero.
There's simply not enough unique DNA to keep the human race alive.
That's why I've been sent back to bring fresh DNA from this time.
Ew. You mean, like, a bunch of empty dicksie cups or something?
What? No. Gross.
What is wrong with you?
Uh, that's actually a much larger discussion.
Look, what I need you to do is get into the time machine.
We can send you to the future, to save the planet.
By having sex with future women?
Yes.
That, somewhat, look like Tiger Woods.
Yes.
[THEY ALL AGREE]
Where is Geoff?
GEOFF: I'm already in the box!
Oh, okay.
That makes things easy.
Uh, I'll take this corner.
-JOEL: I don't wanna sit next to Burnie. -Can you--
BURNIE: I'm usually at the top.
Easy enough.
MATT: Do we need our shoes?
Hey, Shannon, this is not going to cost, like, some weird paradox in space time, is it?
Like, unravel a fabric of reality?
No, no, no, no. That's just what they want you to believe.
GEOFF: That's a relief.
Okay. Well, you just go to sleep.
Just like being on a plane.
You fall asleep here,
then when you wake up...
it's Seattle.
Except, it's not really Seattle.
It's not the future.
It's Antarctica, you fucking retards!
Hey, Shannon, FedEx are here.
They say they have to pick up a special long distance heavy shipment from you.
Oh, uh... yeah, it's, uh, right here.
It's, um... equipment that I'm shipping to the polar ice caps.
For, uh... research purposes.
Okay. Well, I'll tell them it's here.
You know, they say the polar ice caps are melting pretty fast.
What, with global warming and everything.
Yeah. That's just what they want you to think.
Trust me.
It's a cold fucking world.