Speaking of swallowing stuff…
Is this an intervention?
Say goodbye to my little friend!
Where did that even come from?
I'm sorry, this is about me. I should have led with that.
One day, you will walk again.
If not, I will build you legs.
This is Fabiola Torres,
captain of the high school Robotics Team.
And this is Eleanor Wong,
president of the Drama Club.
This is worse than if it were happening to me.
In protest, I shan't use my legs either.
Guys, sophomore year
is going to be our year. I can feel it.
Sophomore actually means "wise fool" in Greek,
so it could really go either way.
Oh my God. I just realised this is our last first day
of sophomore year we'll ever have.
I'm gonna cry.
Right. This reminds me of a problem
I want to talk to you guys about.
We're not cool.
Uh, would a not-cool person wear…
one dangly earring?
Was that a choice
or did you lose your earring on the bus?
I didn't ride the bus.
I rollerbladed.
You look like an Indian Kardashian.
Thanks, Fab, but I thought we were dressing hot today.
This is my boys medium polo instead of my usual large.
-The janitor said-- -No, just no. Stop.
Well, I know I did a good job.
Get a load of sexy flapper girl.
My grandmother died in this dress.
I know you're upset
and I wronged you and I'm sorry,
and I don't expect you to just forgive me.
So, I stayed up all night
and I made a photo montage
of our entire friendship set to John Legend's All of Me.
It's all good. I forgive you.
Okay, well, with your permission,
I'd still like to play it. It took a long time.
You know you sound like a sociopath, right?
Sociopaths get shit done fast.
I left a funeral
to be by your side after Nick Jonas
married an Indian woman that wasn't you.
That was very hard on me.
That's it, it's over. I'm giving up acting.
Say goodbye to my little friend!
Hope you enjoyed that
because that was my final impression.
That's all, folks!
Okay, that was my last impression.
You're so lucky. You have a perfect family.
-We are not perfect. -Yeah, you are.
It's not like you have a huge lie
threatening to tear everyone apart.
Actually, I do.
Oh my God.
Do they not know you switched to AP Latin?
They don't know…
that I'm gay.
What?
I'm gay.
I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner.
I honestly just realised.
Don't you dare apologise to me.
Really?
I love this for you.
And I love this for me. Finally a gay friend.
It really fits my brand as a theatre wench.
Oh my God. So much of you makes sense now.
Like when you said your ideal man
was James Corden in Cats.
Damn. Fab, are you wearing a leather jacket?
Yep. Eve took me shopping.
Look at these zippers.
Some don't even come with pockets.
Is this an intervention?
I don't sniff Sharpies anymore.
That was just one tough week.
Dude. You've missed eight robotics practices.
You're the captain, robots are your whole brand.
Yeah, Gears Brosnan is your emergency contact.
I guess the lies sounded better than my real life.
They always do.
That's why on my acting resumé
I say I know how to ride a motorcycle.
It makes me sound more mysterious.
But what happens if you get a part
where you have to ride a motorcycle?
Speaking of swallowing stuff…
Not sexual. Let me finish.
Also not sexual.
Quick question.
What would you do if you saw your mom in a car
with another man but it seemed romantic?
What? She's cheating on my dad?
-No, no. Your dad's dead. -What?
I'm sorry, this is about me. I should have led with that.
Malcolm sucks, and you deserve someone better.
You deserve Daniel Day-Lewis
making his wife live with him
in character as Abraham Lincoln.
My ideal.
I guess Paxton just wants to be friends.
Maybe it's for the best.
His penis is too big.
Yeah, he was wearing grey sweatpants
the other day at drop-off.
My mum rear-ended a bus.
Guys, my mom has made up her mind.
We're definitely moving.
Well, India is at the cutting edge of robotics.
My robot Gears Brosnan has friends in Mumbai,
so we'd come visit you.
Me too.
I heard you can make a great living in Bollywood movies
playing the evil American.
So I figured out my mom's Netflix password
and turned off the parental restrictions.
So, now we can watch movies
with bad words and butts and stuff.
Tonight's gonna be so lit!
Everyone having fun at my slumber party?
Absolutely. I can't believe you rented Chicago
and let me sing the whole way through it.
And I really enjoyed programming
your family's universal remote.
Thanks, El, for bringing all the dresses over,
but it's not very utilitarian.
Like, where do I put my TI-84?
In a drawer at home.
I think I might be sort of…
-dating Paxton. -What?
Where did that even come from?
I was trying something.
When you're old and on your deathbed,
whose naked body do you wanna be picturing?
On my deathbed, wouldn't I be thinking
about my kids and grandkids and stuff?
No. That's a myth.
No candlelit dinner?
No rose petals in a little trail
leading to the bedroom door?
Where he's arranged more petals in a giant heart
on his California king bed?
If it wasn't obvious to you before,
these two girls are both virgins.
You're gonna have hospital sex
like on Grey's Anatomy.
Try to do it upright in the supply closet.
I don't think I have access to the supply closet.
Fine, then just do it in the morgue.
I'm not gonna do it in the morgue!
Do what in the morgue?
Steal bones.