Hi, my name is Mila Kunis and I feel irrelevant
about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
What?
Irrelevant.
Yes, 'cause you have so many friends.
No, I don't actually.
You have so many friends.
I don't.
Do you really think I do?
'Cause I don't. Yeah.
I have a lot of acquaintances.
Everyone claims to be your friend.
Conan, the amount of times I've heard, oh Conan's my friend.
(Conan laughing)
Do they say that, mah friend?
(Mila laughing)
He's mah friend, Conan's mah good friend.
He's mah friend.
Are you down south a lot?
I think you said, what did you, what was last time?
Indifferent.
Yeah.
So we've gone from indifferent
to irrelevant. To irrelevant.
Well, sometimes it takes you a while to text me back.
Oh.
You know what I'm saying?
That's true.
So I feel like there's something we can work on.
We can build off of this.
We had a text thing going recently
'cause I saw BJ Novak's movie,
"Vengeance." Yeah,
which is fantastic.
And I texted you to just tell Ashton that I thought
he killed it in that movie.
He was so good.
Yeah.
And then we start going back and forth and you know.
It was just. And then you just left me.
I just, I ghosted.
You ghosted me, yeah.
(Mila giggling)
You ghosted me. I totally ghosted you,
but then I went around yelling at people.
I just ghosted Mila Kunis.
(Sona laughing)
Isn't that cool?
Doesn't that make me a cool person?
No one thought that it was cool.
No?
Oh, okay.
I'll pay you a compliment.
You are one of the nicest and most real people
I've met that's in this business.
You may actually have the top slot.
Really?
Yes.
Seriously, since the day I met Mila years ago
when you came and did the show, and then I think we chatted
afterwards about, you know, where you thought
you could get like, the cheapest T-shirts.
Oh yeah, I remember.
(Mila laughing)
And I swear to God, there's a saying in show business
that, well that person went through the machine.
Yeah.
Yeah. You've heard
that saying where like, people get started and I saw it
so many times on my show and I won't name names,
but I saw people come up when they were really young
and they were a guest on the show and they had just hit
and they were so full of life, and then the next time
I saw them like a year later.
Yeah.
They were cautious.
They kinda looked different.
Yeah.
They, publicists had been working on them,
and it's called going through the machine
and it's, can sometimes be sort of a sad experience,
and I swear to God you have never changed,
and even today I'm outside when you pull up
here at the podcast studio and you've got your food
and you're like, is it okay if I eat my food,
and then you start chatting about your vacation.
Yeah.
And you're talking to everybody in the office,
and that is rare.
Oh.
It is.
That's sad, but I think I got really lucky.
I really do. Why?
I never was screwed up.
I did dumb things like, don't get me wrong,
but I think that I came up at a time before social media
and so when I was turning, call it like 19, 20
was the beginning of Perez Hilton, and I coin a lot
of this going through the machine of like, being cautious
and now everybody has to worry about what they say,
how they say, what they look,
'cause everything is so documented.
I didn't have that.
Right.
And so I was still able to be lazy for the lack of like,
I didn't have to try to be anything other than myself
'cause it wasn't being documented anywhere,
and I really, I feel really bad for anyone
who's coming up now who's like 16, 15 even whatever
to like 25 because it's such a growing period in your life,
and to have that be blasted and now with this idea
that we are holding people responsible
for what they said 10 years ago.
Yeah, yeah.
None of that.
I mean, you know, you can't do, so anyways,
it's, I got very lucky and I have awesome parents.
I don't think I ever had a crazy period, but yeah.
If I was a known person
when I was 15. 15.
There would've been a lot of, you know,
Conan buying acne cream.
(Sona, Matt laughing)
Yeah, but also like, don't you think at 15?
Stealing acne cream.
Conan, you would never steal.
I wouldn't, I wouldn't.
I know.
But my assistant would.
That's why you have one.
Yeah, I steal.
But don't you think that,
this is a whole other podcast to unravel.
I just need to clarify, I don't steal anymore.
(Mila laughing)
I'm done stealing. You don't steal?
No.
Now you're a mother. Did you use to steal?
I did, I used to have like a shoplifting thrill.
Like what?
Like, little bracelets from Express
or a headband from Urban Outfitters.
Just to be like, I did it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just for the thrill.
Yeah, we've actually wanted to do a remote
where I make her go back to all the stores
that she stole from, (Matt laughing)
and confess and return the merchandise which I think
would be, that thing would go viral.
Yeah.
If we put that out there, but you have twin boys now.
Yeah.
Who are a year old.
Yeah.
And there's always the worry that they will grow up
knowing their mother is the criminal she is, so.
Well, you bring it up all the time,
so they're gonna know regardless.
She brought her kids to the studio the other day,
Mikey and Charlie, and beautiful one year old boys,
and I just am playing with them and shouting,
your mother stole.
(Matt, Mila laughing)
So awful.
I oddly believe it.
It's true, oh yeah.
Oh, it did happen.
Yeah, that makes sense.
I'm a terrible person.
Very on-brand, Conan.
I do think even if you had grown up in this age,
you'd have figured it out because I, you just have
that quality of you're always yourself.
Yeah.
That is, that's a gift and I think in this town,
that's such an asset to just know who you are.
You know who you are.
Yeah.
And you know what's important to you.
Yeah.
So yes, you did a lot of crazy things when you were 15.
I mean, crazy.
I was still, in comparison to other children,
I was a very good kid.
Like, I worked so I had responsibility.
So you can only be so crazy or I wouldn't have a job,
and I loved what I did.
It says here you flew cocaine into Miami.
(Sona, Matt laughing)
That was different.
That was just me finding myself.
(all laughing)
I know it's a job.
You got paid hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Yeah, that was experimental.
Can you imagine if I ever did coke, what would I,
I've never done hardcore drugs.
It's just. No, me neither.
No, me neither.
Everybody thought I did when I was a teenager.
They really, every time I went out to a club
and I used to go to like clubs, I didn't drink.
I mean, I would've like, if someone snuck me
like a vodka soda, I'd have a couple sips,
but I was responsible 'cause I knew I had to drive home,
but everybody would go to the bathroom
and they'd be like you, you got some?
And I was like, oh, do you need like a tampon?
Like what? (Sona, Conan laughing)
And they were like, you know, blah blah blah.
I was like, I'm so sorry.
I kept apologizing, I'm so sorry,
I don't do that, my whole life,
and no one, yeah.
I think I've mentioned this before but in college,
I didn't do anything, and I walked into a room once
and it was a scene out of like "Pretty in Pink"
where the bad guys are all wearing white tuxedos,
white tuxedo jackets, but I walked into a room and it's like
three guys in white tuxedo jackets with their ties undone,
and they were cutting up lines and they were like,
hey man, you want some coke?
And I said, hmm, my father is a doctor.
(Mila, Sona, Matt laughing)
He says it interrupts the heart rhythm.
Oh my God.
I remember, like they looked at me and I went,
interferes with the neural signals.
You know what a nerd I am and I want to pound you.
I know, trust me.
Trust me.
I gave them a lecture on interrupting the heart rhythm.