Now, I love Elvis. Okay? He fascinates me.
He's, like, the first rock star with the power of television.
They just intersected, and he ascended to this level of fame
that no one had ever been to before.
Hence, he made all the mistakes
'cause there was no one there to help him out.
Right? He got a piece-of-shit manager that stole from him.
Bam!
He stopped making music, started making shitty movies.
He's not a good actor, right? Does that.
Married a minor, started doing drugs,
got fat, got an entourage, got even fatter,
started wearing onesies, doing karate kicks,
splitting his fucking pants. Nobody's saying shit.
"You look good, King!"
"You like that? You like when my royal balls hang out?"
"We love it, King. Keep fucking going!"
Starts doing pills, gets addicted,
he fucking dies alone on a toilet.
All right? This man kicked open all of those fucking doors
for the rest of us. All right?
So I sit down,
and I'm watching this documentary as a white dude.
Which is what I am. I'm looking out my white head,
watching this white shit,
it's coming back into my white eyes,
getting whiter by the fucking second. All right?
Now, my wife, on the other hand, she's black, right?
Now, I hate saying that, 'cause it makes it seem like
I'm gonna start doing some stupid comparison jokes.
You know, those dumb white guy, black guy jokes.
It's always like the white guy is like,
"Oh, Jesus, I gotta do my taxes. Can this chair hold me?"
The black guy is always like, "You need to loosen up,
you gotta relax, man. You just gotta let it happen." Right?
It's always the same stupid fucking joke.
I hate those jokes, you know, 'cause they're easy,
and it's been my experience that it's just not true, you know?
Fifteen years of being with her,
there's really no difference, you know?
Because at the end of the day, it's a woman.
All right? It's gonna be the same fights.
I don't give a fuck who you're with.
I'm not gonna lie to you, there might be more head movement
and hand gestures with different races of women...
Possibly an index finger jabbing at your forehead,
whatever the fuck that is.
But at the end of the day, it's the same fights.
"What's going on with us? Do you need to work on this?
Why don't we communicate better?" Right?
So she starts watching this shit as a black person, right?
And she's seeing all the racism, obviously, that I'm seeing,
but she was catching all this subtle shit
that I was too white to see.
but I knew I was missing it
'cause I just kept hearing her huffing and puffing.
Just sitting next to me, being like...
And I'm just sitting there like,
"Okay, somebody did something!
I don't know what just happened,
but I don't think that was good!"
So right when I didn't think it could get any worse,
it couldn't get any more uncomfortable
between the two of us, this fucking white dude comes on
who, evidently, discovered Elvis.
And he's, like, a hundred and fucking 90 years old.
And he comes out, starts talking. He's just like,
"Well, uh basically, uh, I was looking for a white boy
that could take the down-and-dirty, nasty blues
and combine it with the pristine, angelic sounds of bluegrass."
Yeah, that's what he was doing.
He was subtly putting Black shit down here
while he was propping up the white shit.
You know?
"The down-and-dirty, daddy-not-sticking-around,
drug-infested neighborhood blues, with the
Jesus-as-white-as-me, hair-the- color-of-the-sun, angelic,
bluegrass-playing music," right?
So, at this point, my wife has, like,
fucking steam coming out of her ears.
So I make a judgment call.
I just fucking shut it off. Right?
And she looks at me. She's like, "Why did you shut that off?
Why did you shut it off?"
I was like, "Because you're about three minutes away
from yelling at me like I produced this music.
All right? Let's just forget it. We'll watch something else."
She's like, "No, why can't we just watch the rest of this
and then discuss it afterwards?"
It's like, "I don't want to fucking do that.
I just wanna watch a documentary!
I don't want to have a fucking lecture...
because of these fucking assholes.
I didn't do anything!
I'm just sitting here watching TV!
Not to mention, we're just gonna get into an argument."
She's like, "Why would we get into an argument?"
I'm like, "Ugh. All right, you know what?
Because not for nothing, there was some Black people in
there saying some shit that I didn't agree with.
You know? I'm not huffing and puffing."
Yeah... I said that.
Like a fucking idiot!
And she just looks at me. She's like, "Like what Black people?
Like what Black people that said what?"
And at that point, it's like you started the luge, right?
You can't get off the fucking sled.
Now you gotta have the argument.
Like, "Oh, fuck, here we go, guess we're having this."
And I'm like, "All right. All right, the Black guy who brought up
leg shaking, saying, 'Elvis took leg shaking from us.'
It's like, really? Leg shaking?
Nobody thought to fucking do this?
Black people came up with that? You're telling me that?
I'll even give you that! Let's say you came up with that,
but where did that Black dude learn how to do it?
Didn't he watch some older Black guy do it?
But what? 'Cause he's the same color, he's not stealing.
He's just carrying on the tradition.
But if Elvis does it, 'Oh, oh what the fuck?'
Now he's the biggest thief ever?
That doesn't make any sense to me."
She goes, "No, you idiot, it's not about the leg shaking, okay?
He appropriated a culture. He took all the music,
he got all the money, got all the fame,
he's called the King of it now,
and he never gave a shit, not even a shout-out."
And I was like, "All right.
Fair enough.
Made about seven or eight good points there
that I can't refute.
He appropriated a culture. I get it. You're right."
She goes, "Fine, thank you."
And I go, "However...
Not for nothing,
do I get mad at you when you get on a skateboard
and you start going down the fucking street?
Do I get all offended, like, 'Hey, man, that's some white shit!
Stop appropriating my culture, man.
Some dirty white kid in Santa Monica
came up with that, man.'"
So she starts laughing, and I should've stopped there,
but I'm a comedian, right?
I'm like, "Ooh, I'm getting a laugh. There's gotta be a bigger laugh,
so keep going, Bill.
Let's come with another example."
So I'm like, "Yeah, do I get mad at you
when you fly from LA to New York in under six hours?"
And she just, yeah... Yeah.
And she just stares at me. She's just like,
"That was fucked up."