There's a lot of threats toward families and marriages. Divorces one of those. How
do you save a marriage from divorce? Let's talk about it. One of the popular
definitions of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different
outcome - right. We can't keep doing the same thing and expect that things are
going to change. In a marriage, if you see some of the same patterns repeating over
time, which you probably will. It probably suggests that it's time for you to
change your view or change your do. It's up to you. I came up with that all by
myself - fancy. Change your view or change your do.
It's up to you. The thing that needs to change typically starts with the way
you're viewing it or what it is that you're doing in that relationship. Vicki,
do you remember years ago, I went to a seminar by Dr. John Gottman to learn
more about relationships and how they work. He quoted some research. Actually he
did the research - yeah, he had a whole study. Huge study where he found that
roughly 70%, just wrap your head around that for a minute.
70 % of all the problems or conflicts in a marriage are unresolvable.
Unresolvable. I never get thinking that's really depressing to me. I share that with some
of my clients and they're like, "Oh, what's the use?"
Aha - right? And others are just relieved. They're like, "Oh, we're not so weird after
all." There's a lot of reasons for that that we won't get into on this
particular video. Well, let me give an example because I didn't understand that. It
just it blew my mind but it's like things such as you are a morning person
I am not - yeah. 31 years of marriage that's still true.
So that's kind of like a conflict in a way but it's unresolvable. So tell
what the research led to the fact that... Well the interesting thing that
really grabbed my attention from this particular research is that this is true.
The 70% number is true of miserable.
Highly conflicted. Headed for divorce couples. It's also true of happy,
well-adjusted stable satisfied couples. No difference in the number of
unresolvable problems that these two groups are having. You can't even
distinguish between those two groups based on that metric - right. That one
doesn't do it. So that if that goes back to your little saying about change your
do - change your view or change your do, it's up to you -yeah - now interesting that
that number is true of both of these groups. So obviously there's something
about what the group in the miserable side of the the equation is doing versus
what the successful happy couples are doing. Do you remember Vicki I came home
and I shared this research with you and you summed it up beautifully. Do you know
what I'm referring to there - yeah, it came from something I'd been listening to it.
You said basically you want to do more of what works and less of what doesn't. You
know, when you're dating, you know what's working with the other person is what's
you know the kinds of things that help them, that that endear you to them and
that makes me happy. And you do lots of that when you're dating and for some
reason sometimes when we get married, we kind of stop doing what works. We do more
what doesn't and that is a road for misery - exactly. I remember when I
interviewed Dino Pinder. He's from the Bahamas and he has this beautiful
Caribbean way about him. It's like, "No worries mom." Right? And he's in this
interview he said you know what, if people would do more of what it takes to
get married, they would stay married. It's just like what you said. Do more of what
works unless what doesn't. Let's get really clear about what's on either side
of that - okay - because if you're going to save a marriage from a divorce or
anything else that could destroy a relationship, you have to do more of what
works unless what doesn't. So let's talk about what doesn't work - what doesn't
work. Dr. Gottman identified 4 things... It's it's like a 4 part negative
cascade - okay - that sends us into that miserable side of the equation. He called
it the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. If you like that imagery. It
starts with criticism. The criticism doesn't have to be real or intended as
long as it's perceived it works. So consider that. Criticism leads to
defensiveness. As soon as you feel, I feel criticized I put up my defenses. It's a
natural reaction. If you feel attacked you're going to put up your shield.
Right - right. The third step - contempt. Contempt is kind of like defensiveness
turned hostile. So you got your shield up and then you draw your sword - aha -
Trying to get some counter-attacks in there. It usually sounds like, "Well, you
know... right? Like we're still in junior high and then the fourth one -
stonewalling. Stonewalling is a word Gottman used to describe a more
permanent form of defensiveness. It's like building up a stone wall, turning
away from each other instead of turning toward each other. Become an isolated
from one another - right - and when this is present in a relationship, it predicts
that we're going to get a little farther apart that there will be a separation
and he brags in his book that he can predict divorce. Yeah, the high level of
accuracy. Here's the thing that gives us some hope because and we didn't share
this with you to alarm you because probably this is going on in your
relationship. It is in most. But becoming aware is the first step - yes -
so you want to become aware. Anytime you're feeling any of those
emotions or reactions just kind of track that. Notice it - notice it and see what
you can do to change it. And Gottman pointed out if you're not willing to
change it. If this is the habitual way you deal with your conflicts and you're
not willing to change it, it's statistically going to drive you apart, okay?
And that's why it's so predicting. So what does work? Okay, let's talk about it.
Principles, natural laws. There are 9 that I have found particularly powerful.
In fact, I would be willing to guarantee them. In all of my years as a
psychologist, I have never seen anything in a relationship, in a marriage that
couldn't be resolved with the proper application of these 9 principles.
With the caveat that you apply these principles to your own behavior.
Yes - because remember, you know this goes back to what do you control and what
don't you control. You do not control your partner's behavior or the way they
see things. So we got to go to what we do control that's mine. These million
principle, thank you Vicki because these 9 principles are for personal use
only. It's the only safe way to use these particular power tools - okay - so without
spending a lot of time on each one. Here's the 9 principles and if you
want a deeper dive into them, there's other videos that we focus on different
principles here. Number 1 - positivity. Positivity. Okay. Does that ever come up
on our channel here? How you view things makes a difference. Remember you can
change your view, you can change your do, it's up to you.
Positivity. The second one - common values. Get back to the why of this relationship.
Why did you come together in the first place? You had some good reasons, didn't
you? Yeah you want to return to those whenever you're in question. This
establishes a powerful common ground that will help you to get the hard stuff
handled and if you don't have a strong enough why you're going to have a hard time
with the hell. The next one is humility. You know you have to be willing to admit
that you are wrong. That you're that you got teachable -oh- I know it's so hard. But
you know that goes a long ways when I approach you in humility - absolutely. I
like this definition. Thank you that humility in the sense
that we're talking about it here is giving up your need to be right - mm-hmm -
in exchange for being open. I remember hearing a saying, "You can either be right
or in a relationship." You know when you're constantly, constantly vying to be
the one who's right, your relationships will suffer every time. Brett Williams
appeared on this channel with me. He's the author of a book called You can be
right or you can be married. Which is another twist on that. Humility. Closely
on its heels is the next principle -forgiveness. Forgiveness. Here's a
definition that I've come to like about forgiveness. Forgiveness is giving up
your demand for a better past. Yeah - wouldn't that be great if we could let
the past go? Sometimes our conflicts are about, "Well
you did this or that." - right - you know I'm bringing up filled history and not
letting it go. Not letting other people change - mm-hmm - because they can. The next
principle is respect. Now this goes we've talked so much about respecting
ourselves and others and things but the respect the way that you interact with
other people, you need to do it with a sense of respect. And I just can't go,
can't stress often enough. We as humans are trained to read and other humans...
Other human beings. We're professional at that. I mean babies can
read their mom and dad's faces. They can read emotions. So no matter if you think
you are hiding, your contempt or your feelings - probably not - probably aren't - it's
either in the way you're saying something or the way you're not saying
something. So you need to approaches the relationship and the person with respect.
The language is only part of it. That there's also body language, there's
there's subtle, micro expressions, there's an energy that we carry - right - and you're
right. You can tell, right? You can tell. If people are faking it. They're like, "Oh, I
really like you." Maybe it's more subtle than that. But you get what I'm talking
about because you pick up on it and there's an energy about it. The next one
is love. Okay, sometimes people misunderstand this. They think that love
means, "Oh I have all of these fond feelings." Yet sometimes it means that but
love is so much more than a feeling. It's a choice. It's a... Well you shared this
with me recently. It's a declaration - yeah - of intent - yeah, I like that when you say I
love you it's not only telling them how you feel about it but it is actually a
declaration that I will always act in a way that has your back. I love you.
That's awesome. It's a choice and if there's only two choices love or hate,
you're usually better served by the love always better served by the love. Yes,
compassion. That's the next one - mm-hmm - you know the root of the word compassion,
passion is about suffering and that surprises some people but if you look at
like the passion plays in Europe around Easter time, it's about the suffering of
Christ in that particular context. Suffering. What are you willing to suffer
for? Are you willing to sacrifice and suffer for this relationship? I think it
also has something to do with kindness and compassion - yeah - and being able to
put yourself in an empathic position to understand and care how someone else
feels. The next principle is work. You know a lot of things can be solved if
you get beside each other and work together for the common good.
You know I've seen a lot of conflicts in marriage where there is a misconception
that you're working for different ends and once you really come down and
piece it out you find out that you actually have the same goal. If you can
get behind the same goal and work together towards it but work really
brings out a sweetness in a relationship that doesn't happen without it. And
default is down. this is true if you park your car on a hill and take off the
brake. It's also true in a marriage. If you are not working on it, it's probably
going to go down, not up. Elevation requires effort or work that's
why it's one of the principles. And then finally, wholesome, recreational
activities. And may I point out that this one includes 3 words. All 3 are
important. The bulk of my practice is with a very conservative, religious
community and sometimes they delete the middle word - recreation? - yes. Wholesome
activities. I'm like people, lighten up. Have some fun. Yeah you need to be... You
need to have fun together and you know when we go back to what doing more of
what got you along the path of being married. Usually
you had fun together - right - you enjoyed each other's company. So do some fun
things together and there are other people who delete the first word. I have
been to Vegas. There are a lot of recreational activities you could engage
in that are not helpful to your relationship. So let's use some
discernment and judgment. The wholesome recreational activities. Vicki you
pointed out an insight about this word recreational which contains within it.
Something that suggests re- creating - right - Ca n comment about that? Well I was
listening to a specialist. She was a psychologist that really dealt with
marriage. Saving a marriage after infidelity - yeah - one of the biggest
things she said is most people adult people will have gone through 3
adult relationships in their lifetime. And you're thinking, what? I don't want to
go through 3 marriages and she said the trickiest when certain things happen
and marriage you know people change, things change, you recreate the marriage.
You don't give up on the partner but you sometimes you put aside the marriage the
way it was you know go back to that forgiveness in you and you recreate the
marriage and you start a fresh, new relationship with the same partner. So
this is a way you can help save your marriage from divorce. Go ahead and
recreate a new marriage with your partner. Unfortunately, some of the
mindset around this is almost disposable as it relates to a relationship or a
marriage and it might be easier to just get a divorce. It would be hard, it would
require work and compassion to save that marriage and make it work.
I've told some of my clients a similar thing Vicki I've said you know what you
need a new marriage. Oh keep your spouse but get a new marriage. Recreate it in a
way that's powerful and you can save a marriage from divorce. We hope you found
this helpful and that it can help you to save your marriage. We have a lot of
other resources that you might find helpful go and look on this channel
under the playlists positive relationships.