I just did a poll on Twitter and I asked two questions.
Which of these, according to marriage research, actually continue happiness, contentment,
and growth in a marriage?
Is it A, doing small efforts, small actions of committed love for your partner every day,
or is it B, having a lot of money, a large bank account or being famous?
The answer, according to the Twitter poll as well as research, is of course A. small
actions of love each day.
Whether you’ve been in lockdown with someone you just met up with and you’re living together
or maybe you’re in a long distance relationship or maybe you’ve been together for a long
time and you’re asking, you come in for therapy together, doesn’t quite feel right,
but you’re asking you know if we just continue with this what’s our long term vision look
like; are we a good couple; are we not?
Well, when I get these couples in, and I do; it’s fascinating, many times when I get
a client they’ll continue to come back once every two weeks and I’ll assign enrichment,
work that’s also on my website.
Basically, we go through things and we’re building for a future, right?
Not only a future in marriage, but a committed, fun, happy commitment and future, so that
takes work.
If you’re sitting with your partner or maybe you’re working and you’re considering
the person you’re with ,like, how do you know?
I’m going to run through some things that I think are worthwhile and the first one is
one I mentioned in the beginning.
Does your partner work to make you happy?
Since that is so important in every marriage research article I have read or contributed
to, it still comes up as the most important thing and what’s interesting is these are
not great, big, extravagant things.
They’re not vacation to Bali or whatever else you had in mind or that diamond you gave
her for Christmas.
It’s more important what you do daily.
If your partner feels loved by the small actions or efforts, you’re making to do things that
matter to them or just to show your thinking of them and your love, that goes a long way
in marriage commitment and happiness.
Secondly, can your partner show you their worse side?
Do you know your partner’s dark side?
Do you know the really shameful parts of your partner, the parts of your partner that they
regret doing or felt incredible shame or are embarrassed about?
If you don’t know those things, then that partner is holding back, they’re not trusting
you fully yet because to share that darker side you need an incredible trust.
That means this is a person that you’re now taking into your inner circle and if you
don’t have that, I’m warning you there’s something else going on with this relationship
and you either have to work on it or leave it, but first you have to confront it with
each other.
Are you willing to compromise?
Is your partner?
There’s an interesting fact that many couples don’t know.
Only ten percent of your marriage arguments are between the two of you.
That’s right.
That means the other ninety percent you bring in from your family of origin, so if you’re
dating someone who has a traumatic past, you know, an abusive family member, it’s interesting
what relationships do.
We go out and we’re magnets for each other.
We’re supposed to heal each other, but if your partner is not confiding in you what
areas they need healing, maybe they don’t know, maybe they’re afraid to show that
vulnerable part, then you’re going to constantly redo what happened in their original home.
They’re going to set that up.
It’s going to happen without you even trying and those fights will never go away, so what
I’m looking for in couples are couples who listen and are willing to compromise.
It’s extremely important.
Are you scared of being alone?
Are you sure this person is more than just a warm body?
Are you sure this is someone that you’re really committed to?
Are you sure your partner is because if your partner is just terrified of being alone,
then that means they haven’t done the underwork?
And that underwork is what’s going to salvage and create a happy union between the two of
you.
I want you to talk about that.
It’s really a great date night topic and it’s something to keep present when you’re
not fighting and when you’re having good times together.
What do you argue about?
What are your arguments consisting of?
Does it always come back to the same thing?
Once again, I have good news and bad news.
Eighty percent of what you argue about is never going to be solved, so if you think
of it like that maybe you’ll both approach it differently.
Like, is this a problem we’re really going to solve?
Most normal, happy couples have at least five areas that I call hot topics and the best
way to deal with hot topics is to accept that your partner feels very sensitive about those
things and they’re not going to bend down those things and don’t try to negotiate
or make them bend down those things.
And lastly, what’s your sex life like?
Are you open with it?
Do you talk about it?
Do you try and please each other?
Do you understand each other?
Do you understand the importance of intimacy that it’s intimacy that is the glue, the
emotional connection, not the physical?
And when you have the physical, do you feel closer intimately, emotionally?
Those are the important things.
So, are you going to last for a future?
Is my vision for you that you’re going to make it?
You’re going to make it if you create it, but you’ve got to let go of these ideas
that there’s a perfect partner out there.
You’re part of that perfect partner.
You’re going to work with them or you’re not, but make sure you know going into it
that once you commit to them, to stay a person of integrity and value.
Don’t promise something that you’re not going to keep.