Today at Live On Purpose TV, we're talking about how to
deal with parental alienation.
Parental alienation is usually a term that's used to describe
a dynamic that occurs after a divorce or separation. I first heard this term
coined by Dr Richard Gardner who talked about this process that can
be very destructive to children and to families.
It's pretty common for this to happen in a divorce dynamic and there's a couple
of reasons for this. Number 1, there's something called
cognitive dissonance that occurs typically in a divorce. Cognitive
dissonance is simply when what we experience in the world around us
and what we believe or hold as a thought in our mind
doesn't match. And here's the cognitive dissonance in a divorce:
It's not okay to be divorced from a really awesome person.
That wouldn't make sense, right? Because if it's a really awesome person then why
not just stay together? Well, this creates cognitive dissonance,
very common in a divorce. And so, instead of allowing the
ex to be this awesome wonderful person that you are now simply separated from,
we create or fabricate or make up in our own mind an
ex that we can hate. I did child custody evaluations for 13
years. I saw this consistently. And I think it
might even be a universal experience that people have
when they go through a divorce. They create or fabricate or make up in their
mind an ex that they can hate. And that's what
starts this parental alienation. So, think about it.
If that person is a terrible, awful, no-good, very bad
person, I don't want my children to be around them.
Heavens! I want to protect my children. And this is the other part, okay? There's
a natural protective instinct that parents have. So,
between the cognitive dissonance and the protective instinct
that we all have as parents, it makes total sense that parental
alienation occurs. I want to protect my children from that
thing that is terrible awful, horrible, no-good,
very bad. And may i just add something here? Because this will get to
how we're going to deal with parental alienation.
Your ex is doing the same thing. Yeah, that's important to know. Because
who is it that they are hating and despising? Is it you?
No. It's some ex that they created or fabricated or made up in their mind
to resolve their own cognitive dissonance. It's not
you. In fact, you would hate this person too.
Honestly, this person is terrible and horrible and no good and very bad.
You wouldn't want your kids to be around the person that your
ex hates. But it's not you. Can you hold that in your mind for just
a minute? I'll come right back to that. Before we get into a couple of the tips
that i have for you on how to deal with parental alienation,
let's just acknowledge something. Kids issues are not the parents
issues. And the parents issues are not the kids issues.
The things that you tend to be concerned about
and that trouble your mind about the divorce of the separation are not the
same things that trouble the kids. Parents
make this mistake all the time and they think
that what's important to them is important to the kids. It's
usually not. They have a whole different set of issues.
And here's one of the number one issues that they have.
They need to feel permission to freely love both of their parents.
That's important. And remember, you're not immune from this
cognitive dissonance that has you creating that spouse that you can hate.
And your ex-spouse is creating an ex-spouse that they can hate too.
Everybody's doing this. But these are not the children's parents.
They're make-believe people that are resolving the cognitive dissonance for
the parents. These aren't the real people that your
children have a relationship with. They need to feel fully empowered
with full permission to love both of their parents. That's why I hate the
parental alienation syndrome. It really gets in the way of what
children need to resiliently come through the divorce
in a way that keeps them psychologically healthy. Now, I can get
off on that but just think about that, will you? Okay, I
promised you some tips for how to deal with the parental alienation.
I'll give you 3 that are very practical
and very helpful. First, the strategic non-response. I love this.
And you can use it strategically not only here but in other areas of life too.
Think about where it might apply. The strategic non-response is where you
strategically decide not to respond.
And this is especially important because of what I shared
earlier about cognitive dissonance and this process that I've observed so
many times where people create, fabricate make up an ex that they
can hate. What's your ex doing about you? Same
thing. They're creating fabricating making up an ex that they can
hate. The worst thing that you can do is jump in and defend that person.
It's not you. Unfortunately, this is a case
of identity theft because the ex that your ex made up to hate
has your name and your identification numbers
and your face. But it's not you. And in fact, we know this because really
how well does your ex know you at your core? I mean deep inside,
your desires, your purpose, how well? Do they know you? Yeah, not very well. So,
who is it that they're hating and despising?
It's not you. It's this made up person. You would hate them too.
Do not be in the position of defending them. It's really natural when parental
alienation starts for you to get all defensive.
If it's not you, you don't need to be defensive.
That's where I want you to use this strategic non-response
where you simply choose not to respond to it.
This is powerful on a lot of levels. But mostly in your own mind because you're
detaching yourself from that fabricated person that
all of us would hate. Your ex's ex is a terrible person.
You wouldn't like them either. Okay. So, don't defend them.
Here's tip number 2. This one is really important
because it has everything to do with your functioning. You need to take
care of you. This is essential and I mean even the basics. Get enough
sleep, eat a balanced diet, regular exercise,
periods for prayer and meditation and solace. All of these things are important
to take care of you. Because this is one of the most
stressful things that you can go through. Separation and divorce tops the list
on stressful things that you can experience. It's usually
higher on the stress list than the death of a spouse.
Which is also very stressful. But admittedly there are
issues with a divorce that you don't get when your spouse passes away.
So, you got to take care of yourself. This puts you in a position where you
can actually take care of your kids better too.
And when we're dealing with parental alienation,
you're going to take some blows. Now, we already talked about how it's not really
you, it's this fabricated person that's
actually being hated. It's not you. At the same time, it feels
like you. And so as you take some blows. You're
going to have to develop some resilience. That's why it's so important to take
care of yourself. I know that's very basic.
I know it's simple. It's also very important so don't forget to do this.
What if we could get away from all of the parental alienation stuff
and simply focus on the relationship that we have with our
child? Can i just remind you, this is one of the
most stressful things you can go through., It's one of the most stressful things
your child can go through. And that's why it's so important for you
to take care of yourself so that you can show up
as a sane, stable, loving parent that's benevolent and generous. Not crazy
and fighting. You're going to put down your end of the tug-of-war rope,
okay? You don't have to fight this battle. That's part of what a strategic
non-response is all about. Think of the analogy I just shared with
you. A tug of war where 2 parties are both pulling on
this rope. If you put down your end of the rope,
there is no fight. So, you're going to surrender in a way. I'm not saying that
you give up. I'm saying this is a fight you're going
to choose to opt out of. Because it's a non-productive
one. That gets back to our strategy about the
strategic non-response. Taking care of yourself and then finally
you focus on your relationship with your
child. Put all of that energy that you might
have been tempted to use in disparaging the other
parent. Put that back into your relationship with your child.
Take it seriously. Spend some time with them. Children don't
keep. They grow up and become adults. And then they don't want to cuddle with
you and they don't want to go play ball with you. Take advantage of the time
that you have right now with your precious children
and put that energy into your relationship with them.
This will pay more dividends than anything you could ever accomplish
in the tug of war, in the battle that we call parental alienation. I hope
you don't have to deal with this too much.
I hope that these tips will help you to know how to
deal with it if it happens. You've got this. You're a resilient person,
you're a positive person, you're a conscious parent.
This is tricky stuff. If you need a little bit of coaching,
I would be happy to help you with that. Check out the resources that are
available right now at Live On Purpose Central.
Go.liveonpurposecentral.com. Come over and check it out. You
can even get a free discovery call with one of our coaches.
Let's figure out how we can support you to live on purpose.