>> Stephen: OH, HEY.
YOU JUST CAUGHT ME JAMMING.
WELCOME-- THAT'S ALL WE DO IS JAM IN HERE BETWEEN SHOWS.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, I HAVE A F PEP IN MY STEP THERE ARE SO MANY HOPEFUL SIGNS
THAT, AT LONG LAST, AMERICA MAY BE EMERGING FROM THE PANDEMIC.
PEOPLE ARE WALKING AROUND OUTSIDE WITHOUT MASKS, THIS
WEEKEND FAMILIES WERE ABLE TO COME TOGETHER SAFELY FOR
MOTHER'S DAY, AND BENNIFER IS BACK!
NATURE IS HEALING.
OH, AND THERE'S MORE GOOD NEWS ON THE HORIZON.
AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "THE VAX-SCENE."
♪ GET YOUR VACCINE AND DON'T GET SICK!
♪ GO GET YOUR VACCINE DON'T BE A DICK!
♪ JUST ROLL UP THAT ARM SHOW OFF YOUR PECKS!
♪ NO NEED FOR ALARM NO MICROCHIP!
♪ LET'S GO BREATHE SOME AIR!
CUT YOUR HAIR!
SQUEEZE INTO YOUR SKINNY PANTS!♪ >> Stephen: OH, "IT" WAS THE
CLOWN!
( LAUGHTER )
ADULTS HAVE RECEIVED AT LEAST ONE SHOT, WHICH HAS LED
DOCTORS TO SAY, "THIS SUMMER IS GOING TO SEEM SO MUCH CLOSER TO
NORMAL THAN WE'VE HAD IN A VERY LONG TIME."
YES!
A NORMAL SUMMER!
GOING UP TO THE LODGE WITH THE FAMILY, LEARNING HOW TO SAMBA
FROM THAT ROGUE DANCE INSTRUCTOR-- EVEN THOUGH MY
PARENTS DON'T APPROVE-- THEN SHOWING EVERYONE I'M AN
INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO'S HAD THE TIME OF HER LIFE, AND I'VE NEVER
FELT THIS WAY BEFORE!
A WHOLE NEW CATEGORY OF PEOPLE ARE NOW ELIGIBLE, BECAUSE
YESTERDAY, THE F.D.A. AUTHORIZED THE PFIZER CORONAVIRUS VACCINE
FOR ADOLESCENTS 12 TO 15 YEARS OLD.
T.B.H., THAT'S GUCCI.
BEING ABLE TO TOTES-HUG YOUR FAM IS LIT.
I SHIP ADOLESCENTS AGES 12 TO 15 AND THIS VACCINE.
HUNDO P.
I PITY THE FOOL.
DON'T DO DRUGS-- EXCEPT FOR THE VACCINE.
BUT MANY ADULTS ARE HESITANT TO GET THE VACCINE, SO SOME PLACES
ARE OFFERING REWARDS, LIKE A BREWERY IN BUFFALO OFFERING FREE
BEER AS AN INCENTIVE FOR PEOPLE TO GET VACCINATED.
FINALLY, A WAY TO GET THE RESIDENTS OF BUFFALO DRINKING
BEER!
MEANWHILE, DOWN STATE, HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, THE CITY WILL
START OFFERING VACCINES AT SUBWAY STOPS.
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING EVERYBODY THINKS IN THE SUBWAY
IT'S, "I WISH I COULD HAVE A MEDICAL PROCEDURE HERE."
THERE WON'T BE A NEED FOR A FOLLOW-UP APPOINTMENT, BECAUSE
OFFICIALS WILL USE THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE AT THE STATIONS.
SURE, THEY SAY THAT, BUT HALFWAY THROUGH, THEY'LL SWITCH TO
MODERNA FOR NO REASON, AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO GET OFF AT 14th
STREET TO WAIT FOR ANOTHER SHOT.
FOR THOSE PEOPLE NOT IN NEW YORK, GETTING A SHOT MIGHT NOT
BE AS EASY AS GETTING ON A SUBWAY.
BUT EARLY TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED SOME HELP FOR THAT.
>> TO ENSURE THAT TRANSPORTATION IS LESS OF A BARRIER, FROM MAY
24 TO JULY 4, UBER AND LYFT-- UBER AND LYFT ARE BOTH GONNA
OFFER EVERYONE FREE RIDES TO AND FROM VACCINATION SITES.
I THINK THAT IS REALLY STEPPING UP.
BOTH UBER AND LYFT, FREE RIDES TO-- THEY'LL WAIT, AND FROM--
THEY'LL TAKE YOU BACK HOME.
>> Stephen: THIS IS GREAT FOR PATIENTS, AND EVEN GREATER
FOR ANY UBER DRIVERS WHO HAVE THOUGHT, "I LOVE WORKING DURING
THE PANDEMIC, BUT I JUST WISH THERE WAS A WAY TO MAKE SURE
THAT 100% OF MY PASSENGERS WERE UNVACCINATED."
THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO DON'T NEED ANY HELP GETTING A DOSE,
LIKE IN TUSCANY, WHERE AN ITALIAN WOMAN WAS ACCIDENTALLY
GIVEN SIX SHOTS OF COVID-19 VACCINE.
IT WAS ALL PART OF OLIVE GARDEN'S FAMOUS PROMOTION,
"UNLIMITED NEEDLE STICKS."
NOW, WHILE THIS LADY GOT A LITTLE TOO MUCH VAX, THAT'S NOT
THE CASE EVERYWHERE, LIKE IN INDIA, WHERE THE HUGE SURGE IN
CASES, ALONG WITH A VACCINE SHORTAGE, IS PUSHING PEOPLE TO
TRY UNCONVENTIONAL TREATMENTS, SO MUCH SO THAT DOCTORS ARE
TRYING TO CONVINCE PEOPLE THAT THERE'S NO EVIDENCE SMEARING
YOURSELF IN COW DUNG CURES CORONAVIRUS.
THOUGH, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE IT WILL KEEP PEOPLE SIX FEET AWAY.
THERE'S A NEW BOOK COMING OUT ABOUT THE SECRET SERVICE, FOR
THOSE OF YOU WHO READ.
AND THIS BOOK HAS SOME JUICY DETAILS ABOUT FORMER
PRESIDENT "SHAVED GRIMACE."
ACCORDING TO THE BOOK, THE FORMER FIRST FAMILY GOT VERY
CLOSE TO THEIR SECRET SERVICE DETAILS.
IN FACT, AT ONE POINT VANESSA, WIFE OF DON JR., STARTED DATING
ONE OF THE SECRET SERVICE AGENTS.
I'D SAY THAT'S UNPROFESSIONAL, BUT IT WAS SECRET.
AND I'M GUESSING SOMEONE WAS BEING SERVICED.
BUT NOT EVERYBODY LOVED THEIR SECRET SERVICE GUARDS SO
LITERALLY, PARTICULARLY NOT THE MARGINALLY SENTIENT SPRAY TAN IN
THE OVAL OFFICE.
APPARENTLY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS CONSUMED WITH GETTING
OVERWEIGHT SECRET SERVICE AGENTS REMOVED FROM THEIR POSTS, SAYING
HE WANTED "THESE FAT GUYS OFF MY DETAIL."
HE WAS PARTICULARLY UPSET WITH THE AGENT THAT THEY POSTED IN
HIS BATHROOM MIRROR EVERY MORNING.
THAT WASN'T THE ONLY COMPLAINT FROM THE "OAF OF OFFICE."
HE ALSO PROPOSED A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR RENOVATION
"TO DIG UP AND REPLACE ALL THE LOWERED GATES, BECAUSE HE HATED
THE BUMP HE FELT WHEN HIS LIMO DROVE OVER THEM."
I'M SURPRISED THE FORMER PRESIDENT COULDN'T HANDLE THAT.
RUMOR IS, DON JR. LOVES A LITTLE BUMP.
HEY, SPEAKING OF RICH PEOPLE: BOATS!
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE LATEST BOAT NEWS IN MY NEW
SEAFARING SEGMENT, "YACHT WACHTCH!"
>> OH, REGATTA GET A YACHT!
>> Stephen: THE PANDEMIC HAS BEEN A BOOM TIME FOR
BILLIONAIRES, AND THEY ARE USING THEIR PROFITS TO GIVE BACK TO
HARD-HIT COMMUNITIES-- AS LONG AS THOSE COMMUNITIES BUILD GIANT
SHINY NEW YACHTS.
TONIGHT'S FEATURED LUXURY BOATSMAN: AMAZON C.E.O. JEFF
BEZOS, SEEN HERE LEARNING WHERE HIS WAREHOUSE WORKERS HAVE TO
PEE.
TODAY, WE LEARNED THAT BEZOS WILL SOON RECEIVE DELIVERY OF A
$500 MILLION MEGA-YACHT.
DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHEN IT WILL BE DELIVERED, BUT WE DO KNOW IT
WILL COME IN A MUCH BIGGER BOX.
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING: "STEVE, SO ONE RICH
GUY GOT A SUPER YACHT.
IS THIS REALLY A FULL 'YACHT WACHTCH'?
WELL, YACHT WACHTCH THIS: JEFF BEZOS' SUPER YACHT IS SO
BIG IT NEEDS ITS OWN YACHT.
AND DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE.
THERE'S A PERFECTLY GOOD REASON FOR THIS YACHT TO HAVE
ITS OWN YACHT.
THE SECOND YACHT IS THE SAME SUPPORT YACHT.
YOU CAN TELL WHICH ONE IS THE SUPPORT YACHT BECAUSE IT HAS
THAT LITTLE VEST.
THAT WAY, YOU CAN TAKE THE YACHT ON THE PLANE WITH YOU.
HERE'S WHY BEZOS NEEDS IT.
THE MOMMY YACHT WILL BE POWERED WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF THREE
GIANT MASTS, AND THOSE SAILS MEAN IT WILL NOT SPORT A
HELIPAD, SO THEY NEED A SEPARATE SHIP WITH A DEDICATED LANDING
FACILITY.
I MEAN, WHO HASN'T NEEDED A SEPARATE YACHT JUST FOR HIS
HELICOPTER?
BEZOS TRULY IS AN EVERYMAN-- IN THAT HE HAS THE COMBINED
WEALTH OF EVERY MAN.
SEE YOU AT THE SHOW TRIALS, JEFF!
HEY, WE GOT ANOTHER SIGN THAT THINGS ARE RETURNING TO NORMAL,
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN PLAYED
ICE HOCKEY FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE PANDEMIC.
AND EVEN THOUGH PUTIN WAS PLAYING WITH RETIRED
PROFESSIONAL HOCKEY PLAYERS, HE SCORED EIGHT GOALS, LEADING HIS
TEAM TO A 13-9 VICTORY.
LET'S GO TO THE HIGHLIGHTS.
HERE'S PUTIN BEFORE THE GAME, INDICATING TO SNIPERS WHICH
TEAMMATES TO KEEP THEIR SIGHTS ON, AND THERE'S PUTIN, NUMBER
11, SHAMBLING DOWN THE ICE LIKE A PENGUIN WITH GOUT.
HE TAKES THE PASS, GOES FIVE-HOLE AS THE GOALIE BEGS,
"PLEASE, I HAVE CHILDREN!'" AS ALWAYS, OF COURSE, HIS MOST
IMPRESSIVE GOAL WAS SCORED ON HORSEBACK.
THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE ON THE WATCHING THE SHOW WHO SPEND A
FAIR AMOUNT OF TIME ON THE SOCIAL MEDIAS, WILL KNOW THERE
WAS A BIT OF A KERFUFFLE OVER A TWEET POSTED BY "THE NEW YORK
POST."
YOU KNOW THEIR MOTTO: "WHO GOT STABBED TODAY-- EVERY DAY."
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
THE "POST" DECLARED THAT LEONARDO DICAPRIO IS
UNRECOGNIZABLE IN THE FIRST PHOTOS RELEASED FROM HIS NEW
MARTIN SCORSESE FILM.
OKAY, "UNRECOGNIZABLE."
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN FIND HIM IN THE SCREENSHOT THEY POSTED IN
THAT TWEET.
OKAY, LET'S TRY TO FIGURE THIS OUT.
THEY SAY HE'S IN THERE SOMEWHERE.
SO HE'S EITHER THE GUY WHO LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE LEONARDO DICAPRIO,
OR HE'S DEEPLY IN CHARACTER AS A PAIR OF SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS.
THE ONLY THING CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PHOTO IS WHY THE "NEW YORK
POST" THOUGHT IT WAS CONFUSING IN ANY WAY.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO IS ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS PEOPLE ON THE
PLANET.
AND I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT HE WOULD EVER BE
UNRECOGNIZABLE.
AND HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT, I AM HONORED TO WELCOME ACADEMY
AWARD-WINNING ACTOR, PRODUCER, ENVIRONMENTAL ACTIVIST, AND
WILLOWY MODEL COLLECTOR, LEONARDO DICAPRIO!
LEO, THANK YOU FOR DROPPING BY ON SHORT NOTICE, MY FRIEND.
>> MY PLEASURE, STEVE.
>> Stephen: LEO, UH, I GOTTA EAT MY WORDS A LITTLE BIT HERE.
YOU DO LOOK A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
>> EXACTLY.
THAT IS HOW YOU KNOW IT'S ME, LEONARDO DICAPRIO.
I AM UNRECOGNIZABLE!
>> Stephen: I STAND CORRECTED.
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?
>> OH, JUST THE USUAL LEO STUFF, YOU KNOW, OWNING AN ISLAND,
DATING, BRINGING DATES TO THE ISLAND.
>> Stephen: SOUNDS GOOD.
SO, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS "NEW YORK POST" STORY?
>> OH, MAN.
I MEAN, I LOVE IT!
IT SHOWCASES MY ABILITY TO LIKE I DID IN MY OSCAR-WINNING
PERFORMANCE. "SHOW ME THE MONEY!"
>> Stephen: THAT'S CUBA GOODING JR. IN "JERRY MCGUIRE."
YOU WON FOR "THE REVENANT."
>> OH, YEAH, OF COURSE, RIGHT.
I MEANT "SHOW ME THE REVENANT!" >> Stephen: I'M STARTING TO
THINK YOU MIGHT NOT BE LEO.
>> NO, IT'S ME.
THE 'NARDO!
YOU WANT ME TO PAINT YOU LIKE ONE OF MY FRENCH GIRLS, OR
OR WHATEVER?
LET'S EAT SOME GILBERT GRAPES!
>> Stephen: THIS IS EMBARRASSING.
YOU'RE CLEARLY SETH ROGEN.
>> NO, IT'S ME!
REMEMBER?
I WAS IN "THE DEPARTED."
I AD THAT FAMOUS LINE: "GUYS, WE GOTTA LEAVE RIGHT NOW.
LET'S GET DEPARTED."
LET'S SEE I WAS IN... WHAT ELSE?
I WAS IN "GROWING PAINS"?
WOW, THAT'S CRAZY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I ACCEPT THAT YOU'RE LEO.
>> I AM, I VERY MUCH AM.
AND WHILE I'M HERE, I, LEONARDO DICAPRIO, WOULD LIKE TO
OFFICIALLY ENDORSE HOUSEPLANT, YOUR ONE-STOP SHOP FOR CANNABIS
LOVERS AND OTHER STUFF LIKE THAT.
IT'S RUN BY SETH ROGEN, WHO IS A MUCH SEXIER, HOTTER THAN ME,
LEONARDO DICAPRIO.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT GRATE SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS FORMER FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪