WELCOME!
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS -- FIVE WEEKS?
FIVE WEEKS TONIGHT.
TONIGHT MARKS FIVE WEEKS SINCE THE START OF RUSSIA'S FAILED
INVASION OF UKRAINE.
REMEMBER, THE SO-CALLED MILITARY EXPERTS NOT JUST HERE BUT AROUND
THE WORLD ALL PREDICTED PUTIN'S FORCES WOULD CONQUER KYIV IN
LESS THAN THREE DAYS.
THERE ARE A LOT OF REASONS IT'S GOING SO TERRIBLY.
THE RUSSIAN TROOPS, THEY HAVE NO CLEAR PURPOSE.
THE TROOPS ARE RUNNING OUT OF FOOD.
AND TURNS OUT THEY HAVE REALLY BAD TECHNOLOGY.
FOR INSTANCE, MOST MODERN MILITARY RADIOS ARE IMPOSSIBLE
TO INTERCEPT, MANY RUSSIANS FORCES ARE COMMUNICATING ON
UNENCRYPTED HIGH FREQUENCY CHANNELS THAT ALLOW ANYONE WITH
A HAM RADIO TO EAVESDROP, TO WHICH RUSSIAN SOLDIERS SAID A
RADIO MADE OF HAM?
CAN I HAVE ONE?
I'M SO HUNGRY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, RUSSIA'S WALKIE-TALKIES ARE
BEING BOMBARDED WITH HEAVY METAL MUSIC FROM UKRAINIAN OPERATORS.
NOT BAD, HEAVY METAL.
BUT IF UKRAINE REALLY WANTS TO MESS WITH RUSSIAN SOLDIERS, THEY
SHOULD FLOOD THEIR WALKIE-TALKIES WITH AN
UNBEARABLY LONG PODCAST.
IT'S BEEN TWO HOURS AND MARK MERRIN IS STILL TALKING ABOUT
HIS "SNL" AUDITION.
WHAT THE HELL IS A MALE CHIMP?
WHAT IS THIS MALE CHIMP?
WTF?
( LAUGHTER ) VLADIMIR PUTIN MAY NOT BE AWARE
OF HOW BAD HIS INVASION IS GOING BUZZ INTELLIGENCE SUGGESTS HIS
ADVISORS MISINFORMED HIM ON UKRAINE.
RUSSIA -- PUTIN'S CLEARLY A VICTIM OF HIS
OWN PRORUSSIA.PROPAGANDA HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT RUSSIA
LOST ROCKY IV.
OVER THERE IT'S AN 8-MINUTE FILM CALLED, "IVAN DRAGO STRONG
GOOD."
REPORTEDLY, SENIOR RUSSIAN OFFICIALS ARE WARY OF DELIVERING
TRUTHFUL ASSESSMENTS - POTENTIALLY AFRAID THAT THE
MESSENGERS OF BAD NEWS WILL BE HELD RESPONSILE FOR THE
BATTLEFIELD FAILURES.
OF COURSE THEY'RE AFRAID TO BE HONEST.
NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY TO A PSYCHOTIC BOSS, YOU LOSE.
HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU: HEY, LOUIS, I'VE BEEN OFFERED
THE ROLE OF RIGOLETTO AT THE METROPOLITAN OPERA.
DO YOU THINK I HAVE THE PIPES FOR IT?
NOW BEAR IN MIND, IF YOU SAY NO, I WILL THROW YOU OFF THE
BALCONY.
BUT IF YOU SAY YES, AND I EMBARRASS MYSELF, I WILL ALSO
THROW YOU OFF THE BALCONY.
SO WHAT SHOULD I DO?
BE HONEST!
>> I THINK YOU SHOULD ASK JON WHEN HE GETS BACK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: GOOD CHOICE.
GOOD CHOICE.
IT'S NOT JUST THE WAR.
INTELLIGENCE ANALYSTS ALSO SAY THAT PUTIN HAS
AN INCOMPLETE UNDERSTANDING ABOUT HOW DAMAGING WESTERN
SANCTIONS HAVE BEEN ON THE RUSSIAN ECONOMY.
LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT: VLAD, IF YOU'RE PAYING WITH RUBLES,
YOU CAN CROSS TOILET PAPER OFF YOUR SHOPPING LIST.
LIFE IS HARD ON EVERYDAY RUSSIANS.
PUTIN HAS CRACKED DOWN ON INDEPENDENT AND SOCIAL
MEDIA.
FOR INSTANCE, RUSSIA HAS BLOCKED INSTAGRAM.
IT'S ONE THING TO TAKE AWAY FREE SPEECH, GOVERN THROUGH FEAR, AND
COLLAPSE YOUR NATION'S ECONOMY, BUT NO BRUNCH 'GRAMS?
THAT VIOLATES INTERNATIONAL LAW AND THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF
PANCAKES!
THAT'S ROOTY TOOTY FRESH AND SCREWY.
FRESH AND POOTY?
I DON'T KNOW.
THIS HAS BEEN PARTICULARLY TOUGH ON RUSSIAN INFLUENCERS, MANY OF
WHOM POSTED VIDEOS OF TEARFUL
GOODBYES TO THEIR FANS.
OF COURSE INFLUENCERS ARE UPSET.
INFLUENCERS HAVE NO OTHER MARKETABLE SKILLS.
WHAT, ARE THEY GONNA GO DOOR-TO-DOOR TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL
BAD ABOUT NOT HAVING A THIGH GAP?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A THIGH
GAP.
DO I HAVE A THIGH GAP?
( LAUGHTER ) ONE GROUP OF RUSSIAN PROGRAMMERS
HAS COME UP WITH A SOLUTION.
THEY ARE RELEASING MELANCHOLY VERSION OF INSTAGRAM.
WELL, THEN THEY'RE GONNA GET SUED, BECAUSE
"A MELANCHOLY VERSION OF INSTAGRAM"
IS ALREADY THE SLOGAN FOR LINKEDIN.
( LAUGHTER ) DON'T EMAIL ME.
DON'T EMAIL ME.
( APPLAUSE ) THE NEW RUSSIAN APP IS CALLED
'GRUSTNOGRAM', OR IN ENGLISH 'SADGRAM."
( LAUGHTER ) FITS IN WITH OTHER GREAT RUSSIAN
SOCIAL MEDIA SITES LIKE "WHY THE LONG FACEBOOK?" AND
"TIK TOK GOES THE CLOCK AS TIME MARCHES FORWARD, A DIFFICULT
BIRTH ASTRIDE OF A GRAVE."
# ( LAUGHTER )
SOMETIMES SAD IS FUNNY.
SPEAKING OF SAD, IT'S BEEN 4 DAYS SINCE WILL SMITH SHOCKED
THE WORLD BY ASSAULTING CHRIS ROCK ON THE OSCARS STAGE.
BUT WE SHOULD'VE SEEN THIS COMING.
HE REPEATEDLY WARNED US HE'S A BAD BOY FOR LIFE, BUT,
NOW, THERE COULD BE MAYBE POSSIBLY CONSEQUENCES.
I'LL BRING YOU THE LATEST IN MY HOPEFULLY-NOT-RECURRING SEGMENT
"GETTIN' SLAPPY WIT IT" ( SLAP )
N♪ (SINGING NAN ).
A ♪ YESTERDAY, THE ACADEMY OF MOTIO
PICTURE ARTS AND SCIENCES BEGAN DISCIPLINARY PROCEEDINGS AGAINST
WILL SMITH.
BUT FIRST THEY PUT ON A MOUTH GUARD AND A CUP, JUST IN CASE.
AFTER A BOARD MEETING, THE OSCAR BIG-WIGS RELEASED A STATEMENT
SAYING SMITH HAD VIOLATED THEIR CODE OF CONDUCT BY ENGAGING
IN "INAPPROPRIATE PHYSICAL CONTACT, ABUSIVE OR
THREATENING BEHAVIOR, AND COMPROMISING THE
INTEGRITY OF THE ACADEMY."
AND IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO PRESERVE THE INTEGRITY OF THE
ACADEMY.
( FAKE COUGH ) ROMAN POLANSKI...
ROMAN -- ROMAN -- ROMAN POLA POLANSKI.
SORRY I JUST GOT A LITTLE TICKLE IN MY
( FAKE COUGH ) KEVIN SPACEY...
KEVIN SPACEY...
IN MY THROAT.
( COUGH ) HARVEY WEINSTEIN.
HARVEY, HARVEY -- WEINSTEIN.
( LAUGHTER ) THE SLAP CLAP-BACK STARTED AS
SOON AS PALM HIT FACE.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE ACADEMY REVEALED THAT SMITH WAS ASKED TO
LEAVE THE SHOW BUT REFUSED TO DO SO.
WELL, THEY PROBABLY DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT MAN ON THE JOB.
UNCLE PHIL?
"SO WHAT YOU THINK UNCLE PHIL?" THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE,
PHIL.
WOO!
STRONG!
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, NOT EVERYONE AGREES WITH
THE ACADEMY'S SIDE OF THE STORY.
OTHER ATTENDEES CLAIM SOME ACADEMY MEMBERS EXPRESSED THAT
THEY WANTED SMITH REMOVED, BUT NO FORMAL OR EXPLICIT ASK WAS
EVER MADE, AND THAT ACTUALLY A PRODUCER SAID THAT HE AND THE
PRODUCTION "OFFICIALLY" WANTED SMITH TO STAY FOR THE
REMAINDER OF THE SHOW.
BECAUSE THEY NEEDED HIM TO GET HIS OSCAR IN PERSON!
OTHERWISE, YOU GOTTA SEND UP RITA MORENO TO SAY
"WILL COULDN'T BE HERE.
I'M HONORED TO SLAP CHRIS ROCK ON HIS BEHALF."
( APPLAUSE ) ( RIM SHOT )
WHATEVER REALLY HAPPENED THAT NIGHT, AND IT'S NOT WHAT THE
ACADEMY SAYS, THE ACADEMY IS NOW READY TO DOLE OUT THE
PAIN.
ONE BOARD MEMBER SUMMED UP THEIR THOUGHTS, SAYING "I THINK
EVERYONE UNANIMOUSLY FEELS WHAT HE DID WAS OUT OF CONTROL.
PEOPLE WANT REAL CONSEQUENCE."
OH, WOW, REAL CONSEQUENCES.
WHICH MEANS THEY'RE GONNA MAKE WILL SMITH WATCH A DOUBLE
FEATURE OF "HITCH" AND "THE LEGEND OF BAGGER VANCE."
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW.
I THINK THAT VIOLATES THE GENEVA CONVENTION.
( LAUGHTER ) STAYING IN THE WORLD OF MEDIA,
YOU KNOW I'M A COMPANY MAN.
I LOVE CBS, OUR PARENT COMPANY PARAMOUNT, AND ITS PARENT
COMPANY... PROBABLY A DEFENSE CONTRACTOR THAT MAKES
BONER PILLS.
THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I RECENTLY HEARD SOME OFFICE
'GOSS' THAT ROCKED MY SOCKS.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL THE 'DEETS' IN MY FIRST-RUNNING
SEGMENT, "CBS WATERCOOLER" >> "WHO HERE'S WATCHIN'
"S.W.A.T?" >> STEPHEN: WE ALL ARE, GLUGGY.
RECENTLY, MY NETWORK HAS GOTTEN A LOT OF CRITICISM, MUCH OF IT
FROM ITSELF, BECAUSE CBS NEWS HAS HIRED THE EX-PRESIDENT'S
FORMER CHIEF OF STAFF MICK MULVANEY TO "PROVIDE POLITICAL
ANALYSIS ACROSS THE NETWORK'S BROADCASTS AND
PLATFORMS."
FOR MORE, WE GO TO THE LATE SHOW'S OWN MEDIA ANALYST,
STEPHEN COLBERT.
STEPHEN, YOUR THOUGHTS?
>> STEPHEN: WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BACK TO YOU, STEVE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: THANKS, STEPHEN.
I FOR ONECAN'T WAIT TO HEAR MULVANEY'S 1TRENCHANT AND
OBJECTIVE POLITICAL ANALYSIS CONSIDERING THAT BACK IN 2020,
HE SUGGESTED THAT "CORONAVIRUS WAS THE MEDIA HOAX OF THE DAY."
AND AFTER HIS BOSS EXTORTED ZELENSKYY FOR DIRT ON THE
BIDENS, HE SAID, "GET OVER IT."
AND JUST DAYS AFTER THE ELECTION, HE ANNOUNCED:
"IF HE LOSES, THE FORMER PRESIDENT WILL CONCEDE
GRACEFULLY," ADDING "HE'LL FIGHT HARD TO MAKE SURE
THE RESULTS ARE FAIR, AND IN THE END, HE'LL ACCEPT THE
RESULT WHATEVER IT IS."
IS MULVANEY PSYCHIC?
GET THIS MAN TO VEGAS!!
HE'S NOSTRA-DUMB ASS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO, OBVIOUSLY, I'M JUST JOKING.
BUT WHY WOULD THE TIFFANY NETWORK'S VENERABLE NEWS
DIVISION PUT THIS CRAVEN TOADY TO A TYRANT ON THE PAYROLL?
ACCORDING TO LEAKED AUDIO, ONE EXEC SAID THEY WANTED
"TO MAKE SURE THAT WE ARE GETTING ACCESS TO BOTH SIDES OF
THE AISLE IS A PRIORITY BECAUSE WE KNOW THE REPUBLICANS ARE
GOING TO TAKE OVER, MOST LIKELY, IN THE MIDTERMS."
THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY'RE NOT JUST REPORTING THE NEWS, THEY'RE PREDICTING IT NOW.
AND REWORKING OUR PROGRAMMING IN HOPES OF COZYING UP TO THE
G.O.P..
SO GET READY FOR OUR NEW SPRING LINE-UP:
"YOUNG Q-SHAMAN," "BOB RESTRICTS THE REPRODUCTIVE
RIGHTS OF ABISHOLA," AND " BLUE BLOODS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M SURE -- I'M SURE --
I'M SURE THIS HAS ALL BEEN TOUGH ON MULVANEY.
AND AS A COWORKER, I FEEL LIKE IT'S MY DUTY TO MAKE SURE HE IS
PORTRAYED FAIRLY ON THIS NETWORK.
SO JOINING US NOW, LIVE VIA SATELLITE FROM WASHINGTON DC,
PLEASE WELCOME CBS NEWS CONTRIBUTOR, MICK MULVANEY.
SEE YOU AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JAMES
MCAVOY.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I CELEBRATE WOMEN'S HISTORY WITH A
SPECIAL GUEST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )