Um, hello everybody, uh, welcome to
probably one of the weirdest episodes of the Overly Sarcastic Podcast that you will ever listen to.
So, I just today – like, not even an hour ago – had a lecture on the Ptolemies
and... for the first time ever I felt the need to just *go home*
and... and record it. Because... wow, holy crap, I–
Never has every fiber of my being been telling me
"Blue, just, just sit down and say all of these things."
So I'm a little bit crazy right now because... I'm crazy. Uh...
But I've got my notes in front of me, and I'm just going to try to...
...explain in a way that will not increase your understanding of history *at all,* like, at all, um...
but it should, at the very least, entertain you.
Um, and hopefully you share some of my insanity because...
...uh, yikes. Yeah. So...
Basically, when we talk about history, um, for the most part there's the Greek world, which is before Rome,
and there's the Roman world which came after Greece, and there's this weird...
intermediate part between Alexander's campaigns and the Second Punic War
which was like Greece's last big hurrah and Rome's
first big hurrah, and there's this period of like a hundred and a half years where...
no one really bothers to talk about what's going on and everyone says "oh look it's the Hellenistic world!"
and "yay!" but no one knows what that means, so, um...
Basically, uh,
Alexander had no clear line of succession because he was like, what, twelve?
(Nah, he was, like, 23.) when he died of either alcohol poisoning or poison poisoning.
So his kingdom was basically split up between, uh, his generals.
So there was a kingdom, um, in Macedon, uh, some people in Greece...
uh, people in Egypt where he– he took a little detour on his way through Persia,
and his kingdom in Persia. So, basically, you know, Greece...
Persia... and Egypt were the three kingdoms. And, um, in Egypt was one of his guys
uh, Ptolemy.
Um...
who...
...probably should have died before he had kids because... *wow.*
Yeah, so things get weird.
Um, I'm just gonna... just gonna go for it.
So the first Ptolemy is, um, Ptolemy I Soter, or "savior" in Greek.
And... um...
he's interesting because he
uh, had to straddle this divide between
being Greek and being Egyptian, so you see a lot of busts of him in the Greek fashion
but also a lot of busts of him in the Egyptian fashion – and they don't look at all alike, it's actually really interesting.
And... that's cool. He's... he's fine.
Um...
But, uh, he has a kid, uh, whose name is Ptolemy II Philadelphus,
who, um...
has his name after "love of sibling," uh, "delphus" is "brother" but really it should be,
uh, Philadelphia, uh, which is "sister" because he married his sister...
which is weird to us because we live in a mostly Western world, but in Egypt this was the norm.
So he was basically trying to blend in and show a very Egyptian face to the world and marry his...
sister, which the Greeks thought was very weird, um, and he proudly took the name
uh, "Philadelphus" which means he was, I guess, okay with it, and hopefully his sister was too.
And it's actually kind of funny because clearly the Greeks didn't like this at all. The idea of some
Macedonian going off and marrying his sister. There's one poet whose name I... forgot, it doesn't matter,
who wrote this, this big, um...
panegyric thing, uh, in, you know
ridiculous praise of him comparing him to the marriage between Zeus and Hera because, "oh look they're brother and sister
but it's okay because they're married!" And you can tell he's stretching because,
uh, marrying your siblings is *weird!*
But that's nowhere *near* all that goes on with the Ptolemies because
[nervous laughter]
It's *insane.*
So, next...
uhhhhmm...
Oh, he's cool, also,
uh, Ptolemy II's cool because he started the translation of the, um Old Testament into Greek!
The Septuagint, which means 70...
"gints."
That's not true, it means "books."
So then there's Ptolemy III, uh, Ptolemy Euergetes [Benefactor] who was...
um... a different story, but he was (heh) so mad at the,
uh, Macedonian leader in Greece that he actually funded,
um, a Spartan campaign against this other, you know,
full Macedonian guy, these two are Macedonians who hate each other.
And, um, he took the Spartan king's daughters, and then wife,
uh, as ransom, which is kind of sad but makes for an excellent poem,
um, and I might read that at some point, but, uh, he's...
fun...
I guess. That's really all he did.
Ummm...
And, up until this point the Ptolemies were big players in,
uh, in the Aegean, which is... a fact, and you may think that it's not really too crazy yet
but after Ptolemy III things start to go downhill and then things start to go *really* downhill really quickly,
to the point where I have no idea how on Earth
we got Cleopatra, who was a Ptolemy, from the mess that I'm about to go into.
So next is Ptolemy IV, Ptolemy Philopator [Lover of Father], um...
who is notorious for...
um, killing his mother and brothers, so I guess "Pator" was the only one who was left alive.
Ha ha. Fun. Um...
He was also notoriously, uh,
self-indulgent and had tons of orgies in the palace... all the time. He once had, uh, an affair with, um...
either a brother and sister or a man and wife...
um... I don't know, but it's weird.
Uh, he just ba– He basically banged everything that moved. He's like,
uh, an Egyptian Alcibiades, almost.
And then... things start to go a little more downhill, and we have Ptolemy... uh, V
Epiphantes, which means something in Greek. [Illustrious]
Uh, and by this point Egypt had basically lost all of its Aegean holdings. Just everything, they, th– It was gone.
They were pretty much just confined into Africa...
...uhhmm...
Because they were doing a really bad job of ruling Egypt because they just cared about...
having sex and getting money and power and things.
Uh, I can't even read my notes.
So...
One reason that this guy's actually cool is because he was first made "king," big air quotes, at a very young age
but, like, 12 years later when he became properly king he sent out a big huge decree to all the places in Egypt
that was like, "Hey look! Yay, I'm king now, isn't that super cool?"
And he wrote it in...
uh, Egyptian hieroglyphs, Egyptian Demotic which was the common language, and ancient Greek!
So, some...
thousand... seven hundred years later– no... some–
Oh yeah, two thousand years later, almost on the dot, when Napoleon shows up in Egypt,
he's like, "Oh, what's this giant stone thing? Oh, hey, it's the Rosetta Stone!"
Which is like really the only reason we know anything about Egypt is 'cause we have the Rosetta Stone
And we decoded Egypt based off of the Greek.
So that's... cool, but he–
is otherwise, um, not very important besides he married, um, a foreign princess,
uh, Cleopatra I – *not* the one that you know, it's a different one. Completely relevant.
Uh, she was daughter of some other guy from... Syria, basically.
Um... And then there's, uh, Ptolemy VI, who married his sister...
um, "Philometor," uh, was his name, uh, Ptolemy VI Philometor, he loved his mother...
I guess he didn't kill all the other members of his family, 'cause he married his, uh, sister.
And Ptolemy VI is where things start to go *way* downhill and my craziness and horrible delivery in this video
I'm sure starts to, uh, make itself apparent, so...
Where's the chart? Uhhhmm...
So Ptolemy V and Cleopatra I had...
um, three kids.
Ptolemy VI, Ptolemy VIII, and Cleopatra II.
So, Ptolemy VIII...
was doing his own thing, and Ptolemy VI married his sister Cleopatra – again,
you're starting to see a trend here, surely the gene pool is just getting *devastated* by this.
Um... and...
Ptolemy VI is the one who's in charge,
he's– he's ruling things and Ptolemy VIII doesn't really like this, they didn't get along very well,
because they're both named Ptolemy. It's like, "ehhhhh, I'm VI, you're VIII, I'm better than you, you suck,"
You know, that kind of stuff. So,
Ptolemy VIII goes over to Rome. He was like,
"Nyehh, Rome, help me, I'm dumb and stupid, and I'm a dick king who can't solve his own problems."
And Rome's like, "All right guys, guys, guys, shut... *uuuuuuup.*
So Rome steps in and settles it, they're basically playing the mediator here because Rome is,
after the Punic Wars, powerful enough to do pretty much whatever it wants and it realizes that Egypt is just a *mess.*
They send a letter to someone, I don't know or care who, that basically says
um, "Egypt is such an amazing country. It has so many people,
it's so rich, it's so fertile, if only it was ruled by *decent kings,* they'd be so powerful it would be insane."
Uh, but obviously they're not because these kings, uh, like I said care more about having sex and money and things...
um, than actually... ruling... anything.
I– I was thinking in the middle of this class,
I– I talked about the Borgia like it was the most insaaaaane thing,
but, no! No! The Ptolemies are every level of worse, and I'm not even done yet.
So, Ptolemy VIII, uh, who's called "Physcon"
which is "fat" – I feel like that wasn't the name that he chose for himself
– poor poor old Ptolemy VIII gets kicked out by Ptolemy VI, who brings in a foreign king
uh, uh, Antiochus IV, who's from, uh, Syria, he's one of the Seleucid kings,
and they co-rule together for a little while, and then Rome steps in, is like "Wha– What the hell are you doing?"
"No, this is insane you, you go get out of here."
Rome is basically like the, the annoyed uncle who has to babysit the kids while the dad's away at work,
the dad being Alexander who died, like, 100 years ago at this point.
Actually, hm– no, no, 200 years ago.
Yeah, so anyway, Rome steps in and says, "All right, you, foreign king, get out of here."
"Ptolemy VIII, you're good, you can come back."
"Uh, but, you guys, you, you Egypt people are, basically,
um, in our faith," uh, "in fidem" is the Roman, uh, the Latin words.
So then after that mess, um, Ptolemy VI... dies...
and...
his sister (and wife) Cleopatra II then marries Ptolemy... VIII.
Who, again, is also her brother.
So she's married one brother, and now she goes to marry the other brother after the first one dies.
So that's...
okay, but it gets, uh, worse because, uh, Ptolemy VI...
and Cleopatra II had a daughter, Cleopatra III...
so...
Ptolemy VIII, who's in charge, now has...
a– a wife who's his sister and a stepdaughter who he
ALSO MARRIES
which causes *lots* of problems – and the inscriptions are hilarious because you see
this pharaoh and *two wives* behind them.
He– he described one as the, uh, the "sister wife" and one was the, the "marriage wife."
Which doesn't... make it... better?
(sigh) It just still makes it weird.
And, um...
(tsk) yeeaaaaah,
so when you have two wives,
um, who are basically made to... compete and happen to be... mother and... daughter, uh, they start fighting,
uh, and about 131, uh, AD (that's the most history you'll get out of this entire podcast is that there was a civil war of sorts)
uh, and then Ptolemy VIII...
runs off to Cyprus with Cleopatra III, the daughter, the younger one...
And I think now is just a good time to– t– to take a step back and do a little check up on what's been happening.
So we have a line of kings, twicely inbred
um, and one who, uh, married his sister,
after she married her other brother who was also king,
and then their daughter became the new king's wife
who's the second wife after his sister, and they're fighting each other,
and the...
king takes his niece, who he's married to,
and... runs...off...
to... Cyprus... and then, plot twist!
Now, getting back to the story, the, the mother,
uh, Cleopatra II, had a child with...
(oh, God damn it) Had a child with, um...
uhh... dehdedeh[???], what's his name, Ptolemy, Ptolemy VIII
uh, and this guy's Ptolemy VII, who's named Ptolemy VII because historical records didn't clear up until after everyone figured out what the names were,
um...
so he was born later or something, no one really knows, and...
Cleopatra II sends Ptolemy VII, little baby Ptolemy, over to,
um, Cleopatra III and... her...
uncle – and husband – uh, Ptolemy VIII,
and Ptolemy, uh, kills him?
And chops him up into tiny pieces and sends it back to Cleopatra II on her *birthday.*
Sssooooooooo...
Yeeeah. (chuckles uncomfortably)
Just, uh, nothing like opening up a dismembered body of your child for -- for your birthday.
One for each candle – oh, ho ho, oh, that's dark. That's dark. I'm going to forget I said that.
Plot twist, that joke was funny, I'm keeping it in.
So, um, yeah, that happens and then, um...
Second? Third? Tenth? Plot twist is,
Cleopatra III, the niece, and her uncle-husband,
uhhhm...
Ptolemy VIII come back to Egypt, and the three of them... live in a happy family again?
And since Ptolemy VIII feels really bad about murdering his son, they decide to elevate him to a lesser god rank.
Um...
So again, we're back to the "two wives, one king,"
uh, setup with, uh, mother and daughter
um, plus brother/uncle, and they're, they're doing the thing,
uhhhhh, and then...
uh, Ptolemy VIII dies, and then we're stuck between...
two kids, uh,
Ptolemy IX and Ptolemy X,
um, after Cleopatra II and III are the only ones left.
So they're arguing over which one should be king, and then Ptolemy IX becomes king,
uh, 'cause he was, like, older or something – I don't know, I don't care, it doesn't matter, it's *funny.*
So then he marries *another woman named Cleopatra,*
And then she *dies.*
And then Ptolemy IX marries *ANOTHER other woman named Cleopatra.*
And then when *he* dies,
SHE
MARRIES PTOLEMY X!!
[blue.exe has stopped working]
[muffled] What the *hell?!*
[Blue is officially devoid of any sanity he once had]
Guys!
Now, that's where the lecture ended because we ran out of time,
but honestly, riddle me this, how the hell do we get from *that* to Cleopatra,
arguably the smartest woman in the ancient world?
Because– I, I'm Googling this right now, uh, here, look–go on a ride with me.
Um, [typing] Ptolemy... X.
Cleoooooo... patra.
[aside] Um, this is the weirdest video you will ever see on this channel. [That's a lie]
Actually no, there was the April Fools video, that was pretty funny.
[normal voice] Um, okay, so Ptolemy X...
died in 88 BC...
aaaaand Cleopatra was born...
in...
69 BC, so...
Between, like, *triply inbred* child Ptolemy X...
to Cleopatra...
there was a span of, like, 30 years– 20 years. That's it.
And we get from, from this mess
to Cleopatra.
How?! How?! Oh, I–
(sigh) I need to stop but, like, good *Lord.* That's the most insane history I've ever *seen.*
This is the legacy of ancient Greece. Ancient Athens is like, "Yeah! We're going to be so cool!"
"We're going to rule over all the Greeks and Macedons like– LOL, nope just kidding, it's *us!*"
And then Alexander *dies* drunk at a party,
and then THIS S**T happens!
NO!
[Pull it together, Blue. It's okay]
Um. Thank you very much for tuning in to the, uh, 12th episode of the Overly Sarcastic Podcast.
Um, I need a drink, and I will see you all later! (chuckle)
For a reading of philosophy.
On Friday.
[aside] yaaaaaaaaay