You guys can call me Cris. That's my nickname.
Nicknames are cool.
It's like your friends are saying,
"Hey, you have a crappy name.
Don't worry. We'll fix it for you."
Girls are very cute at giving each other nicknames.
They're very adorable, you know?
It's, like, "Hi. I'm Michelle."
"No, you're not. You're Mickey." (chuckles)
Guys are total dicks with each other, though.
You guys will give each other nicknames to things that suck
about that guy, you know?
"Hey, my name's Michael."
"What's up, Sweat Stains? Aah!
"Come on, hang out with me and my buddies,
"Diabetes and Long Balls.
What's up, man?"
I like having a name like Cristela, though,
'cause you always know when you're talking about me
'cause it's different, you know?
I feel bad for people that have
really common names like "Jennifer."
Jennifer is a great name,
but I know, like, 12 of them, you know?
When you have a name like Jennifer,
you got to take care of yourself.
'Cause people are gonna start using words to describe you.
You want the good words like "pretty, funny, smart."
You don't want the bad words like, "Hey, you know Jennifer?"
"Which one?"
"Mustache Jennifer.
She's Fat Tina's little sister."
Like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're good people, good people."
I'm excited to be here.
I hope you guys believe me. I mean it.
You can always tell when I'm lying
because I don't lie very well.
Like, it... it always comes up with, like, friend intros.
You can always tell how much I like you
by the way I introduce you to friends.
The more I like you, the better intro I give you, you know?
Like, "This John. John's a lawyer. Good-looking.
"Oh! (laughs)
"I love this guy!
"Oh, my God, I would take a bullet for you!
"And, John, this is Mary.
She's a whore."
I don't know if you have this,
but I have this one friend on Facebook that does nothing
but talk about how many haters she's got.
It's all she does all day long. It's always the same thing:
"Haters gonna hate. Whatever. Mmm.
"I don't know why I got haters. Haters gonna hate.
Whatever. Mmm."
I always want to be, like, "Well, maybe you're a bitch."
Like, think about it.
People only talk bad about bad people, you know.
People never get together
and talk bad about someone good, you know?
It's like, "You know why I hate Teresa?
"That bitch is always volunteering
"for Special Olympics.
"She's always feeding the homeless.
Who the hell does she think she is?"
You ever notice that when you hate someone,
everything they do just pisses you off?
"Look at that bitch eating chicken.
Why you eating chicken, bitch?"
I like your hoodie.
Have you ever noticed that girls love getting compliments
on what we're wearing?
It's not that we think we look good.
We just want to tell you how much that thing cost, you know?
"Hey, I like your dress."
"Eight dollars."
Then it becomes a competition
to see who spent less money, you know?
"Hey, I like your jeans."
"Two bucks. Goodwill. Mmm."
"Hey, I like your shirt."
"Ah, screw it. I found it on the street.
I win, bitch! Aah!"
I almost didn't make it here tonight.
I was at my room watching
my favorite show,
I love the show.
Because I love when bad things happen to bad people.
Oh, my God.
If you guys think your life sucks, watch this show.
You'll feel so much better about yourself
'cause these girls are so bitchy.
You just want to hate 'em, you know?
"Whatever. I'm pregnant. Blah.
Whatever. A baby's just like a puppy. Blah."
The moment they go into labor, they go, "Oh, my God!"
I'm, like... (laughs).
"It hurts, right?!
Oh, I hope you have twins."
Oh! (smacks lips)
I love it.
Fun fact:
When I was a kid, I used to think Rosetta Stone
was the name of a sassy black woman
that knew every language in the world.
"Parlez-vous français,
No y'all know French."
Rosetta.
So sassy.
By the way, standup is my part-time job.
My full-time job is being
the token ethnic friend to white people.
White people, oh, they love having that ethnic friend.
They get excited.
They talk about us like we're the new iPad, you know?
"Have you gotten one yet? (laughs)
"Oh, man, you need an upgrade. I got rid of the Eskimo.
This bitch is Mexican."
I do shows all over the country, and there's parts
where, like, there's no Latinos everywhere, you know?
So it's in these areas where people come up to me
after the shows and they want to introduce me
to the other ethnic friend they have, you know?
I was doing a show in Nebraska.
This woman comes up to me, and she's like, "Hey, hi. Mmm.
"Um, so I was wondering
if you wanted to meet my Spanish friend."
Like...
"Okay. Did they come to the show?"
"No, I just thought that you might know each other."
You can't even get mad at them 'cause it's not their fault
they're totally ignorant, you know?
I was, like, "Look, woman,
"there's millions of us out there,
"and we don't all know each other, all right?
Thank you."
So I go and meet her friend...
and we know each other.
She went to school with my brother.
And I was, like, "Damn it, white woman, you were right.
We do all know each other."
Who knew?
I'm originally from Texas. I live in L.A. now. Um...