In the Buddhist teaching of love
we learn that there are four elements
that can provide true love and happiness
and the first element is maitri.
Maitri means...
maitri means friendship, brotherhood
The word maitri comes from the root Mitra
Mitra means friend.
L'amitié
La fraternité
When you love someone, you offer your friendship,
your brotherhood.
And friendship and brotherhood does not deprive him or her
of his or her freedom
when you love, you maintain your whole freedom.
and you'll help maintain the freedom of the person you love.
You don't deprive him or her of his or her freedom
the offering of happiness.
In your relationship with the other person, ask the question
that whether you have maitri to offer him or her.
We are on an equal basis.
By loving you I retain my freedom
and by loving you I respect your freedom.
That is maitri
which we translate poorly as loving kindness.
There should be a better word.
If a friend that does not understand a friend
cannot really offer his brotherhood, his friendship.
That is why to cultivate maitri you have to cultivate understanding.
You spend your time with him or with her in mindfulness
and you discover every day his needs, his difficulties
his obstacles, his deep aspiration.
On that base of understanding, you offer maitri and happiness.
And the second is karuna.
Karuna means the capacity to understand the suffering
and help remove it, transform it.
The person you love has suffering in him or in her,
has difficulties in him or in her
As someone who loves him or her,
you should be able to identify that suffering, those difficulties
and try to help remove it.
And the capacity of helping remove that suffering is called compassion
transforming suffering in a person you love
because you see the suffering in the person, your loved one.
If you are not able to help him or her remove the suffering
you are not a real lover
We're used to translate karuna as compassion.
The other person suffers, and you suffer with her:
you share suffering.
That is the word "compassion."
But in true love, you don't have to suffer
with him; you *understand* only.
And your capacity of understanding helps the other person
not to suffer anymore.
When a patient comes to a doctor,
the doctor is supposed to be able to see what is wrong within the patient,
what the sickness is,
and the root of the sickness in the person.
That is exactly karuna.
The doctor, after having identified the illness and the root of illness,
he is capable of prescribing something for the removal of that illness.
The doctor doesn't have to suffer together with the patient.
That is why the word compassion is not perfect in translating.
The Buddha also.
He sits there, people come and cry with him
and he doesn't have to cry with them.
He said, dear friends, I understand your suffering
but there is a way for you to go in order to...
If the Buddha spends his time crying with people,
he doesn't have any time left in order to help
to help with the transformation and healing.
So in your relationship,
ask the question whether you have the element of compassion in your love.
If you do, then you are being really helpful.
You are helping that person to suffer less.
Your presence already helps that person to feel better.
Your speech, your action, your capacity of listening deeply help him or her
transform and remove suffering.
And that is the element called Karuna.
In our relationship, we should be able to cultivate Karuna every day.
The third element is called mudita.
Joy.
The kind of joy that is shared by both.
If you are in your relationship and there's only sadness...
you make him cry and he makes you cry,
that's not love!
True love should include joy.
And you are able to enjoy his own joy
and he is able to enjoy your joy
because you're not two separate entities.
You're one with the person you love.
That is why when you see that person happy,
you feel very happy.
And when you see that person unhappy,
you are able to do something in order to help.
You consider his happiness as yours.
You don't say, "That's your problem!"
In true love, there is no statement like that.
Sympathetic joy.
Your joy is his joy,
and his joy is your joy.
We have to be able to offer joy.
The question is,
in the relationship, are you able to offer joy?
Or you make her cry all the time?
If you make him or her cry all the time,
that's not true love.
The willingness to love,
the willingness to make him or her happy,
yes, it may be there.
But the capacity to love, to make him or her happy,
is not yet there.
It is to be cultivated.
and the fourth element is upeksha
and upeksha means non-discrimination
and this is a higher form of love
you love him, not because that person belongs to the same race
having the same kind of skin color
or sharing the same kind of spiritual path
it's not because of that
you love that person because that person suffers
and needs your love, that's all non-discrimination
the path of non-discrimination
suppose you have four children
and you realize that all of them are your children
you don't want to prefer one over the three others
you practice upeksha
equanimity
you love Mr. Kerry because Mr. Kerry speaks for you
but you don't love Mr. Bush
because Mr. Bush is doing another thing that you don't like
there's no equanimity in your love
even if John Kerry has ideas that are close to you
but you still love mr. Bush
you say, well mr. Bush, I have to help him also
because if I am able to help him, I help the other half of the population
I have to do something in order to offer him more understanding, more compassion
so that he will handle the problem in the Middle East, in Irak,
in a more compassionate way
you have to love him
so you love both of them
and for American voters,
it's very difficult to persuade them to love both
I have tried but I have not succeeded
because equanimity is inclusiveness
when you love, your love should include everyone
whether he is black or white or brown or yellow
whether he is catholic or protestant
our jew or buddhist, or communist, you have to love them al
that is why equanimity...
... reveals a higher, higher level of love
it's not, that young man is your son, that you have to love him
and you exclude the other young man
you are a true lover
you have to include sons of other families
and when you can love the sons and the daughters of other families
you are in a position to be a politician
to be a teacher
and therefore all of us have to cultivate the quality of equanimity
the king is supposed to love everyone in the country
as his or her own sons and daughters
and the king is supposed to practice equanimity
and in the traditional Buddhism
it is said that maitri, karuna, mudita and upeksha
can be cultivated every day
because these are four qualities that have no limits
infinite love
and the four elements are called the four unlimited
because the...
maitri can become...
... unlimited
and this is a kind of love you may call 'Love Without Frontiers'
and when you have developed your love to that level
you are called a Buddhisatva
you are called a Buddha
and there are Buddhas and Bodhisattvas in our midst
in the world
there is an organization of doctors
who want to serve people everywhere
not only in France, in Great Britain
but also in Africa and Asia
and they call themselves Medecins Sans Frontieres
Sans Frontieres, that is the word
love without limits, frontiers
and you can develop these four qualities
because, when your heart is able to embrace everyone
every living beings
it has no longer any frontier
you heart becomes immmense
and when the love in your heart is like that
you don't suffer anymore
you can accept everything
and the Buddha gave a very beauriful image
he said, suppose you have a bowl of water
and you have a handful of salt
and you pour all the salt in the water, and you stir
the water becomes undrinkable
it's too salty
you cannot dwell your toast
because it is a salty solution
but suppose, with that handful of salt
you throw it into a river
and although the salt is diluted in the water
people continue to drink the water
they don't suffer at all
why? because the river is immense
and that is why a handful of salt cannot make the river suffer
even if you to throw handful after handful, one hundred times,
that's because the river is still immense
the river still doesn't suffer
so the technique is to unlock your heart
to make it into something unlimited
and when your heart becomes immense
you can accept everything
the small things like a handful of salt
does not make you suffer any more
and if you heart is small
and small things can make you very unhappy
but in the case you have a big heart
that can include everyone
every living beings
you don't suffer anymore
and that is the quality of equanimity, all-embracing