Wouldn't we all love to know how to be a better parent without yelling? Actually
the yelling kind of spoils things, doesn't it? I've got 5 specific tips
for you today. I think you're gonna like this. One of my favorite things to coach
my clients about is called metacognition.
Metacognition is a made-up word. We make up words in psychology because it makes
us feel smart. If we put it on on a level, cognition is at this level. Cognition
means thinking. Metacognition is a higher level. It's thinking about thinking. And
do you notice that you can do this? Be careful with it. It's going to drive you
nuts. But notice that you can think about your own thinking. Now, while we're in
that metacognitive state, why are you yelling? Think about it from that level.
Why are you yelling? What is it that's going on inside of you that has you
yelling? As your awareness comes up about that, so does your control. Most commonly,
yelling is a side effect of frustration or anger or sometimes just plain old
habit. It's what we've been trained taught and educated to do. Maybe by our
own parents. I don't know. Whatever it is for you, take a moment to connect with
why you're yelling. Are your expectations being violated? Is this kid not being the
way he should be? Is she neglecting something that she should be
paying attention to? What is it? Focus in on your own reasons. And as you go to
that metacognitive level, let's talk about 5 specific things that you can
do to become a better parent without yelling. Number 1, be clear about what
you control and what you don't control. As you take a moment to think about that,
you're going to notice that most of the things you're yelling about, you don't
control. Is that true for you? Most of the things you yell about, you don't control.
Because if you controlled it, you just control it. And you wouldn't have to yell
about it. Probably you're trying to change something that's outside of your
control. That is a recipe for frustration. "Then Dr. Paul, what can I do when my kid
is too...." Whatever, fill in the blanks. Well, there's a lot of things you can do. We
want to make sure that the things you choose to do are squarely within your
control. That's going to bring your frustration
level down and it's going to make it less likely that you're going to feel like
you have to yell. My second tip for you today has to do with your own emotional
state. I want you to focus on maintaining a calm voice. A calm face and they calm
body. Calm voice, calm face, calm body. You'll see in the positive parenting
playlist that there's a lot of videos there. 2 of which I invited my good
friend Nickalene Peck to join me. And she is the one that gave me this idea. Calm
voice, calm face, calm body. When you as a parent are in that position, you can
solve anything. There's a lot of reasons why I'm confident saying that. It changes
your own mind and it gives you the resources that you're going to need to
be creative and to think about some things that you might be able to do. Calm
voice, calm face, calm body. Got it? Let's move to tip number 3. For this one,
remember that children always have choices. Always. At the very least, they
can choose to operate or not. They get to choose those
things. For you as a parent, try this strategy. Give them 2 choices.
There's always door number 3, I know. But you're giving them 2 choices. Both
of which, you're okay with. One of which, you control. That's why we hit the
control thing right up front. 2 choices, you're okay with both of them, you
control one of them. So an example. Let's say that your first grader is supposed
to be getting dressed for school. Okay, that scenario happens sometimes. But your
first grader is dragging her feet. She doesn't want to get ready for school, she
wants to play with her toys. 2 choices. I'm okay with both of them, I control one
of them. "Sweetie, you can get dressed and ready by yourself or I can assist you to
get dressed right now." Alright. Do you see I'm okay with both of them? Am I okay
with her getting dressed by herself? Yeah, sure.
Am I okay with me assisting her to get dressed? Well, yes I am actually. Now, if
you're not okay with it, don't offer it as a choice. I'm okay with both. Which one
do I control? The one where I assist her. What if she chooses door number 3? No,
I you want to keep playing with my toys. Well, that means that the one I control
becomes default. And I don't have to yell because I control it. As I walk over
there and I start assisting her to get dressed. Do you see how this works? Let's
do another quick example. Maybe with a teenager. Let's say that you're
13- year old is supposed to take out the garbage.
That's his chore for the week. But he doesn't want to take out the garbage. He
wants to keep playing his video game, right? 2 choices. "Son, you can take out
the garbage on your own or you can hire me to do it. Either ways fine with me." All
right, I'm okay with both. Am I okay if he doesn't on his own? Absolutely. That's
kind of what I was planning. Am I okay to have him hire me to do it? Yeah, that's
fine too. Now, this brings up some questions and we
can talk about this in another video if you want. What if he chooses that? Then I
cheerfully go take out the garbage because he hired me to do it at my rates.
I charge a lot. My kids don't hire me much to do their chores because they
tried it. How do I collect that? Well, that's probably a topic for another
video. 2 choices. I'm okay with both of them, I control one of them. That one
becomes default if they try to pick door number 3. This puts you in a better
position of control so you don't feel like you have to yell. You've got it.
Tip number 4 ties into the things that we've already talked about. I want
to make it explicit and just peel it out as its own tip. Separate the emotion from
the discipline. So, that the discipline gets to be all business. There's no
emotional attachment. Did you hear how I was presenting those examples earlier?
You can do this or you can do that. Either way is really okay with me. You
choose. When parents are smiling, kids are thinking. If you're all upset, well you
better do this right now. Then they know that they've got you. If you get
emotionally involved in the discipline, it triggers something in their mind
where they get this... I don't know, it's a false sense of control or something. Like
"Wow, I'm only eight years old and I can get
big person to totally lose control." Yeah, it's a false power rush. When you take
the emotion away from the discipline and the discipline becomes all business put
you in a position of power as a parent. And it secures your child. Children
already know that they're toast without us. They know. Even in a little
five-year-old mind. The kids thinking, "Oh man, I I'm sure glad I got mom and dad
here. If they disappeared I'd be in a world of hurt." And they know that. And
they might not express that to you but they know that. So, you give them a solid
stable presence that has the emotion and the discipline separated. Put the emotion
into the relationship. Which leads me right to tip number 5. Remember your
job. Remember your job. What's your job as a parent? It's to love them to love
them no matter what and even if. No matter what and even if. It's not your
job to make sure that they do their chores. It's not your job to make sure
that they're happy. It's not your job to make sure that they are productive
citizens. That's outside of your control. Yes, we're going to do what we can to put
all of the resources in place for our kids, to have all of those things. Your
job at the end of the day is to love them no matter what and even if. Even if
they don't do their homework. Even if they're not productive citizens, even if
they hate you. Your job is still to love them no matter
what and even if. That probably brings a little bit of relief to your heart and
mind. Because you know that you can do that. From that position of feeling
relieved and confident that you've got your job, you can back off on the yelling.
Because you're already doing a great job. You're a benevolent, generous, loving
parent. Your job is to love them or what and even if. Parenting is not an
easy task. Thank you for being here, for being a conscious parent. Please share
these videos with other parents who are looking for that kind of support. And if
you haven't checked out the Parenting Power-Up, would you please do that.
parentingpowerup.com. We've got a ton of resources that are coming your way
and it's an honor to be on your parenting team.