There are aspects to all of us that, if they were exposed to a harsh or unsympathetic critic,
would result in severe humiliation and mockery. From close up, we are, none of us, reliably
impressive. We get agitated, fretful, cantankerous and panicky. Under the pressure of events,
we shout, slam doors and let out screams (or wails). We have episodes of absurd clumsiness,
we bump into doors, trip and drop things down our front. We're worried pretty much all the
time: about how others see us, about where our careers are going, and about everything
important that we have forgotten to do in our lives. We long for love, but are unthinking
and insensitive around those close to us. We are gauche in our efforts to seduce and
pitiful in our requests for attention. Our bodies have a range of shameful habits and
vulnerabilities. We are, from certain angles, truly embarrassing propositions.
All this we struggle to hide. The inner idiot is carefully monitored and ruthlessly gagged.
We have learnt from our earliest years that the only priority around vulnerability is
to disguise it completely. We strive remorselessly to look composed, to erase the evidence of
our silliness and to try to appear a great deal more 'normal' than we know we are.
We are understandably very focused on the downsides of vulnerability. What is far less
well-recognised is vulnerability's occasional very significant and profound upsides.
There are moments when the revelation of weakness, far from being a catastrophe, is the only
possible route to connection and respect. At points we may dare to explain, with rare
frankness, that we are afraid, that we are sometimes bad and that we have done many silly
things. And rather than appalling our companions, these revelations may serve to endear us to
them, humanising us in their eyes, and letting them feel that their own vulnerabilities have
echoes in the lives of others. Together, we realise that the definition of what is normal
has missed out on key aspects of our mutual reality.
In other words, vulnerability can be a bedrock of friendship, friendship properly understood
not just, or primarily, as a process of admiration but as an exchange of sympathy and consolation
for the troublesome business of being alive. There can, of course, be unfortunate ways
of handling vulnerability: when we do so in the form of an aggressive demand that others
rescue us, or when our frailties lack boundaries, or when we are close to rage and hysteria
rather than melancholy and grief. Good vulnerability doesn't expect another
person to solve our difficulties; we let them see a tricky part of who we are, simply in
the hope that they will be emboldened to feel more at ease with their own, less dignified
sides. Good vulnerability is fundamentally generous: it takes the first step at disclosure
so as to render it safe for others to unburden themselves and disclose something of their
hidden selves in turn. It is a gift in the form of a risk taken for someone else.
Furthermore, displays of vulnerability have a curious way of signalling that we are, despite
the embarrassing avowals, far from fundamentally ridiculous or pitiful. We are, rather, strong
enough to be weak; to let our silliness, our idiocy, our anger and our sadness show, confident
that these do not have to be the final verdicts on who we are. We proceed with a bold sense
that despite the lack of surface evidence, everyone is in the end as wounded, aggrieved,
worried and damaged as we are and that we are not therefore, through our disclosures,
casting ourselves out of the clan for good: we are simply reconfirming our essential membership
of the human race. It is something of a minor tragedy that we
should spend so much of our lives striving to hide our weakness when it is in fact only
upon the dignified sharing of vulnerability that true friendship and love
can arise.
We love bringing you these films. If you want to help us to keep bringing you thoughtful content,
please consider supporting us by visiting our shop at the link on your screen now.