♪♪
-How's everyone doing tonight?
Worried about your family's well-being
because you love them, but also, you kinda hate them
because they're all somehow standing in your way,
no matter what room you walk into?
That sounds about right.
In that case, let's get to the news.
President Trump yesterday said
the coronavirus economic stimulus package
that was passed by the Senate was tremendous because,
"A lot of this money goes to jobs, jobs, jobs
and families, families, families."
I don't know if he was repeating those words for emphasis
or just having a stroke, stroke, stroke.
Senator Mitt Romney announced this week
that he has tested negative for the coronavirus
and also, charisma.
Following Senator Mitt Romney's announcement
that he tested negative for the coronavirus,
President Trump appeared to mock Romney on Twitter and said,
"This is really great news!
I'm so happy I can barely speak."
But then, he clarified, "No seriously.
I can barely speak."
-Known or suspesked gang members.
Advising law markers.
Will not be tolerighted.
United Schtates.
-After former Vice President Joe Biden coughed into his hand
during an interview on Tuesday,
CNN anchor Jake Tapper showed him how to cough into his elbow
before clarifying, "No!
No, your elbow!
What's wrong with you, dude?!"
Former Vice President Joe Biden appeared on "The View"
on Tuesday to discuss the coronavirus and said,
"We have to take care of the cure.
That will make the problem worse, no matter what."
I think he meant make the problem better,
unless he meant take care of the cause,
or maybe he meant to appear on "Good Morning America."
Sometimes it is, uh, it's just impossible to tell.
The New York Post has published a list
of do's and don'ts for having sex
during the coronavirus pandemic.
For example, don't have sex with anyone who went outside
to get The New York Post.
Not even funny headlines about the Mets right now.
Grocery stores, like Kroger, Albertsons, and Walmart,
have announced they will begin installing
plexiglass sneeze guards at checkout aisles
due to the coronavirus, while Whole Foods announced
it's gonna start charging a cover.
"Not on the list, bro.
Get your avocado somewhere else."
A zoo in Missouri has asked the public to write letters
to its animals while it's closed for the coronavirus pandemic.
Said Missourians, "Okay. I'll get right on that,
as soon as I'm done working full-time
while homeschooling my kids."
Mommy, we're hungry. What are you doing?
"I'm, uh, writing a letter to a howler monkey
who can't read.
So be patient."
Elementary school teachers in Missouri --
big day for Missouri in the monologue --
recently drove through neighborhoods,
waving to their students after classes were canceled
due to the cornonavirus outbreak.
Or, at least, that's what they thought,
until they looked closer.
Today was Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler's 72nd birthday.
Said people shopping for a gift,
"What do you get for the man who wears everything?"
It's nice to have one that's not about corona.
Yesterday was National Tolkien Reading Day,
so, if you spent the whole day reading "Lord of the Rings,"
you're gonna love [laughing] page 2.
Ian Morgan goin' hard,
going hard after Tolkien.
On his day!, no less.
Tolkien doesn't [bleep] on you on your birthday, Ian.
Ian can be followed on Twitter.
It's the worst Twitter handle of anyone on our writing staff.
I think it's @TheCh(r)isperer.
I don't know. We can lower-third it,
if you wanna unload on him for his Tolkien nonsense.
@TheCh(r)isp-- I don't know. Alright.
The makers of Peeps have announced that,
due to the coronavirus pandemic,
they've been forced to stop production.
"This is gonna be hard,"
said someone about to eat a Peep.
Ian again, redeeming himself.
Kim Kardashian West has announced
that her makeup company has stopped production
due to the coronavirus pandemic.
At least, I think that was her?
And, finally, Netflix suffered a service outage
throughout parts of Europe yesterday,
due to increased Internet traffic
during the coronavirus quarantines.
And so did Pornhub,
but no one dared to admit they noticed.
"Oh, did it? Yeah? And what is that?
And it's for -- It's for computers?
[mumbling] No, yeah, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't [mumbling]
I don't know."
Well,
that's the end of tonight's monologue.
I feel like some of 'em were pretty good.
I feel like we're all pretty beat up
over the fact that Ian went
after "Lord of the Rings" so hard.
Or LOTR, as people will sometimes write it.
Uh, I don't have much else to say,
other than I think my sweater did great today
and I don't know.
If you're still watching this,
This is maybe, now, at this point,
I'm just seein' how long you'll watch a YouTube video.
I've clearly run out of material.
Uh, we're gonna be back on Monday
with another "Closer Look" and more jokes
and we feel very lucky that we still get to do this.
Wash your hands. Be safe. We love you.