- On a date, we're looking at each other's faces.
And one of the things that's interesting is,
as we scan, we also look at the lips.
When we're very comfortable
around each other, lips are full.
These little folds called the pillows, fill with blood
when we're comfortable around each other,
so much so, that when we kiss, we actually feel the warmth.
My name is Joe Navarro
and I am a nonverbal communications expert.
When it comes to dating, most of our decisions
are really based on non-verbals.
How they look, does this person have a nice manner?
Are they well behaved?
We cannot escape this.
This is part of our being human.
You know, every time we walk by somebody we're interested in
and we groom ourselves and preen ourselves, in a way,
this is part of that heritage
of presenting ourselves at our best,
so that we will be considered.
[whistling]
[tapping]
So let's look at this couple on their first date.
So as we watch these two individuals,
the first thing we'll notice is,
they're both a little nervous and that's to be expected.
And the reason for that is when we come into visual range,
we are both assessing each other.
The limbic area of the brain is doing the major processing.
It is looking at this other person
for those features that say, is this person a threat to me
or are they not a threat to me?
Do they look healthy, respectful?
Are they well-mannered, do they look well groomed?
Things like this, this is the magical process
that we all engage in, of grabbing
as much information about this person,
before we even begin to talk to them.
[typing]
As we get closer, then we begin to assess
each other's faces.
We're looking at each other to see
if the person is attractive,
to see if we can have a harmonious moment.
And in part, it has to do with the fact
that we have this visual cortex.
If you make a fist, that's about the size
of your visual cortex, that visual cortex wants to be fed.
And it's not just us, many animals, for instance lionesses,
prefer the lion that has the large mane
and so it tends to be very universal,
that we have a preference
for that which is beautiful and which stands out.
In fact, when I see someone that's absolutely beautiful,
my pupils dilate, we don't have control over that.
We know that because we've done studies on babies
and their pupils dilate when they see something beautiful.
So the more that we like each other,
the more of the scanning that takes place.
You can certainly see the man scanning the woman.
And usually that scanning is eye to eye, to nose,
to mouth, to throat, back up to the eyes.
And it's this triangle.
Look at how often they're scanning each other
versus I'm looking at you one second
and then I'm totally looking away way and back and forth.
[typing]
As we see from the video, there comes a point
where they stop being sort of restless.
They sort of settled down and they've now transitioned
from getting acquainted and getting situated
to the conversation in earnest.
One of the first things that stood out for me
at the two minute mark, is you see her leg stretched out,
which is a terrific indicator
that she's very much interested in this individual
because otherwise that leg would never go out that far,
it would remain a restraint.
This is a very limbic response,
which at a subconscious level says,
I'm willing to spend more time with you,
so much so that I'm on one leg
and off balance that it's towards him is very positive
because when we're getting along with each other,
we're going to see more reaching out
towards the person I'm talking to.
And these are similitudes of,
I wish we were closer together.
When we're very comfortable, we tend to touch things.
We may actually touch ourselves, whether it's our watch
or our hands or a purse or something, we become more tactile
because our body is asking us to contribute
to the positive nature of what's going on.
And that's what we're seeing here.
You'll see some self adjusting
on her part, to make herself even more comfortable.
Conversely, we see the man rubbing his hands on his knee.
So they seem in a position
where they can feel comfortable with themselves
and with the other person.
Hand gestures are so much part of communication
because they help to convey a story visually
but they also represent our emotions.
Let's say a woman is playing with her hair
as she is talking to a man and if she likes the man,
what we'll see is that she'll rotate her wrist,
so that when she plays now with her hair,
the inside of the wrist is now facing the man.
In the old days when a lot more people were smoking,
you would smoke this way
but the minute you liked the person with you,
then you would rotate the wrist towards that person.
[typing]
As the date continues, we've begun
to see a lot of ventral fronting and so forth.
When we like people, we turn
and rotate our ventral side towards them.
The limbic system is not gonna permit you
to front your ventral, your weakest side
to something that you dislike.
At a very young age, you'll see a young child,
maybe two, three years old
immediately cross their arms,
turn around and go, I don't wanna go.
And you say, well, where did you learn that behavior?
It's innate.
As we move along, what you notice
is that every time she moves, he moves, she moves, he moves.
This is clearly isopraxis going on,
this is true body echoing,
their bodies are mirroring each other.
We know that there is synchrony.
And when there's synchrony, there's harmony.
Just before the 11 minute mark,
we see them laughing simultaneously.
That is probably one of the most apparent displays
that we have as humans, of we are in synchrony.
It's kind of a beautiful dance to watch,
especially when you look it at a rapid speed.
When one touches the face such as at the 13 minute mark,
the other one touches the face and so forth.
As you move between 30 and 33 minutes,
you'll notice that the quick head movements
that she makes are mirrored almost perfectly
by the same head movements that he makes,
which again is indicative
of psychological comfort and harmony.
We can tell that there's a lot of interest.
We see them leaning in,
we see them expressing themselves and so forth.
These behaviors are very much consistent
with what we would say, hey, they're getting along.
[typing]
Even to the casual observer, several things stand out.
They both remained in place
for a considerable period of time.
They mirrored each other.
They took comfort in each other.
Their body language is communicating we're getting along,
we're interested in each other.
And that's the beauty of nonverbal communications,
is that I didn't have to listen to what they said.
I was looking at what they were shouting
through their body language
and their body language was saying, we are in harmony.