Okay okay okay I'm so excited I'm so excited to do this
Hi there my pretty chickens!
let me first introduce myself. My name's Jon Cozart,
you may not recognize me because now that it's 2016, I'm a
BRAND NEW ME, baby!
hey, okay. Enough. Every year I end up breaking a ton
new years resolutions like last year I told myself
"Jon, okay, stop doing so much strenuous activity,
you're gonna hurt yourself", and then I ended up working out all year and got super hot so...
2016 is the year of Jon Cozart.
It's my year.
My year!
It is my year according to my manager and my mother.
And yeah I'm choosing to ignore that fact that my manager has to love me because of mo-
I spent New Year's in Austin
and midnight was a bit of a mess... I'll get to that a little later,
but during the day I met up with all of my old college buddies
we had a ten event decathlon, we competed against each other,
head to head to figure out who was the best human being.
Uh... we started with bowling.
Right now it's a dead heat between me and Marshal for the win,
we're on the tenth frame.
Survivor, friendly islands.
Pause. I realize watching strangers bowl is kind of boring,
so that's why I've decided to temporarily convert Paint
into the Lonely Bowling Channel.
Welcome to the lonely bowling channel,
your one stop shop for all your New Year's Eve decathlon bowling related events,
I'm your host Jon Coco. And with me here today is Mark D... oh.
I am alone.
Marshal needs his pin to seal his victory otherwise Jon has the oppurtunity to catch up,
Oh, he misses!
He missed like I miss my dad everyday.
You got daddy issues Mark?
Mark?
Everybody focus here. Jon's up to plate he's ready to score that touch down.
Get a birdy on this hoop and win.
He's gonna go for it. The crowd is in shambles!
He shoots!
HE SCORES! (Cheers)
(sad music)
Look at his face of failure! (Nooooooooo) *Evil laughter*
After bowling there were nine other events in this decathlon
like pinball, Marshal won that,
Nintendo Land, Marshal won that,
(Cheering and booing)
Egg toss, the egg toss.
Whoa, oa oa, oh, YES!
Stop, please! Spin move! Spin move!
Wayne won that. Okay? But Wayne's partner was Marshal so technically
But who's the best bowler?
Noo!
And really, what is winning?
When you look back at these events, nobody's gonna remember Marshal winning pinball.
They're going to remember Krissy, jumping into the shot
scooping in on a comical oppurtunity.
They'll remember Tearney, bathing in red tickets.
They'll remember this band-aid sticking it out on that jackpot machine.
They'll remember Wayne, putting dirty coins in his mouth.
And then putting a raw egg in his mouth; which shouldn't bother you, because those eggs would not break.
Pretty sure we bought organic goose eggs from a giant's farmer's market in the sky.
Jack and the beanstalk reference... Killin' it! Oooohooohoo.
Moving on, night, I... I drank a– a ton of apple cider. Right,
and it had alcohol in it.
I stole a glass from another bar.
Happy New Year! (Happy New Year! Yeah!)
Then we went to this silent bar, which like, why does that exist?
Bars are supposed to be loud, so that in order to have a conversation with somebody
you gotta get intimately close to them and then kiss 'em.
With your lips.
Anyways I had an awakening, religious experience brought on by... maybe it was the cider,
maybe it was the Bieber. The science is not in.
In that moment I felt like I wasn't living. (ding) Shhh...
Like i wasn't living to my full potential as a human being.
And like an Italian pizza shop owner who just received a 20 dollar bill for a 4 dollar slice of pepperoni
I realized
I gotta make a change.
I mean how many videos did I make in 2015?
4?
One was sponsored, two were vlogs, and the last one was Star Wars in 99 seconds.
Which I'm extremely proud of, please go watch it. Here's an annotation here's a card if you're on your phone.
I'll wait.
I can't take it any MOREEEEE!!
If i don't start growing up right now, I'm never gonna grow up.
No stop. Unlike Peter Pan,
whether or not I decide to grow up, I'm still gonna age.
That's gonna happen, it's already happening. Look at these eye bags.
Okay?
Sidenote, if you know how to get rid of these... Like is that genetic or...
I'm making a change folks. And not like "how about I increase my video output from 4 videos a year to..."
"5?"
No, I'm making a real change. This is the year of Jon Cozart, baby!
And if you don't believe me, believe my mother.
Hey mom? What year is it?
2016.
Who's year is it?
Um...
Donald Trump's? *laughter*