WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL, THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE JUST RAISED MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT
WHY DONALD TRUMP FIRED F.B.I.
DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY.
OKAY.
NO ONE SEEMS TO KNOW WHY.
DONALD TRUMP DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW WHY.
( LAUGHTER ) FIRST, HE SAID IT WAS BASED ON
THE RECOMMENDATION OF ASSISTANT ATTORNEY GENERAL AND 50-YEAR-OLD
JUST HITTING PUBERTY, ROD ROSENSTEIN.
( LAUGHTER ) HANG IN THERE, ROD.
TRUMP EVEN SENT MIKE PENCE OUT THERE TO REPEAT IT.
"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
ROD SAYS HE'S GOTTA GO.
ROD'S THE MAN."
SOME PEOPLE WERE SKEPTICAL THAT THIS WAS TRUE.
FOR INSTANCE, ROD ROSENSTEIN, WHO SAID, AND I'M PARAPHRASING,
"WHAT?
NO!
SORRY, FELLAS, NO."
AT ONE POINT, ROSENSTEIN ACTUALLY THREATENED TO QUIT.
IT WILL BE DETAILED IN HIS TELL-ALL BOOK "THREATENING
COURAGE."
( LAUGHTER ) STILL, THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF
KEPT REPEATING THAT THE DECISION CAME AFTER THE RECOMMENDATION
FROM ROD.
AND TODAY DONALD TRUMP BACKED THOSE STAFFERS UP AND THEN RAN
OVER THEM REPEATEDLY BY CHANGING HIS STORY.
>> MONDAY YOU MET WITH THE DEPUTY ATTORNEY GENERAL ROD
ROSENSTEIN.
>> RIGHT.
>> DID YOU ASK FOR A RECOMMENDATION?
>> WHAT I DID IS I WAS GOING TO FIRE COMEY.
MY DECISION.
IT WAS NOT-- >> YOU MADE THE DECISION BEFORE
THEY CAME IN THE ROOM?
>> I, I WAS GOING TO FIRE COMEY.
I -- THERE'S NO GOOD TIME TO DO IT, BY THE WAY.
THEY -- >> BECAUSE, IN YOUR LETTER, YOU
SAID I HAVE ACCEPTED THEIR RECOMMENDATIONS.
YOU HAD ALREADY MADE THE DECISION?
>> OH, I WAS GOING TO FIRE REGARDLESS OF RECOMMENDATION.
>> Stephen: YES, HE WAS GOING TO DO IT REGARDLESS.
TOTALLY BELIEVABLE.
TRUMP DOES HAVE A LONG HISTORY OF DOING WHATEVER HE WANTS
REGARDLESS.
BUT HEY, WHEN YOU'RE A STAR, THEY LET YOU DO IT.
COMEY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HE WAS IN TROUBLE WHEN TRUMP PULLED
OUT THE TIC TACS.
( LAUGHTER ) SO IF IT WASN'T THE
RECOMMENDATION, WHY DID HE GET RID OF HIM?
>> LOOK, HE'S A SHOWBOAT, HE'S A GRANDSTANDER.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: THAT IS REALLY THE
SQUASH CALLING THE PUMPKIN ORANGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS AN ORANGE FLOAT AT THE
ROSE PARADE.
( APPLAUSE ) AND THAT WASN'T TRUMP'S ONLY
INTERVIEW THIS WEEK.
HE ALSO SAT DOWN WITH "THE ECONOMIST," AND TALKED ABOUT
CHINESE PRESIDENT XI JINPING AND THE AMAZING THINGS HE LEARNED.
"OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH CHINA IS LONG.
OF COURSE, BY CHINA STANDARDS, IT'S VERY SHORT.
YOU KNOW, THEY GO BACK 8,000 YEARS.
WE HAVE -- 1776 IS LIKE MODERN HISTORY.
THEY CONSIDER 1776 LIKE YESTERDAY, AND THEY, YOU KNOW,
GO BACK A LONG TIME."
"DID YOU KNOW THAT GENERAL TSO WAS A REAL GUY?!
I THINK HE FOUGHT WITH CAP'N CRUNCH."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: MAGICALLY DELICIOUS.
>> Stephen: THIS INTERVIEW WITH THE TRUMP REALLY THINKS HE
LIKES HIS NEW BEST FRIEND XI JINPING.
"I THINK I LIKE HIM A LOT.
I THINK HE LIKES ME A LOT.
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET FOR TEN MINUTES, AND THE TEN MINUTES
TURNED OUT TO BE THREE HOURS.
ALONE, THE TWO OF US.
THE NEXT DAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TEN MINUTES, DINNER TURNED
OUT TO BE THREE HOURS.
I MEAN, HE'S A GREAT GUY."
♪ TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE, DID YOU HAVE LOTS OF FUN?
♪ TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE.
WILL THEY KILL "KIM JONG UN"?
♪ ( APPLAUSE )
♪ TELL ME MORE TELL ME MORE ♪ ♪ DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS ♪
♪ TELL ME MORE TELL ME MORE, WILL THEY DPOAR GIVE OUR DEBT?
♪ THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT ELSE?
TRUMP ALSO LAID OUT HIS NEW TAX REFORM PLAN, AND USED A TOTALLY
ORIGINAL METAPHOR -- "IT'S CALLED PRIMING THE PUMP.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU DON'T DO THAT, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BRING YOUR
TAXES DOWN.
YOU UNDERSTAND THE EXPRESSION "PRIME THE PUMP"?
HAVE YOU HEARD THAT EXPRESSION BEFORE?
BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HEARD IT.
I MEAN, I JUST-- I CAME UP WITH IT A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO, AND I
THOUGHT IT WAS GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) YES.
DON'T ADJUST YOUR TELEVISION SETS.
YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT.
DONALD TRUMP IS CLAIMING HE CAME UP WITH
THE PHRASE, "PRIME THE PUMP?!" SIR, DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM
MELANIA'S SPEECH?
( LAUGHTER ) JUST DON'T DO IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, I'M NO EXPERT.
I'M NOT SURE WHO INVENTED THE PHRASE "PRIMING THE PUMP," BUT I
THINK IT DATES BACK TO THE PUMP.
WHAT OTHER PHRASES DID TRUMP "INVENT?"
"PAPER OR PLASTIC, THAT WAS ME.
I CALL A LEFT TURN A "LOUIE."
"HOW'S IT HANGIN'?" NO ONE WONDERED HOW IT HUNG
BEFORE ME.
CHOCOHOLIC.
"YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK.
GOODBYE."
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ALSO GAVE A WHITE HOUSE
TOUR TO "TIME" MAGAZINE, AND GAVE REPORTERS A FIRSTHAND LOOK
AT HIS DINNER ROUTINE.
"AS HE SETTLES DOWN, THEY BRING HIM A DIET COKE, WHILE THE REST
OF THE GUESTS ARE SERVED WATER.
WHEN THE CHICKEN ARRIVES, HE IS THE ONLY ONE GIVEN AN EXTRA DISH
OF SAUCE.
AND AT THE DESSERT COURSE, HE GETS TWO SCOOPS OF VANILLA ICE
CREAM WITH HIS CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE, INSTEAD OF THE SINGLE SCOOP
FOR EVERYONE ELSE."
WOW!
TWO SCOOPS?!
>> Jon: OH, MAN!
>> Stephen: DOES HE ALSO GET TO RIDE IN THE FRONT SEAT
SOMETIMES?!
( APPLAUSE ) MAN, I WISH I WAS THE PRESIDENT!
OR REALLY, ANYONE ELSE.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP WAS ALSO SAD ABOUT HOW
EVERYONE'S BEEN SO MEAN TO HIM, SAYING, "IT NEVER MADE SENSE TO
ME, THE LEVEL OF ANIMOSITY...
ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS, LIKE, LET'S HAVE A GREAT MILITARY.
LET'S HAVE LOW TAXES.
LET'S HAVE GOOD HEALTH CARE.
LET'S HAVE GOOD EDUCATION."
YOU KNOW?
I DIDN'T REALIZE HE WAS SUCH A TENDER-HEARTED FELLOW.
SO I'M NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT THE PRESIDENT,
LIKE THAT HIS HANDS ARE SO SMALL HE NEEDS BOTH OF THEM TO WORK A
TV REMOTE.
I'M GOING TO LET "TIME" MAGAZINE'S PICTURE SAY IT FOR
ME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON -- TELL THE JOINT CHIEFS WE ARE AT CODE