(upbeat music)
- I was talking to my friend. She's Puerto Rican.
She was like, Rosie,
white women have got to stop wearing hoop earrings.
You guys are appropriating Latin culture.
And I was like, all right, cool. I get it, you know?
Like, your people came up with shit,
but if you want me to get my own identity,
my people came up with appropriation.
(audience laughing)
Like, technically I'm very in touch with my background.
It's like, I will see your hoop earrings and I'll take them.
It's what we do.
It's just hard to tell a white person
to get their own identity.
It's like telling a homeless person to get a job.
It's like, where?
Do I just look at this trail of shit I've left behind me,
see if I can make some connections back there?
So I went through a breakup. I'm fucking killing it.
Batting 1,000, It's my year.
Yeah, I'm good, and yeah,
so let's see, my cat died, my dog died, my boyfriend left,
and oh, and I started fucking a DJ,
which is somehow worse than all three of those things.
Truly, I am unhinged right now.
Like, I'm about to make a lot of mistakes.
Like, forget fucking a guy with a neck tattoo.
I'm about to get one.
It's fun, though. It's fun to be crazy.
I'm being such a whore. It's fantastic.
Truly, I'm so empty inside.
If a man came inside me right now, he could hear an echo.
It is wild.
I've been through too much.
Like, I've just gotten to that point in my life
where it's like, yeah, I'm not gonna, I don't know.
I'm not going to pretend to gag on your dick
like I haven't been swallowing bigger disappointments
since I was born.
I'm 33, I've outlived Jesus.
I'm not going to eat your ass.
Unless it tastes like a book deal, in which case,
we can talk, because that's on my vision board.
We can talk about that.
But this is like why I wanted to get married
to my last boyfriend so bad,
is like, I just didn't want to meet a new person.
I didn't want to date ever again, you know?
I was desperate to get married. Oh my god.
I was just jerking him off
like I was banging on a vending machine,
just trying to shake a ring out.
It was...
It was aggressive.
I'm probably not married because I was jerking him off.
To be honest, I should have blown him more.
It's what my grandma says.
She's a huge whore, my grandma.
I'm just kidding. She's dead.
I have one sister, who's a nurse.
And, you know, I know I was giving
the healthcare heroes shit earlier,
but I do want to say this on her behalf.
Nobody appreciates nurses as much as they do.
(audience laughing)
They're heroes, they are, and they'll tell you.
Now, it's not that what they're doing isn't heroic. It is.
It is a heroic thing,
but it's a bummer to hear about,
and they never shut the fuck up.
Don't ever ask a nurse how her day went.
No, you're going to get a story
that's going to fuck yours up, right?
It will.
I called my sister. Hey, how's your day?
It was pretty rough. Surprise!
I took the bait. I was like, what happened?
She goes, I had to pull the plug on my favorite patient.
Jesus Christ. Your favorite patient.
What do you do to the ones you don't like?
(audience laughing)
She hated that. She was so mad.
Not everything has to be a fucking joke, Rosie!
I was like, no, you set it up.
I feel like I knocked it out of the park.
This was teamwork.
We're both killing.
(audience cheering)
(upbeat percussive music)