- My dad, I don't know he's got a very small penis.
- [Daniel] Does he?
- Yeah, I remember taking a shower, you know when you're
a kid taking a shower---
- And usually your dad's supposed to look huge
just based on the fact---
- No, no---
- Just based on the fact that you're small.
- Even as a five year old, I was like,
why do I have a bigger dick than you?
- Even though his father was there his dick still looked
far away.
- Oh that's so sad to know about your dad.
Was it weird?
- Yeah it's bad. Well, me and Yannis,
Yannis Pappas is one of my best friends
we have our podcast History Hyenas,
and we bond over that,
like his dad has a little dick too.
- [Nikki] Oh my God.
- It's like something that we both know
it's like wow,
why do our dads have such small dicks?
- My dads fucking hung like a horse.
- [Nikki] Really?
- And that is hereditary.
- Yeah, goddamn
- Bang
- [Nikki] Oh my god.
- I don't even want to think about my dads--
- My mom has big nipples and I got them
- I did find out on my show
- Yeah I got my moms nips
- No way.
- You got your moms dick as well by the size of it.
- Yeah I did.
It's pretty cool.
- Good for you man.
- It's adorable.
(upbeat rock and roll)
- And we're back it's You Up with Nikki Glaser.
Full studio right now,
we've got Chris Distefano
- Mhmm, what up girl?
- [Nikki] What up?
- I would get you foot inserts for Valentines Day,
that's what I would get you.
- That's so nice!
- [Chris] Or I would get you like a treatment for
you pronation, because that's what you said
you suffered from, right?
- Not anymore though.
It would get---
- I just want to touch your feet.
I'm just trying to say it publicly,
in not a creepy way, I would just like to touch
your feet for Valentines Day.
- No you don't!
- No, I do
- [ Nikki] I've got some gnarly feet
- Girl, you haven't seen anything until
you see my puppies.
- [Nikki] Really? Really? Oh let's have a foot off.
- Oh, it's disgusting.
Like Golem from Lord of the Rings
- Mine are so gross.
I would never take out my foot.
I would rather get, like my feet right now
are so gross I should have gotten a pedicure
yesterday
- But like when you,
- [Nikki] because I would love to bring them out.
I know that's how you feel,
but like when you popped them out on your Comedy
Central show, I pressed pause.
- [Nikki] (laughs)
- [Chris] I did!
- Dude! That was the grossest picture ever!
- I didn't think so.
- Oh my god, you like me for me.
- You know what I think it is?
Because I think it depends on like,
what was like forming in your brain as whatever--
- Yeah, something happened with feet.
- My mom and my aunts feet are like,
hideously disgusting.
- So, you like a mom foot.
- Yeah, I don't mind it.
- I keep saying that.
Well, let me just intro the rest of the room.
Andrew Collin is here,
don't forget it puddle boy, and then we have Daniel
Sloss in studio, comedian Daniel Sloss,
I'm excited to have you here,
I've watched all your Conans,
I'm well aware of you from that.
You've a two hour special out now on Netflix,
two separate hours in one batch,
- [Daniel] Yeah.
- On Netflix currently called, Dark and Jigsaw
- Yeah.
- [Nikki] So, one's called Dark,
one's called Jigsaw.
- [Daniel] Yeah.
- What's difference between these two?
- One's about my dead sister,
and one's about ended at 75 marriages.
- [Chris] Hilarious.
- Wait, one's what?
- One is about my dead sister,
and the other one it has ended 75 marriages,
and 20,000 relationships.
- Wait, what do you mean?
- The show has caused 20,000 breakups,
and I'm being cited in 75 separate divorce papers.
- What?!
- [Chris] Oh Shit!
- Wait! What? How? That's awesome!
- [Chris] That's awesome!
- Wait, okay can you, (fumbles) That's crazy. Why?
Can you give me a short answer?
- Yeah, it's my opinions on love,
and my opinions on love are correct.
- Oh my god,
let's get into it.
What are your opinions on love?
- I think we have romanticized the idea of romance,
and I think it's cancerous,
I think people are so desperate
to get into relationships
that they're willing to settle for just something,
because we'd rather have something than nothing,
and when you're raised in a world of Disney princesses
and princes you sit there and go,
If I'm not in a relationship
I'm a broken human being,
and I hate people in relationships
that brag about their relationships as if they're
more secure than I am in themselves when they're
- Good
- Not because you never learned how to love yourself,
so you employed someone else to do it for you.
- Fuck yeah dude!
- Yes!
- [Chris] I love it.
First of all, number one I feel like your Scotish
me.
- Yeah.
- I feel like you and I,
you're from Scotland right?
- I'm not into feet though.
- You're not into feet?
- No
- Well, no but when I
- I mean, I'll suck a to I'm not like a---
- Yeah, but you didn't have a weird childhood
foot thing happen.
- No.
- Everyone wants their mom.
Do you agree on that?
That's my theory is that when a guy rejects you,
my friends always go,
you know like he said he didn't
want to be in a relationship,
and now he's dating this girl,
and she's not even as cute as me,
she's not as funny,
and I go, yeah because he's looking for his mom,
and she's like, but she's not funny or cute,
and I'm like neither is his mom.
His mom is not funny or cute,
and he finally found her don't you think there's
some truth to that?
- Sure, I'll only like a girl if she'll fuck my dad.
(laughter)
- That's awesome.
- So, nothing like your mom.
(laughter)
- Yeah, I had a kid,
like with a women that I barley knew like,
second, third date in got pregnant we had a child,
and before I had that,
I was like the opposite of what you just said.
I was like, oh I want a wife,
and I want this,
but now that I have a child I kind of understand
what like the real love towards her is.
I'm with you where I'm like,
I feel like some of my closest friends,
I knew when one of my friends was getting married
I'm like you're just doing this because you think
you have to do this because everyone in
the neighborhood is getting married,
and I'm like, and I wouldn't say this to her,
I'm like this isn't going to work in my head,
you're just trying to follow some trend right now,
you don't really love this guy.
- Yeah.
- I just went and had fun at the wedding,
and now they're divorced.
So, I'm like, you see,
I knew that this was going to happen.
It wasn't real none of it was real,
you're just,
you're just a follower.
- We do it emulate the rest of society,
and when the rest of society is in a relationship,
and that's the pressure that the rest of the world
puts on you.
Nobody talks about how shit their relationship
actually is.
- Yeah.
- Because we live in the Instagram generation of,
Me and this one going for coffee,
climbing a goddamn fucking hill together.
You're like, oh my god Sarah loves John,
and John's a dick.
So, therefore, it must be worth it to stay
in this relationship with this terrible
fucking human being,
and then you just end up banging someone,
and they make you cum,
and you're like fucking this will do.
- Yep.
- [Daniel] This is me forever.
- Because marriage it's kind of like
an archaic principle anyway.
You only used to know the people in your village
when marriage was a thing,
it was a business decision.
- And also, all of our grandfathers were stalkers.
Every single one of our grand fathers every story is always:
So, your gran didn't like me at first,
and then I wore her down,
you're like, gee she's not a fucking horse,
what are you talking about?
- Yeah. I agree man.
- [Nikki] It is, but there,
okay I've always been on like this,
marriage is an archaic thing,
and I don't need it,
and it's bound to fail,
you change too much to be with someone forever,
but then I do see marriages where it looks like,
there are some good ones,
but they're few and far between.
- Yeah, yeah, I'm not against relationships,
and I'm not against true love,
what I am against is people getting into
fucking relationships because they feel they have to.
Like I do believe, I want to get married,
and I want to have kids,
I know that for a fact.
But, I'm not gonna fucking jam the first person
that walks into my goddamn life into that place.
I'm not going to force it to happen,
and I believe that 90% of relationships are
- [Chris] I agree
- People that force these things to happen,
and that's why the divorce rate is so high,
and I know it's true because my show,
when I say this opinion,
has caused 20,000 fucking breakups.
I know I'm right.
- Great.
- What do you think the secret is to a good marriage though?
- Love yourself--
- You love yourself, that is essential.
- Yeah because otherwise if you don't love yourself,
you're going to employ someone else to fucking do it
for you.
- Or you're going to pick someone who doesn't really
love you either because if you don't love yourself
you can't love someone who actually loves you
because you're gonna be like,
you have bad taste.
You're not going to really trust them.
- Yeah, you don't respect them.
Just like how could you possibly fuck me on a regular basis?
- Yeah, you have to love yourself, (fumbles),
yeah, I don't know.
- Also, I think curiosity man.
I think when you're in your twenties,
shag fucking everything, right?
Curiosity is the number one cause of divorce.
I reckon, you sit there, people get married too young,
and then they get to 28 or 30,
and they go fuck,
What if I was single?
I reckon I'd get so much pussy or dick,
and you wouldn't,
but you don't know that because you've got
married when you were fucking 19.
- And I think it happens naturally because 20s,
even like early 30s, I was like that,
Just, whatever I just wanna get with girls,
I wanna have sex, sex, sex, whatever.
But now I'm 34, now I'm like I don't want to just
keep hooking up with women,
because I don't want to get mono.
I just don't want to get sick.
- I'm sorry, your biggest, the STD you're most scared of
is the fucking kissing disease.
- Mononucleosis. Absolutley
- [Nikki] He just makes-out.
- [Andrew] And athlete's foot, he hates athlete's foot.
- [Daniel] You don't get mono if you eat ass,
that's the secret.
- Hey, I don't know about that,
you could it depends.
- Jigsaw though, is the one that people have cited in their
divorce papers.
- Yeah I've got somebody come into my show
in New York next week,
and she's bringing her divorce papers
because I want to get photos of it
because people genuinely question,
are you making these up.
- That's dope.
- And I'm like no, no, no.
This is all true.
- I feel like, I've had couples like breakup---
oh, you know what?
Couples bang after my shows.
There's a lot of anal that's been happening from
my comedy, and like banging,
but I also think I make people look at their
significant other,
and kinda go, what's going-- it's nice raise those---
- You know what's interesting?
There was a girl who went to your show last night,
I guess you did the Cellar last night, you did?
- [Nikki] Yeah.
- She DM'd me at like 2am she's like,
just saw Nikki's show are you up? So...
- What?
- Yeah so she was just like you know?
- She was horned up.
- [Chris] So you made somebody horny, yeah.
- Dude, I swear to God I make people horny,
and it's not my intention,
but if you're talking about sex,
and I'm telling guys like what to do,
and so I think they want to go home and like do it.
- [Chris] Yes.
- [Daniel] Yeah, yeah, it's like the life lesson
they go, I'm gonna go home,
and take this new knowledge that I've gathered,
and absolutely take it home--
- It's pretty much a TED talk at this point in my act,
and I don't care, it's like I do it in a funny way,
but like people are learning stuff,
and it sounds like people are learning stuff from this.
- Absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
and also there's other things as well,
there's I talk about shaving your ass in my show.
Not a lot of people know.
- Oh right, wait what, you're for it?
- For it, yeah, absolutely.
Like nobody wants to look at a hairy ass hole.
- [Nikki] It's the easiest thing to shave dude.
- I've never, I've never done anything with the ass,
I've never received any ass stuff or given any
ass stuff to the woman.
- Man, get a digit up the shit, it's fucking the best.
- I gotta do it?
Yeah alright, I'm in.
- It does, like, it does feel pretty great.
- I just don't have a good asshole for it.
- [Chris] I just feel like it's a nightmare.
- [Daniel] It's self care.
- No, I know--
- No, he has, he has a lot of ass issues.
- [Daniel] I will shave your fucking asshole.
Nothing gay about it.
I absolutely will. I'll be graceful.
But like with a close shave razor,
like the Turkish barber sort of thing.
- [Andrew] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a bowling ball?
- [Nikki] If women, I would love to grow out the front,
and have nothing in back,
because the back it doesn't even hurt to remove like,
that part of getting your---
- Like the opposite of a mullet kind of
- Vagina waxed is the best part
- You know when you get in,
and you get a complete waxing Jen?
- [Jen] Yes.
- Okay, the front part hurts so much, it's the,
- [Jen] Yeah
- It's the, I mean I've stopped doing it because it's like,
I'm subjecting myself to the worst pain imaginable,
and I get stressed before,
and after, and I hate it,
but the best part is when she's like,
can you bend over and I'm like,
Oh yeah! Let's get back there. It's like,
you don't even feel it at that point.
For some reason it's much more enjoyable an
experience back there,
- [Jen] Yes.
- Than the front.
- And how long does the Brazilian last? What are you---
- How long is a piece of string?
- A week and a half before it's
- A week and half though you're doing this pain
for a week and a half.
- I personally like a bush.
Personally I don't mind hair--
- A full bush?
- I don't know, I've just never thought one---
like once I'm in the mode sexually I just don't care--
- Exactly.
(chatter)
- [Daniel] I don't want a mustache.
- You want a buffer.
- [Daniel] I'm just not used to facial hair.
- I get not like, like it would be preferable
if we were all had no hair because hair is like,
it's not ideal,
but like...
- What's the point of pubic hair, I guess there's---
- It keeps, insects,
so if you feel the bugs getting in,
and warm
- [Andrew] Warm, warmth
- But, why's it not on the rest of my dick then?
That makes no sense,
like my bellend's not fucking hairy.
- [Nikki] That's a good point.
- [Andrew] Speak for yourself.
- Is that why you all get circumcised over here?
- Oh yeah, yeah that's a... It looks a little cuter.
- Oh yeah.
- You look like you have a cute piece.
- It's very cute. That's exactly how I would describe
my dick. It's adorable.
- Yeah so when they say, aww it's like a Disney character,
it's got like---
- It's a good look it's just not (mumbles)
- Yeah, put googly eyes on it occasionally.
- [Nikki] It's not what?
- It's not filling really.
(laughter)
I'm not a grower or a shower really so,
- No, I would say you have a nice, average size, good
piece.
- Thank you, I appreciate that.
- Nothing wild about it. Is it me? I'm just about
six-seven, it's just fine.
- Six-seven?
- It's just fine.
- [Chris] Maybe, maybe six, I don't know
- Between six and seven is a very big difference.
- You know what my cross to bare is?
So, I have an over active Cowper's gland.
- [Nikki] Yeah
- It makes sperm, so like, I---
- Have huge loads?
- I have huge loads,
but it takes a while to rejuvenate so,
my doctor once told me,
I'm a perfect guy if a woman wants to have children
because I have a lot of sperm per load.
But if they're just looking to have--
- Are you like filling her up like a fucking
cream pudding?
Just coming out of her eyes like that bit in Wolverine.
- But like in your situation with like the Texas
lesbians, I'm not the right guy because
I can't have, like if I have sex once,
I can't have sex now again for a few days.
- Wow
- But, if you're looking to have a baby,
I can get you pregnant every shot.
- [Nikki] Right
- [Andrew] Wait, you can't cum more than once
every couple days?
- [Daniel] It's a numbers game.
- Well, I can, but it (fumbles),
I certainly can't have sex twice in a day.
But I really never could.
- [Andrew] This guy came twice on a plane in a hour.
- I know
- [Chris] I know.
- [Daniel] It's the sequel to Snakes on a Plane
- Maybe you can't have kids.
- But, that's my cross to bare with shit.
- It's that you need a couple days buffer
before you're ready
to give a good load.
- If you want a kid though,
I'm your guy.
- Every couple days if you want a kid.
- Every couple days, if you want a kid,
we can try this because it's so much sperm per load.
But, it takes a while---
- I love that this is a selling point,
but who wants that.
(chatter)
- Would you do that for a lesbian couple?
- Sure.
- Because I think that you would be a---
you're offering this right now, on the show.
- No, I donated sperm when I was twenty---
- Seven cups.
- Twenty seven, yeah,
but I signed papers to never know,
I didn't want to know anything so,
I could have a child.
I possibly do.
- Whoa!
- [Daniel] By the sounds of things,
you've got thousands.
- Well, yeah I was told by the people at the clinic,
that, It's up to me---
- Please stop this is too much.
- No, they tell you like,
where they think your sperm
- We're gonna need a bigger boat!
(laughter)
- And they were saying because of---
- [Andrew] Get the bowl!
- Yeah because of how much, yeah, absolutely,
I probably got used.
- [Nikki] You definitely got used!
- [Andrew] When you jerked off when you--
- Is there like a picture of you?
- There's a picture of me,
and a level of education---
- Yeah, yeah, yeah you got used.
- [Chris] Those were the things.
- [Andrew] Oh wow.
- Yeah, so they were like, this is prob... most likely--
- You have kids out there--
- Probably
- [Nikki] (screams)
That's crazy!
- Probably I do.
- [Andrew] More kids.
- More kids, more kids, yeah.
- You'll be on Maury soon.
- Absolutely.
- [Andrew] Yeah
- But they can't ever contact me, they have no way,
of well---
- [Daniel] They'll know when they see you
how fucking huge their loads are,
and when they have their first wank,
and they're like oh my god he's my father---
- What if they take a picture of you,
- I know.
- What if they took a picture of you,
and then they see you on T.V,
and they go that's the guy who's load they chose.
- They might if they reach out, they reach out.
I wouldn't mind, but at the time.
- [Nikki] Yeah, but you're not gonna
- Yeah I mean at the time it was just like,
you know I'm just doing this because
- Did you notice as a kid when you like,
jerked off early on that you had and insane amount of cum?
- Well, I just,---
- Compared to your friends---
- Yeah
- That you were jerking off next...
I mean, like, what are you comparing it to?
- Yeah it's definitely a lot.
- [Nikki] It is just what you have.
You just think it's normal probably.
- Yeah I just didn't know,
but it is, it is,
but I noticed after having sexual encounters with
girls would be like how much fucking cum do you have dude?
Like, it was so much.
I was like, I don't know what it's supposed to be.
- The girl afterwards is just like,
I think I put on weight.
- [Chris] I just thought it was supposed to be,
it was so white, and I was just like,
I don't know I thought that this is what it was.
- Wow. What have people been learning from your special?
Your special just came out a couple weeks ago so,
Size 38 Waist, what's the feedback you're getting,
what are people taking from that?
- You know what the feedback actually has been?
Which I'm actually happy about,
is a lot of people have been saying similar things,
like hey I'm happy there's a comic
like nowadays that's like,
taking a chance in the sense of like,
saying words that you really
shouldn't say,
like in my special I say my dad calls me a homo
for eating blueberry yogurt,
and their like, I'm happy that you said that,
and like gay people too have been like,
you're not censoring your words,
and you're saying what it is
- Well, you're being honest
- We like that you're being somewhat honest.
- What do you mean somewhat?
- Well, no, I mean, you know...
- Everything's exaggerated for humor.
- He never said homo
(laughs)
- My dad? No my dad does---
- We all know what he actually said
- Oh yeah exactly.He used the other word that,---
- Faghips, that's what he said.
- Yeah, yeah, so,
that has been the overwhelming
- Sure
- And a lot of people have been saying,
I feel like you're just having a conversation with me.
Which, I like.
Because I'm not the comedian who's like,
oh here's my joke, here's my joke.
I like it when people like,
oh you were just being funny for an hour,
as opposed to: here's my next joke,
here's my next joke.
So, the feedback that I wanted is what I've been getting.
- That's great.
- And so far, nobody has shit on it too hard.
- Then that means it's good.
- Yeah, yeah
- Noa watched it, right?
- [Off Camera] Yeah!
- Loved it.
- [Noa] Loved it.
- [Chris] Thanks!
- [Nikki] She was like, yeah she really loved it.
- That was my Bay Ridge girl.
- She's being modest right now,
but you like.
- [Chris] Enjoyed it.
- Yeah, no, it was awesome.
I watched it a couple of times
- You watched it a couple of times?
Girl.
You spaced it out over a couple of days right?
(laughter)
- Yeah.
- You didn't want to get pregnant watching
- I did get pregnant.
I took a pill though, sorry Chris.
- Hey,
- With the size of his loads you need like seven pills.
- The pill was Daniel's special.
(laughter)
(upbeat rock)