(playful music)
- No. I just got comfortable.
- Well.
- Ugh!
Oops.
- I'll get a paper towel.
- No, it's fine. I got it.
What?
- I think it's time we replace the futon.
- What's wrong with the futon?
- It's really rickety and lumpy.
- Well, if you know where the lumps are
you can work around them.
- The cover is gross.
- Well, get a new cover.
Besides, we're saving up for Sasquatch Fest.
- I guess.
- Come on, it's Friday.
Let's get blitzed and fall asleep
watching something with British people.
(bottles clink)
(playful music)
(playful music) (television playing)
(birds chirping)
- Why are you awake?
Why is anyone awake?
This is the worst.
- How do you feel about a road trip?
- Right now?
- Mmhmm.
Let's get you some pants.
(playful music)
- Where are we road tripping to?
- I found a lead on the Rolls Royce of used couches.
It's gonna class up our whole apartment.
- Oh.
- "Oh" what?
- I just thought we were doing something fun.
- This could be fun.
Besides, I just wanna get something comfortable
for you to pass out on after a beer and a half.
- It was two whole beers.
What are we gonna do with the futon?
- I don't know.
Move it toward the dumpster
and hope it doesn't become a love nest
for that pact of feral, polyamorous cats.
- So we're just throwing it away?
- Katie, you've had that thing since you were 14.
- Exactly.
- I just think it's time our place
be a little less college dorm and a little more--
- Adult. - Comfortable.
For us, for everyone.
The last time your parents visited
your dad refused to sit on that futon
because of the suspicious stains.
- So this is about impressing my parents?
- Are you mad at me?
- No, I'm not mad at you.
- Is this about the wedding?
- Is what about the wedding?
- I know we made a few compromises.
- A few?
I wanted converses and food trucks,
and we had a sit-down dinner, and I wore heels.
- And you looked amazing.
- I know!
- We're here.
- Fantastic.
(playful music)
I don't know where I'm going.
Aren't Rolls Royces supposed to be really, really nice?
- You know, I don't really know cars,
but it has good bones.
- Boy, is it comfortable.
Carl Lichub.
How are you? You must be Michael.
- Yes.
- Okay. Your girlfriend?
- Katie.
- My wife.
- All right.
- Well, aren't you two adorable.
I assume you're here to get this couch off our lawn.
- Not so fast, dear.
- Well, we gotta do something about it soon, honey.
The grass is starting to die.
- Well, I'd like to ask them a few questions.
- I'd like to move this out to the curb.
- Now, would you guys say
you eat or drink on and around your furniture?
- As opposed to eating and drinking over the sink?
- Well, I mean a glass of water or a cup of tea is fine,
but tomato soup, I mean, come on.
- We're very responsible with our things.
- Satisfied?
- Yeah, listen.
You guys use furniture for it's intended purpose?
Sitting with your feet on the ground, not on the cushions.
The occasional nap--
- Or a full night's sleep.
- Is fine, but the thing is if you guys
treat this couch well, it'll treat you well.
- For the love of God, Carl.
- You know, if you wanna go inside, I can take care of this.
- Can you?
- Let me handle this, woman!
- You said it was 150, right?
I brought cash, so.
- You are being so melodramatic about this.
We just updated all of our furniture,
and this piece no longer matches our decor.
- I no longer have a place to sit.
- What about the Stevenson?
It's beautiful.
- The Stevenson is a torture device.
My tailbone is bruised and battered.
- That's because you don't have an ass.
That's not the Stevenson's fault.
- He loves this sofa.
We cannot take it away.
- Maybe he's just not giving this new couch a chance.
- [Carl] So what? Just because we make six figures now
I can't afford a comfortable place to sit?
I gotta sell my favorite couch for a couple of interns.
- Hey!
I'm on your side.
And I'm an assistant.
- So I'm not supposed to want nice things?
- I'm not supposed to want any furniture
that my husband hasn't pissed all over?
- That was one time and I was blackout drunk.
- Oh, really?
- Well, you're gonna try to tell me
that you're not drinking anymore?
- You know, I got a Scotchgard warranty on that.
You can lift that right up.
- Be honest.
You guys really in the market for a piece of furniture
that my husband has powerwashed
with his man hose at least twice?
Probably more.
- Give us a second.
- I don't want a pee couch.
- Maybe with the Scotchgard it--
- [Katie] Michael.
- I'm sorry.
I just spent a lot of time on Craigslist,
and this was easily our best bet.
We could try Ikea.
- Ikea?
Seriously?
What's next?
We give up grilled cheese and chicken fingers?
We figure out the whole 401k thingy?
We move into the burbs
because baby number three is on the way?
Is updating our furniture going to become a thing?
- Woah, woah, woah.
I don't care about updating our furniture.
- So you don't want a Stevenson some day?
- Sweetie, I don't even know what that is.
I just wanted to do something nice for you.
Our futon is starting to literally hurt you.
- Look, will you two please give this couch a loving home
before I murder my harpy of a wife?
- He's gonna try to drown me with piss.
- That guy definitely peed on this thing more than twice.
It reeks.
- I don't think I can go on Craigslist again.
- Yeah. I don't trust you to go on Craigslist again.
I'm driving home.
- All right.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- [Michael] I can't believe you thought a couch
meant I wanted to get you pregnant.
- [Katie] You do want to get me pregnant.
- [Michael] Yeah, but not soon.
- [Katie] Sure. We need more practice
on the futon.
- [Michael] No way.
A sadist.
On the pillow top or nothing.
I am a lady of class.
(Katie laughs)