- [Nicole] Welcome back to The F Word,
a series about adopting a kid from foster care.
After Z, we asked Sharon if we could take a short break
and the world around us started changing
in ways we could have never expected.
We were living in a new political climate.
Rights that we'd started taking for granted
as a queer couple were suddenly at risk again.
- A new bill is making its way through
the South Dakota legislature and--
- [Nicole] Also, South Dakota just passed a law
that discriminates against LGBTQ people who wanna adopt.
There's still no kid in the picture
and we're beginning to wonder
what all these changes will mean for us.
- [Kristan] On a positive note,
we'd recently become friends with a woman
who's fostering the two most adorable girls in the universe.
- [Nicole] Yeah, they're so cute.
Two little girls ages three and five.
- Spending time with them,
we saw how much it meant for them
to have each other through such a huge transition.
We keep seeing so many siblings out there
and I'm like much more open to it seeing...
- [Nicole] Tracy's kids.
- Yeah, they're so cute.
- I know and it's so beautiful to see
they'll always have that bond no matter,
you know, where they live.
I look at their mom doing it alone
and I think she's a rockstar.
- Seriously.
- It almost makes me feel like,
why are we just looking at one kid, yeah.
One to one ratio, we could do siblings.
- Well, we're looking for one kid
because we live in a tiny apartment.
- I know, well then I remember
that we live in a tiny apartment.
Then it all comes flooding back.
I don't know that we can afford two kids.
We have barely figured out how to make it work for one.
- [Kristan] Yeah, that's a real thing.
How do you feel about trying concurrent planning?
- I still have mixed feelings about concurrent planning.
I do, I just,
I fear what everybody fears who signs up for this thing.
That you bond with the kid
and then it doesn't work out.
And you can be intellectually so onboard
with this idea of reunification, but then emotionally--
- You can't hold back how you love or how much you love
or how much love you're gonna give somebody
because you're afraid that they might not always be there.
- It's that idea of living in the limbo that's hard.
- I'm just excited to be a parent.
- Even if you don't get to be with that kid forever?
- You didn't know you were gonna marry
me on the second date.
- I didn't marry you on the second date.
- [Kristan] That's my point.
- Yeah, no, I think it's a beautiful way of looking at it.
I don't know how you do it though, to be honest.
I think you're just a stronger person than I am.
- Maybe just more of a romantic.
So siblings?
Maybe.
Concurrent planning?
Maybe.
We got some hard maybes.
Get that Sharon on the phone!
- [Nicole] We went to Sharon's office
to look at her latest folder of sibling profiles.
We didn't even bother to bring the camera this time.
I guess we were really starting to feel cynical.
But we actually came across a profile
that really clicked for us.
It's two girls, a six-year-old and her two-year-old sister.
We asked Sharon to send our profile
and set up a disclosure meeting
so we could find out more about these girls.
Then we started talking about what it would mean
to adopt two girls of color as white people.
I first became interested in trans-racial adoption
while making a documentary on the subject
called Off and Running.
- I sent the letter to my birth parents.
At the second I put the letter in the mailbox, I panicked.
- [Nicole] I grew close to Avery
as we made this film together
and it made me look critically
at the challenges a young person of color faces
growing up in a white household.
- I grew up in African-American communities my whole life.
My father's a shade lighter than Kenyan is.
But having children, what was surprising for me
was like when Kenyan would walk
on the playground as a toddler,
people would kinda go, they would be like .
I mean they would have visceral response.
It was particularly in predominantly white situations.
We've talked to our children about interactions with police
since they were seven or eight years old
because it is really about survival.
And when you look at the number of African-American men
in particular who have been killed,
it is really different than if you have a white child.
- Being a trans-racial family,
being forced to confront those issues
on such a personal level has opened my world up.
- I just encourage you to ask for help.
It's hard for me to ask for help, you know what I mean?
And so it, I had to really reach out to some people.
- [Woman] Yeah, we've been reaching out
to a lot of our black male friends
and I do think that if you're gonna be
in a trans-racial family,
it's really important
to have a very diverse life.
- Yes, yes.
You're trying to control my head now?
- [Nicole] As white people, we haven't experienced racism.
So we feel like there are ways
that we just aren't equipped to raise children of color.
We know we'll love them unconditionally,
but in a racist society we just don't think that's enough.
- We know we're gonna screw this up sometimes,
but us working on this will matter for our kids.
So siblings.
Two girls!
- Yeah, twice as many than we planned for.
- But ultimately we decided that a loving home
was more important than tons of space.
So, we're just gonna tighten up our belts
and make this happen.
- Yeah, and it has been such a rollercoaster getting here.
I mean, we started out with the baby, right?
The little boy with medical issues
who we ultimately weren't picked for anyway.
- [Kristan] And then there was Z,
the four-year-old that was gonna move in
with us by the end of the week,
but that fell through too.
- Right, and now we're just waiting to hear from Sharon
about a disclosure meeting for these girls.
- [Kristan] Hi honey, Sharon just called.
And the bad news is the girls
have already been placed with another family.
But there's some good news.
There's a baby at a hospital 10 blocks away from us.
He kind of had a rough start,
so he's been there for two months.
It's concurrent planning so it's risky
and I know you have feelings about that,
so call me back...
Soon.
She needs an answer by tonight.
'Kay, love you, bye.
We have all of these little things ready to bring with us.
This cool little whale toy.
And then you squeeze the tail.
- [Nicole] Those are my socks, I have matching socks.
- I know!
Do you have a matching onesie to this?
- I can get one.
- I could get you one.
- This is cool too.
This is like a swaddle.
- And apparently like a lot of babies
that have been through trauma, they like that.
Like they want that tight.
- [Nicole] Yeah.
- Hold.
Okay.
- [Social Worker] Welcome, welcome.
- [Kristan] Shall we sit at the table or?
Yeah, let's do that.
- [Social Worker] Water, tea, anything?
No, okay.
- [Kristan] Hon, do you have a pen?
Okay, all set.
Do you all mind if I record?
- [Social Worker] Technically you are not allowed to
because it's confidential information
and you're not the adoptive parents yet.
- What else? - I think that's...
- That might be it. - The end of our questions.
- [Nicole] You've covered medically,
you've covered legally what's going on, you've covered...
- [Social Worker] Should we go?
- [Kristan] Yeah, let's do it.
- [Social Worker] I will call Ruth on our way over.
She will come down and get us.
- We probably shouldn't keep them waiting.
- We shouldn't keep them waiting.
- You gonna be okay to drive?
Want me to drive? - Yeah, I'll be okay.
- Okay, it's only like a few blocks away.
- [Kristan] Do you want a shot of my coffee?
- [Nicole] I don't think we'll make it.
Can we keep it together to get to the hospital?
That is the question.
Okay.
Gonna meet this baby.
Explain where we are, baby.
- So, we're on the
second floor of Oakland Children's Hospital,
the neonatal unit
waiting to meet Baby Boy.
They only let you in two people at a time
and our social worker
and Baby Boy's social worker just went in.
So we're waiting for our turn to meet him.
- [Nicole] How are you feeling, baby?
- So incredibly excited.
- [Nicole] I love you so much.
- I love you.
- [Cath] Hello?
- [Kristan] Hi.
- [Cath] Hi, are you out of school?
- I am out of school.
I took the day off because we have some exciting news.
- [Nicole] Hi, Mama Cath!
- [Cath] What?
- Well, we just wanted to let you know that it's a baby.