-Wow. Thank you guys so much.
I'm so excited to be in New York City.
[ Cheers and applause ] This is amazing.
So great to be here.
I actually just got back from my high school reunion.
[ Light laughter ]
Yeah, they asked if I wanted to perform at it.
I was like, "I would rather strip at my family reunion...
[ Laughter ]
...than tell jokes to the girl who, during class,
pierced her own belly button with a stapler."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, grew up in a real meth-y area.
[ Light laughter ]
My high school crush showed up with a marijuana leaf
tattooed on his face.
[ Light laughter ]
I was still in denial.
I was like, "Well, someone's not afraid of commitment."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I come from some weird DNA.
My parents met playing in a professional
foosball tournament.
[ Laughter ]
So if you're embarrassed you met your spouse on Tinder,
could be worse.
[ Laughter ]
Like, I literally wouldn't exist if it weren't for foosball.
[ Light laughter ]
Which is sad.
But some of you wouldn't exist if weren't for boxed wine,
so it's like yeah, whatever.
[ Laughter ]
Gets weirder -- Not only is my dad
a pro foosball player, he's also a slam poetry champion.
[ Light laughter ]
And an international yo-yo man.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, my dad has the sex appeal of a fanny pack.
[ Laughter ]
I'm lucky, though, 'cause most parents are disappointed
if their kid becomes a comedian.
But my circus-y parents are like, "Wow, you did a show
and they paid you $12?
[ Laughter and applause ]
You're like a lawyer."
[ Laughter ]
Didn't pass the bar.
You guys just set the bar very low.
[ Light laughter ]
We're a nerdy family.
Like, I have the deadly peanut allergy, but some people
just think I'm on a diet 'cause last week I turned down
a peanut butter cookie and the woman said,
"Oh, come on, live a little."
[ Laughter ]
I was like, "I'm actually trying to live a lot."
[ Laughter ]
Not counting calories.
Just dodging death.
[ Laughter ]
I have so many allergies.
I'm allergic to latex.
Found that one out in a fun way.
[ Laughter ]
[ Audience ohs ]
My biggest fear is a peanut butter
and condom sandwich.
[ Laughter ]
And it's scary because I'm actually allergic
to most allergy medicines.
Yeah.
It's like Charles Darwin just waving, "Bye, girl.
[ Laughter ]
You ain't making it."
[ Light laughter ]
I'm like the millennial mascot.
All millennials' immune systems look like
the Charlie Brown Christmas tree.
[ Light laughter ]
All fragile and exposed.
Older generations aren't scared of things like gluten.
Old people are made of toast.
[ Laughter ]
My mom just told me that when she was pregnant with me,
she only ate instant mashed potatoes,
Skittles, and doughnuts.
[ Light laughter ]
I was like, "Oh, that's why I'm broken."
[ Laughter ]
I got coffee with a friend recently and she told me
that she's trying to be a better person.
I was like, "Oh, that's nice. What have you been doing?"
She goes, "Well, I'm taking less selfies."
[ Laughter ]
Oh, take it easy, Mother Theresa.
[ Light laughter ]
Save some of the Lord's work for the rest of us.
[ Light laughter ]
Everyone says we're so self-absorbed now
with our selfies, but I think we were way worse before then,
'cause at one point, we were all in school
and we all had school picture day.
And then we ordered physical copies of photos of ourselves,
and gave them to people.
[ Laughter ]
Like, narcissistic sociopaths.
[ Light laughter ]
Can you imagine doing that now as an adult?
Just going up to a coworker unprompted like --
[ Light laughter ]
"I signed it."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you guys so much.
[ Music plays ]
-Oh, my goodness.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Kelsey Cook, everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]
For more on Kelsey, visit kelseycook.com.