I'll admit it.
It took a while, but one evening,
I finally realized something was not right.
To say it out loud, was a big step forward, and...
That must've been when I started to wonder... Should I do something about it?
No, wait. Let's back up.
What was wrong with me? So many negative emotions, boiling all at once.
No satisfaction, constant self-blame,
feeling powerless, useless, low self-esteem,
feeling down, irritated and sometimes the opposite - overwhelming apathy.
It was as though my world became black and white.
And no matter how hard I tried, it never went away.
I felt as though...
I'd never be happy again, so nothing made sense anymore.
Me? Depressed?
Uh, I don't think so.
I was about to give up
and then I remembered how - for the last 6 months -
I've been spending every single day off in bed,
and would feel guilty about it afterwards,
which depressed me even more, turning into a viscous circle.
So I came to the conclusion...
that I might as well talk to someone about it.
But how? How do I do that when I can't find the right words?
When every attempt fails, because shame takes over?
And then it dawned on me - the internet.
There must be someone who had already described it better than I ever could.
So... Without saying much, I played a video about depression,
one that I accidentally stumbled upon.
These must've been the longest three minutes of my life.
But then... I finally let go.
I knew that I could move on and tell everyone about it. My parents, other friends, university counselor...
That thing I held hidden deep down inside for a very long time,
was finally freed. And I found the right words.
In that moment I knew, I wasn't completely alone.
Ok, so what's next?
I won't win without help.
I know, because I've already tried.
So I asked my mom to get me an appointment with a psychiatrist,
because I was too nervous to do it myself.
But it soon turned out that any fear I felt was unnecessary.
I got a diagnosis, I got a prescription...
And then, doubt came creeping in again.
What if all those stories about happy pills are true?
They make you feel worse, have a million side-effects,
oh and by the way - pills are for wimps.
If you're strong enough, you'll deal with this on your own...
But I decided to trust the doctor.
And even though I still had my doubts throughout the first few days, I began to wonder:
how are mental disorders any different from other health issues?
Shouldn't depression be treated as though it's just another illness?
I mean... When you've got the flu,
no one tells you to "go for a run".
When you're diabetic and get injections,
no one asks you whether "you're not scared that the drugs will change you,
and wouldn't you prefer to deal with this on your own".
When you're in bed with a broken leg, no one tells you that
"if you change your mindset, your bones will magically heal".
Well, anyway... I kept taking pills the way my doctor told me to
and a positive change came incredibly fast.
Only then did I realize how incredibly unwell I felt just a month ago...
I used to cry a lot and laugh a bit. Now...
I laugh a lot and cry a bit.
And I want more.
That improvement obviously got me excited and ready to fight on.
I began to wonder - what else could I do to feel better?
And that's how I ended up in therapy.
I think therapy is a little bit like dating.
For some people, it's love at first sight.
Some people have to meet a bunch of different people to find the one.
But it finally worked! And after a few sessions, I realized...
I stopped crying for no reason.
And then I knew I was headed in the right direction.
But my life isn't perfect just yet.
When I seem to be reaching the finish line,
depression creeps back in.
But I know how to fight back.
It's a simple scheme, but it's incredibly important to play by the rules.
No matter what.
I exercise. I get enough sleep.
I avoid drugs, because they tend to get me in a bad mood.
I revived my old hobby.
I eat healthy.
(well, maybe with a few exceptions).
I go out with friends and stay in touch with my family.
I never skip my classes.
I don't allow myself to fully detach from the world,
because I know where that spiral ends.
I surround myself with everything I love.
And sometimes...
I just let it slide.
And even though some days are still a bit hard,
I don't hear that voice that used to blame me for everything, not anymore.
Okay, I might not be living up to my full potential today, but I got up,
took a shower and left the house, even though those simple tasks were incredibly hard,
and the bed kept looking at me, expecting me to give up.
When I look back on everything that happened, I realize
that life needs time. And you'll need to work on yourself.
Sometimes, you simply need to make your own luck.
And please remember, YOU are worth the fight, because
one day...
that overwhelming hopelessness that you thought would last forever, will...
disappear.
The FEELING that I couldn't even begin to imagine,
was finally here.
I still remember it vividly.
You get up in the morning.
Awoke to a day of brilliant sunshine.
As though you're in a movie.
You feel something has changed, but you can't quite put your finger on it.
You come up to the window. See the trees, the sky, the snow.
Everything's crystal clear.
You make yourself a cup of coffee.
It's been a long time since you enjoyed its smell and taste.
You go outside.
Frosty air and warm rays of sunshine hit your skin.
A world that felt completely gray up until now
is suddenly bursting with life and colour.
You can hear the leaves rustling, birds singing, cars humming somewhere on the highway.
All these little, insignificant details.
All the senses that have been asleep are now going at full speed.
You don't know when that happened.
You don't know how.
But it doesn't really matter, because the world takes over and the only thing you desire
is for this state of ecstasy to never end.
A thought crosses your mind:
Oh, okay, so that's what people experience everyday?
That's how the world feels when you choose life over depression?
I'm pretty sure that... Yeah.
I could DEFINITELY get used to that.
*This video is a public awareness campaign for the Polish Ministry of Health*