I grew up in Queens, New York.
While attending middle school I witnessed quite a number of homophobic incidents.
And because of that, I became acclimatized to it all.
At that time, being gay was seen as a big no.
It was seem as wrong and you quickly became teasing material.
Being exposed to all of the hate towards the gay community, I quickly became homophobic.
Hating on gay people became part of my lifestyle.
And helping them was out of the question.
So I would often witness guys being beaned and would never offer assistance.
There was a point in my life that I developed such a hatred for gays.
I could not comprehend the fact that a man could have feelings for another man in the
way I could have feelings for a woman.
I had a guy friend I often hung out with.
And this one time we were playing handball.
And I notice he started touching and complimenting me.
I ignored it at first.
But as the game progressed it became overbearing for me and I felt violated.
I told him to stop and he started to play aggressively but later touched me again.
I lost it and I yelled at him.
I asked if he was gay and insulted him and told him to quit touching me.
He laughed and told me he had feelings for me and proceeded to touch my stomach.
At that moment it was like a fuse blew in my brain.
I punched him, pushed him into the wall and swung him head first into the street.
I remember breaking his glasses and gashing his face in.
A part of me believed it was self defense while another part of me couldn’t believe
that I actually hurt someone I knew to that extent.
I then started high school with an anti-social
mindset.
I was a book nerd.
Always organized and often kept to myself.
The school bullies quickly picked up on that and I became a target for them.
They would call me gay and yell derogatory terms like faggot and stupid fairy in the halls.
It escalated to the point where no one would want to be around me and I became an outcast.
My classmates would secretly ask me if I was gay.
I always told them no but I knew they didn’t believe me.
Not long after I started college and felt
like this was a chance for me to break out of my shell.
I was happy that high school was over and that I could move away from all the negativity
and start fresh.
A few months later I joined theatre class and it was there that I was exposed to many
talented people.
Many of them were gay and bisexual so at first I was hesitant.
I was still scared of gay people and confused.
As time went by and we worked together I started to become more open minded and made some great
friendships in theatre class.
My first close friend I made was gay.
He was super kind and made me feel like family.
It was almost surreal.
I had a gay friend.
Later on in my college years, I had an experience with a gay college professor.
He made me feel comfortable in my own skin and always believed that I could do anything.
I always suffered from low self esteem and felt ashamed of my height.
Then one time he stopped me and told me something that always stuck with me up until
this day.
He said, “You look real and you’re great just as you are and that’s what art and
theatre needs.”
It was a line that gave me a whole new prospective on life and gave me the confidence I needed.
All of this made me think back to the days of me being immature and inconsiderate of
people’s feelings.
I wonder how my old friend feels now and I hope I haven’t affected him in a negative
way and I hope he forgives me.
The hate I had wasn’t me.
It was just a by-product of what was around me.
I got a taste of what it felt like to be treated differently in high school and often
wonder if I wasn’t picked on would I have changed my views on gays.
In a way I’m thankful for my high school days because it truly did open my eyes to
what gays go through on a daily basis.
Now I’m an aspiring actor with a great You Tube following and I’m going to keep
working hard and chase my dreams with no hate in my heart.
It feels liberating.
We see hate all the time in this world and it seems like a common path.
So let’s pull away from that and move towards less hatred.