happily ever after
only exists in fairy tales
yet a talking teddy bear is about to
marry his girlfriend
i now pronounce you teddy bear and wife
let me kiss the bear
proving that americans don't give a crap
about anything
so i got some big news tammy lynn and i
are gonna have a baby that's awesome
wait how do you guys we uh we need a
sperm donut
what is that what are you doing getting
ready dude when are you getting ready
what are you
what are you doing with your hand i'm
doing this for you so when i get in
there i can just bust it out
well you think you're a red lobster hey
johnny you did it right here buddy
catch what's up dude that's somebody's
kid fight's a
dude it's in my eyes i'm blinking
it in oh
wait wait i'm gonna take a picture and
post it on facebook what hashtag gir
monday
oh my god teddy look at this it says if
we want to have a baby you're gonna have
to prove you're a person in a court of
law
this is a nightmare we gotta fight it
we'll get a lawyer and we'll sue the
government for your civil rights
i'm samantha jackson who must be ted uh
yeah samantha jackson
what's your middle name leslie oh my god
you're sam l jackson
that's great to me just like sam l
jackson
who is that you ever seen any movie ever
he's the black
they've guy you the same rights as
everybody else just because you're
different can you get me my life back
ted do you believe you have a soul
what did you think i would do
at this moment objection
the important thing about being a human
is making a contribution to society
where the hell's my coffee you're not
building rockets figure it out a prick
20 bucks i could toss a cookie crisp
into that guy's ass crack do it i'm
gonna do it
oh my god who did that sir i apologize
for my five-year-old child
bad butch you sit there and eat your
fish nuggets
all right i'm going to ask you a few
test questions now you're ready yep
bring it on do you consider yourself to
be human
objection sustained no the witness
cannot be overruled by guilty
speculation
briefcase disregard in my chamber stop
beaver on the witness i rest we could
totally be lawyers
you