well that's a very interesting question anon that's a- you know anon and I'm
assuming that you're the same person here I could be being unfair I don't
suppose you've ever heard the expression if you can't be a good example you'll
just have to serve as a terrible warning? because if you'd asked once or twice
because tumblr asks are notoriously unreliable as opposed to seven times
over the course of several months the tone of this answer might have been
slightly different as it is you're so perfectly encapsulating the "nice guy"
mindset that I honestly wonder if you're doing it on purpose and by "nice guy"
behavior I don't mean the behavior of someone who is nice or someone who is a
guy or someone who is nice and a guy the problem with "nice guys" by which I mean
the kind of men who complain that women don't want to date them and why don't
women want to date them they're nice not like all of those other jerks is again
not the being nice or a guy or a nice guy or even having an unrequited crush
on a friend it happens to everyone it's this mentality which says I am not a
terrible human being by my own standards and thus I am entitled to things. the
level of niceness which is necessary for basic functioning in society entitles
you to nothing more than being able to expect that people should be that nice
back to you not letting doors slam in people's faces and not shouting things
out of your car window and not being an obvious racist are just like base-level
acceptable behavior and persisting to try and solicit advice from someone who
hasn't answered the first half dozen times betrays an attitude which is not
pretty. the problems with being a "nice guy" in dating are twofold in that one if
someone calls you a nice guy in this sense they mean you're acting entitled
but two: possibly also that you're just not very interesting most people don't
really want to date you or even particularly befriend you and so whether
or not you're boring is not interesting to them but everyone suffers when you
act like an entitled person and I mean entitled in the sense like you feel you
have a right to something like sexual favors or someone's time and attention
it's okay to want someone's time and attention but (and particularly if
they're a stranger) they're not actually obligated to give you anything "I should
be able to have this" is an attitude you always want to question because why? why
should you be able to have it? I paid money for this hot dog and I would
expect it not to give me food poisoning is
reasonable. I purchased dinner for this woman and therefore I'm entitled to a
kiss is not reasonable. it's a nice thing to do to buy someone dinner but sorry
it's a- it's a gift and gifts don't or at least shouldn't have strings look if you
don't want to pay for dinner just split the bill! you can ask for things that you
want and that's part of being a grown-up but you can't demand them. take a no as a
no and don't freak out about it at least don't freak out about it in public and
make sure all of your yeses are enthusiastic ones. Actually the concept
of enthusiastic yeses will serve you well in the second arena as well anon.
I have no idea whether or not you're an interesting person but as a general rule
people like and are attracted to interesting people more than they're
attracted to people who are not particularly interesting so if you want
to be someone that people are actually interested in spending time with become
the sort of person that you would be interested in spending time with. being a
person who actually does things counts for something and it's generally a
better way to live your life anyway I once read an article where someone was
talking about how they spent their leisure time and they said basically
what I want is for as much of my leisure time as possible to be spent in
activities which make me go heck yes and so they tried to say no to any activity
which wasn't a heck yes so sipping hot chocolate with marshmallows under a
duvet while reading your favorite book heck yes learning to salsa and eating
tapas possibly not at the same time heck yes for even just sleeping a really long
time heck yes compare this to scrolling through Facebook and BuzzFeed until 1:30
a.m. and then falling asleep, waking up the next morning feeling not any better
or more rested. I'm not saying your whole life has to be exciting I'm saying when
it comes to leisure prioritize things which are actually interesting because
if nothing else that will give you something to talk about when you go on
dates okay last piece of advice here one of
your asks says "I've seen and been around people who are like this and I just
don't want to end up acting like that" that's a good instinct but now it's down
to you to figure that out in what ways where they acting that made you feel
uncomfortable can you figure out how not to do those yourself for a start but
then (and this is more difficult) can you figure out what the principle is that
they are violating that's a harder thing to answer them being given a list of
rules but ultimately it's better because if I give you rules then you will talk
yourself out of them because there are always exceptions and you will say I'm
always an exception so figure out your own rules
anon. thanks for watching thank you to my patrons as always and I'll see you
next time