BUT THE RACE TO REPLACE TRUMP KEEPS HEATING UP, AND I'LL TELL
YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT DONKEY STYLE."
"NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED."
>> Stephen: FIRST UP ON THE "D" STYLE IS FORMER COLORADO
GOVERNOR JOHN HICKENLOOPER, SEEN HICKENLOOPER HAS STRUGGLED TO
GAIN TRACTION AND IS CONSIDERING ENDING HIS PRESIDENTIAL BID AND
ENTERING THE RACE FOR COLORADO'S REPUBLICAN-HELD SENATE SEAT.
BRAVO!
GOOD FOR YOU!
I LIKE THAT.
FINALLY, A MAN WILLING TO PUT ASIDE HIS EGO AND DO WHAT IS
GOOD FOR THE COUNTRY.
THAT GUY SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
AND THE NUMBERS BACK HIM UP.
ON SUNDAY, "THE DENVER POST" PUBLISHED A POLL SAYING
HICKENLOOPER WOULD LEAD OTHER DEMOCRATS IN THE COLORADO SENATE
RACE BY 51 PERCENTAGE POINTS, WHICH SHOCKED HICKENLOOPER.
HE DID NOT KNOW POLL NUMBERS COULD HAVE TWO DIGITS.
( LAUGHTER )
INTO THIS.
AND HE'S TAKING THE IDEA OF DROPPING OUT SERIOUSLY.
IN FACT, LAST WEEKEND, HICKENLOOPER HOPPED INTO SENATOR
MICHAEL BENNET'S CAR TO DISCUSS HIS IMPENDING DECISION.
BENNET LISTENED TO HICKENLOOPER CAREFULFULLY, THEN THOUGHTFULLY
REPLIED, "WHO ARE YOU?" BUT OTHER DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES
--
THANK YOU.
OTHER DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES ARE STILL GOING STRONG, LIKE SOUTH
BEND MAYOR AND PHOTO ON THE INSIDE FLAP--
BEND MAYOR AND PHOTO ON THE INSIDE FLAP OF A SELF-PUBLISHED
POETRY BOOK, MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG.
MAYOR PETE WAS AT THE IOWA STATE FAIR YESTERDAY, AND HE SHOWED
THAT HE'S WILLING TO PUT HIS BODY ON THE LINE TO BE
PRESIDENT.
HERE HE IS DIVING INTO SOME FRIED OREOS.
>> YOU WANT SOME?
I MEAN, I'M NOT GOING TO EAT ALL SIX.
>> Stephen: WELL, THEN YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE PRESIDENT, PETE!
"I'M NOT GOING TO EAT ALL SIX."
OH, SOMEONE'S TOO GOOD FOR CARDIAC ARREST.
DON'T YOU KNOW GORGING YOURSELF IN PUBLIC IS HOW AMERICAN KNOWS
YOU'RE THE RIGHT CHOICE.
CHESTER A. ARTHUR GOT THE JOB BY WINNING A PIE-EATING CONTEST.
THEY DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER HOLDING AN ELECTION!
THEY JUST HOSED HIM OFF AND INAUGURATED HIM.
BUT, OF COURSE, IT WASN'T ALL FRIED FUN AND GAMES, BECAUSE
MAYOR PETE'S DAY TOOK A BIT OF A DARKER TURN WHEN HE TALKED TO
THIS VETERAN IOWA FAIR-GOER.
>> I SHOOK ROBERT KENNEDY'S HAND.
>> ALL RIGHT, SO YOU'RE GOOD LUCK?
>> NO!
IT WAS A MONTH BEFORE HE GOT SHOT!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: (AS OLD WOMAN) "I SHAKE EVERY CANDIDATE'S HAND
TO SEE IF IT WAS JUST ME!
THAT ANCIENT FORTUNE TELLER SAID ALL I TOUCH WOULD WITHER TO
DUST.
YOU ARE DOOMED!
YOU GOING TO FINISH THOSE FRIED OREOS?"
( LAUGHTER )
SENATOR AND SENTIENT DRYER LINT, BERNIE SANDERS.
( LAUGHTER )
CRITICAL OF CORPORATE AMERICA, ESPECIALLY AMAZON C.E.O. AND
SUPER-COOL PENIS, JEFF BEZOS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: WHOA!
>> Stephen: HEY, LADIES.
LOOK, BUT DON'T TOUCH.
AT A RECENT EVENT IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, BERNIE WENT AFTER
BEZOS AGAIN.
>> YOU KNOW, IF YOU LOOK AT "THE WASHINGTON POST"-- WHICH IS
OWNED BY THE WEALTHIEST GUY IN THIS COUNTRY, A GUY NAMED JEFF
BEZOS-- AMAZON MADE $10 BILLION IN PROFIT LAST YEAR.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY PAID IN TAXES?
YOU GOT IT!
ZERO!
ANY WONDER WHY "THE WASHINGTON POST" IS NOT ONE OF MY GREAT
SUPPORTERS?
I WONDER WHY.
>> Stephen: WAIT.
HE'S STEALING TRUMP'S THING.
(AS BERNIE) "YES, THE JEFF BEZOS "THE
WASHINGTON POST" IS-- AND I THINK I AM COINING THIS PHRASE--
FAKE NEWS!
SAD!
IT'S A WITCH HUNT!
A WITCH... HUNT!
GOD BLESS THE UNITED STUSH."
NOW, BERNIE WENT ON--
BERNIE WENT ON TO EXPLAIN WHY HE'S WORRIED ABOUT CORPORATE
MEDIA, SAYING "LARGE CORPORATIONS OWN THE MEDIA IN
AMERICA, BY AND LARGE, AND I THINK THERE IS A FRAMEWORK,
ABOUT HOW THE CORPORATE MEDIA FOCUSES ON POLITICS."
OKAY, BERNIE, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
I, STEPHEN COLBERT, WORK FOR A MAJOR CORPORATE MEDIA.
BUT I'M FREE FROM CORPORATE INFLUENCE AND CAN SAY WHATEVER I
WANT.
WHICH REMINDS ME: ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS MERGER OF VIACOM AND
CBS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PREMIUM CONTENT PORTFOLIO AND POSITION US TO SPAN ALL CONTENT
CATEGORIES AND DEMOGRAPHICS, CREATING ETERNAL VALUE FOR
SHAREHOLDERS!
VIACOM-CBS: STRONGER TOGETHER!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.