♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR HAPPY FRIEND, MR. JON BATISTE.
JON, YOU LOOK VERY, VERY HAPPY RIGHT NOW.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
( SCATTING ) ♪ T IN THIS WORLD WITH A LOT OF
PROBLEMMED ♪ OH, MY GOODNESS, I'VE GOT A SONG
IN HIGH HEART RIGHT NOW.
I'VE GOT A SONG IN MY HEART.
>> Stephen: I WAS REALLY MOVED.
I WAS REALLY MOVED TO SEE THE BIDENS LAND AT ANDREWS.
LIKE, IT'S REAL, IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, MAN YOU.
>> Jon: YOU KNOW IT'S HAPPENING BECAUSE WE PUT IN THE
WORK TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Jon: AND IF WE KEEP PUTTING IN THE WORK, IT WILL CONTINUE TO
GET BETTER.
AD THAT'S WHAT I'M BELIEVING.
I'M STANDING ON THAT.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I APPRECIATE?
THE MEMORIAL CEREMONY THAT HE AND FUTURE FIRST LADY HELD TODAY
AT THE REFLECTING POOL AT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL TODAY FOR THOSE
WHO WERE LOST TO COVID.
IT'S A SIMPLE, BEAUTIFUL GESTURE THAT IS THE FIRST STAGE OF THE
NATION HEALING.
>> Jon: EXACTLY.
TO SHOW ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND WRENCHANCE TOWARDS EVERYTHING
THAT'S HAPPENED AND NOT JUST SKIP OVER IT.
I THINK WE HAVE A LOT OF HEALING TO DO, BUT THAT'S THE MOST
IMPORTANT STEP AFTER WHAT WE HAD IN 2021.
>> Stephen: JON CAN YOU GIVE US A LITTLE MORE OF THAT HAPPY
FEEL AS WE GO ON ♪ IN THIS WORLD
WITH A LOT OF PROBLEMS ♪ ALL WE NEED IS A LITTLE LOVING
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, FOR YOUR LOVE, MR. COLBERT
OH, YEAH ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
( LAUGHING ) FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF
MY TIME WITH A SNIFTER OF FINE ARMAGNAC AT MY ELBOW, LAYING OUT
THE NEWSIEST, MOST COMPELLING PLOTS, CONSTRUCTING THE MOST
TOPICAL CHARACTERS, AND COMPOSING THE TIMELIEST LYRICAL
METAPHORS TO BRING YOU THE PULITZER-WORTHY MAGNUM OPUS OF A
NOVEL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO POUND A RACK OF BOOTLEG FOUR
LOKO, DEFACE A BUNCH OF CUTOUTS FROM FASHIONS MAGS WITH A
SHARPIE AND SLAP 'EM TOGETHER WITH GLUE STICKS, THEN HIJACK MY
BROTHER-IN-LAW'S OFFICE PRINTER AND RUN DOWN THE TONER, CRANKING
OUT THE DERANGED, UNDERGROUND 'ZINE OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: >> QUARANTINE-WHILE.
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU'RE STILL NOT SURE WHAT TO DO
WITH YOUR LOVED ONE ON VALENTINES, THERE'S SOME GREAT
NEWS: "WHITE CASTLE IS TRANSFORMING
RESTAURANTS INTO DRIVE-INS FOR THE NIGHT," COMPLETE WITH
"CARHOP SERVICE."
THE WAY YOU CELEBRATE VALENTINES SENDS A MESSAGE.
AND WHITE CASTLE IS THE PERFECT WAY TO SAY, "OUR LOVE IS
GRATIFYING IN THE SHORT TERM, BUT I WILL LOSE INTEREST AS SOON
AS I AM NO LONGER HIGH."
IT'S A BIG NIGHT FOR THEM, AND ACCORDING TO A SPOKESPERSON,
"WHITE CASTLE WILL BECOME LOVE CASTLE," BECAUSE THE ONLY THING
THAT GETS YOU IN THE MOOD FASTER THAN A MEAL AT WHITE CASTLE IS
TO BE TRAPPED IN A CAR WITH SOMEONE WHO JUST HAD A MEAL AT
WHITE CASTLE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "OSCAR MEYER IS SEEKING NEW DRIVERS FOR ITS
FAMOUS WEINERMOBILE."
THEY ARE LOOKING FOR RECENT COLLEGE GRADUATES TO TAKE ON THE
ONE-YEAR PAID JOB CRISSCROSSING THE COUNTRY IN THE ICONIC
27-FOOT-LONG HOT-DOG-SHAPED VEHICLE.
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "THANK YOU, MOM AND DAD, FOR WORKING YOUR
ENTIRE LIVES SO THAT I COULD GET A B.F.A. IN MUSICAL THEATRE,"
QUITE LIKE SPENDING A YEAR DRIVING A BEEF STICK LIMOUSINE.■
THE GIG PROMISES ALL SORTS OF ADVENTURE.
IN FACT, ONE OF LAST YEAR'S DRIVERS "EVEN PROPOSED TO HIS
GIRLFRIEND WHILE ON THE ROAD."
BUT IF PROPOSING IN THE WIENERMOBILE DOESN'T FEEL
ROMANTIC ENOUGH, YOU CAN ALWAYS TAKE HER TO THE DRIVE-THRU AT
WHITE CASTLE.
( LAUGHTER )
LIVE UNDER A ROCK, YOU ARE ALREADY ALARMINGLY AWARE OF
GWYNETH PATLROW'S GOOP CANDLE■ç THAT PROMISES TO SMELL LIKE HER
VAGINA.
BUT I'M THE WEIRDO IF I ENTER SOMEONE'S HOME AND ASK, "IS IS
ME, OR DOES IT SMELL LIKE GWYNETH PALTROW'S VAGINA IN
HERE?"
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS.
BUT YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO BUY THE CANDLE THAT SMELLS LIKE
GWYNETH PALTROW'S VAGINA BECAUSE "ONE OF HER VAGINA
CANDLES REPORTEDLY EXPLODED IN A U.K. WOMAN'S HOME."
A SHOCKING STORY THAT THREATENS THE ENTIRE VAGINA-SCENTED CANDLE
INDUSTRY.
ACCORDING TO THE HOMEOWNER, "THE CANDLE EXPLODED AND EMITTED HUGE
FLAMES, WITH BITS FLYING EVERYWHERE."
WHICH IS WHY SAFETY-MINDED CONSUMERS PREFER TO STICK WITH
YANKEE CANDLE'S AUTUMN LABIA.
( LAUGHTER )
RECALLED 762,000 POUNDS OF HOT POCKETS BECAUSE THEY MAY HAVE
GLASS AND PLASTIC INSIDE."
OKAY, BUT THEY STILL HAVE CHEESE, RIGHT?
THE COMPANY IS WARNING CUSTOMERS THAT THE HOT POCKETS CONTAINING
GLASS AND PLASTIC ARE DANGEROUS, THOUGH STILL NOT AS DANGEROUS
AS EATING THEM STRAIGHT OUT OF THE MICROWAVE.
STILL, PRETTY SHOCKING, AND SOME SERIOUS COMPETITION FOR ORE
IDA'S GLASS AND PLASTIC-INOS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THIS IS THE KIND OF NEWS I'M HOPING TO SPEND
MORE TIME THINKING ABOUT IN 2021.
BECAUSE IN WAYLAND, MASSACHUSETTS, "LIBRARIANS ARE
MYSTIFIED BY POTATOES GATHERING ON THE LIBRARY'S FRONT LAWN."
I THINK THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS "ACCUMULATING," OR
"GATHERING" IMPLIES THEY'RE RESPONDING TO SOME SORT OF
PRIMAL POTATO CALL TO ASSEMBLE FOR THE GREAT POTATO UPRISING.
"ARISE, FELLOW TUBERS!
NEVER AGAIN WILL THEY SPRINKLE US WITH CHIVES!"
"THE CREAM MAY BE SOUR BUT OUR REVENGE WILL BE SWEET!"
THE LIBRARIANS HAVE BEEN SHAKEN BY WHAT THEY REFER TO AS "RANDOM
POTATOES."
YES, RANDOM.
THESE POTATOES ARE NEITHER EXPECTED NOR ORDERLY!
THESE ARE TATERS OF CHAOS!
ACCORDING TO REPORTS, LIBRARY "DIRECTOR SANDY RAYMOND FOUND
THE FIRST TUBER MONDAY DURING A WALK AROUND THE LIBRARY GROUNDS.
SHE DISCOVERED THE SECOND WHILE GETTING HER STEPS IN TUESDAY."
THAT'S HOW VICIOUS THIS CRIME IS!
SHE'S TRYING GET HER STEPS IN, AND SOME SICKO IS TAUNTING HER
WITH CARBS!
AND YOU KNOW WE'RE ONLY HEARING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE OF THE SECOND
POTATO.
IF IT WAS ONE POTATO, THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA WOULD
COMPLETELY IGNORE IT.
BUT TWO POTATOES, THAT'S A CLEAR PATTERN OF POTERRORISM.
TO AID LAW ENFORCEMENT, THE PRESS HAS RELEASED THIS PHOTO OF
THE LIBRARY AND THE POTATO-VIOLATED LAWN WITH THE
HELPFUL CAPTION, "ARROWS INDICATE WHERE POTATOES ARE."
THAT'S RIGHT, "ARE"!
LEAVE THEM THERE.
DON'T TOUCH THE CRIME SCENE!
TAPE IT OFF.
FORENSICS ARE ON THE WAY OVER WITH SOUR CREAM AND BACON BITS!
THE LIBRARIANS ALSO STATED, "NONE OF US CAN IMAGINE HOW
THEY GOT THERE."
IT'S UNIMAGINABLE!
OH, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING, "UH, DROPPED BY WALKING OR
THROWN FROM A CAR ARE, LIKE, THE ONLY TWO OPTIONS, RIGHT?"
WELL, SNAP OUT OF IT!
IT CANNOT BE EXPLAINED.
DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER THAT IT COULD BE THE SASQUATCH?
YOU NEVER SEE A PHOTO OF BIGFOOT WITH A POTATO.
NO, WHY?
BECAUSE HE DROPPED HIS SPUDS AT THE LIBRARY!
AND, AGAIN, KEEP IN MIND, THIS STORY IS NOT OVER.
THERE'S MORE POTATO STORY COMING.
>> IN THE PATROL OF FULL DISCLOSURE I THINK I
BECAUSE IF YOU THINK THIS IS JUST SOME FUNNY, ISOLATED LITTLE
POTATO INCIDENT, YOU'RE SHOULD REVEAL
SHOULD REVEAL THAT "POTATO OCCURRENCES" WAS THE NAME OF MY
COLLEGE POETRY SLAM COLLECTIVE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF "OUR FRIEND," JASON SEGEL.