-Seth, Josh, we have something we'd like to apologize
to you two about. -Okay.
-Both myself and your mother
are currently on Ecstasy.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Well, technically, your father's on moon rocks,
and I just dropped a little bit of acid.
-Okay. [ Laughter and applause ]
You guys are high right now?
-It -- It's the only way we can get through your show.
-[ Laughing ] Okay.
♪♪
-Big Steelers fans.
We're gonna go see the Steelers --
we'll watch the game on Sunday, at the apartment.
But now -- I get asked this all the time,
'cause I talk about the Steelers on the show.
Josh and I barely ever lived in Pittsburgh.
As someone from Pittsburgh, why was it important
that your kids love the Steelers?
-Well, because you were gonna live in my house, and, um...
the notion that I would have a couple Patriots fans
in my house was unacceptable.
And I had to feed you, otherwise --
They put you in jail in New Hampshire
if you don't feed your children.
And so, I felt that, if I was gonna go to that expense,
I should get something for it. -Yeah.
What's your name? -Daniela.
-Daniela. And how old are you, Daniela?
-I'm 8. -You're 8 years old.
Do you have a favorite song?
-No. -Gotcha.
Do you want to hear our favorite song?
-Sure. [ Laughs ]
-♪ I wanna rock right now ♪
♪ I'm Rob Base, and I came to get down ♪
♪ I'm not internationally known ♪
♪ But I'm known to rock the microphone ♪
♪ Because I get stupid, I mean outrageous ♪
♪ Stay away from me if you're contagious ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm the winner, no, I'm not a loser ♪
♪ To be an emcee is what I choose-a ♪
♪ Ladies love me, girls adore me ♪
♪ I mean even the ones who never saw me ♪
♪ Like the way that I rhyme at a show ♪
♪ The reason why, man, I don't know ♪
♪ So let's go now ♪
[ Laughter ]
-Back in my day, there was no legalized medical marijuana
in our home state of New Hampshire.
It was illegal.
And that's why Seth was suspended in high school.
I'm sorry you had to find out like this, Mom and Dad --
and on Thanksgiving, no less. -Seth, no.
-Back in my day, the President's staff
wasn't ratting him out to the FBI.
Josh was ratting me out to Mom and Dad
because he's a kiss-ass punk.
[ Laughter ]
-We've been having so much fun day-drinking in Brooklyn
that we decided to take advantage
of one of our greatest natural resources -- hats.
-Hats.
-Real quick, let the camera know what you think about hats.
-I don't like hats. Hats are [bleep] up.
[ Laughter ]
You two look like the cover of a 1960's Barbra Streisand album.
-Thank you.
-I regret to inform you that the hunt has been canceled.
There has been...a murder.
-[ Gasps ]
Murder?!
-In seventh grade,
you had to write a family history,
which all the kids did.
It was a big year-end project.
And other kids are interviewing
their grandmothers and grandfathers.
And so, we kept saying to you, "How's it coming?"
You'd say, "Yeah. It's coming."
The school year was over,
and Hilary's cleaning out the backpack.
And I come home from work, and she said,
"Here's the family history."
So, I start. I read the first page.
At the bottom, it says, "I can't wait to turn the page."
The teacher wrote this.
So, we flip it. Read the second page.
And at the bottom it says, "What an interesting family."
Now, the highlight of the second page
was that my -- my grandmother, who immigrated from Lithuania,
with about two kopeks to her name --
according to his history, she was an Olympic equestrian.
[ Laughter ]
And anyway...
You know, it's seventh grade. It's four or five pages.
And he comes home that night, and I remember saying to you,
I said, "Well, I read your family history."
And you said, "Yeah, I got an A. It was really good."
And I said, "Yeah, but it's not our family."
And he said, "What were they gonna do, fact-check it?"
[ Laughter ]
-And now, to show off my French,
my mom and I are gonna do a scene
from a French new-wave film.
-[ Speaking French ] -[ Speaking French ]
-But then, you switched up the game,
and you just started buying yourselves gifts,
and then, pretending to give them to one another.
-Yeah. -Right.
-They were so confused.
She would open some present, and she says,
"Oh, I love this!"
And then, I would open it, and say, "How did you know?"
And they're looking at one another like,
"Am I in the right house?"
-Yeah. -'Cause we didn't tell them.
-We figured it out immediately.
It was, like, two gifts in that we were like,
"What's going on?"
-Because you would also -- You would open a gift,
and say how much you loved it,
and Mom would be looking at it as if, and truly,
for the first time. -Yeah.
-She would be like, "What? Oh, yeah. Yeah."
-I remember this one from a few years ago,
which happened in front of my wife and her sister,
and they've never forgotten --
which is, you had labeled -- It was a gift to me.
And I took it out, and it was a sweater.
And you said, "Try it on."
And so, I put on this sweater, and it was super tight,
and it, like, went to here.
And then, I walked out, and I was like "I don't know."
And then, you said, "Oh, that's a dress I bought for your mom."
[ Laughter ]
It was like, "Why? Why did you make me do this?
I'm 38. I'm standing in front of my wife
wearing my mom's dress.
She's never gonna let me hear the end of it."
-You stir this up. -Okay.
-And then, you put it in a 300-degree oven,
and every 15 minutes -- well, you only do it twice.
Two times -- Wait a minute. 10 minutes --
you take it out, 'cause sometimes,
it's getting too crunchy.
However, these are the best bits,
when they're kind of burnt,
and they stick together --
like, the Worcestershire kind of glues them together.
-Uh-huh.
-So, they have a real salty taste.
-Well, they say food's really good for you
if anything looks glued.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
-Okay. So, that's all good.
-Okay.
-So, then, -- Wait a minute.
I've got to eat some of this. -Okay.
-Yeah, that's about it. -Okay, so...
[ Laughter ]
-Right?
-And so, you went to a culinary school to learn how to do this?
[ Laughter ]
-Well, no.
-Josh, the Meyers family has had eight family dogs --
Daisy, Tulip, Bell, and five old English sheepdogs,
all named Albert.
Josh, name my favorite of all those dogs.
-Albert.
-I need a specific Albert.
-Albert -- I'm gonna say Albert III.
-Mom? -Albert II.
-Nicely done, Mom.
Albert II.
Dad, this is not a quiz question,
but do you want to tell everybody, real quick,
why we had to name all of our sheepdogs Albert?
-'Cause I like the name Albert.
-There you go.
[ Laughter ]
Trying explaining that to your friends at school.
[ Laughter ]
We're gonna go in reverse order for the last round.
Josh, what would Mom call a sexy girl?
-A va-va-va voom girl.
-Cassandra?
[ Laughter ]