[ Theme music plays ]
-Hey, just a short one today.
I know we're all upset when they're not longer.
But we can only correct the mistakes we make.
If we don't make a ton of mistakes,
we can't do a long "Corrections,"
because we're not -- I'm not -- ever gonna pad this out.
Okay? [ Laughter ]
Because if "Corrections" is about anything,
it's about integrity, and we're never gonna do that.
I would argue, there's nothing
on TV that I've seen
that has more integrity than "Corrections."
It should be noted, I don't watch a ton of TV.
It's just so...
It's all so woke.
[ Laughter ]
We talked a lot about the documents
that President Biden kept next to his Corvette.
Did a joke about Ferris Bueller
stealing his Corvette.
A lot of you said, Ferris Bueller
stole a Ferrari, not a Corvette.
Sure, but if Cameron's dad only had a Corvette,
I think Ferris Bueller would have seen that.
I don't think it was specific to that kind.
I mean, would Ferris not have gotten on the float
if the songs weren't
"Danke Schoen" and "Twist and Shout"?
Look, I get how this happens, right?
You guys see a mistake, and you race to your computers.
"Actually, we're already at our computers."
O-O-Okay!
[ Laughter ]
But [Sighs] you gotta...
slow down sometimes.
Okay?
Life moves pretty fast. [ Laughter ]
And if you don't stop and look around once in a while...
[ Laughter ] ...you miss it.
[ Light laughter ]
Alright, we had a joke -- a California man
recently got out of his car to take a phone call
and returned to find the vehicle had been crushed by a boulder.
I think we have a picture of the guy.
Showed a picture of Road Runner.
Joke works, by the way.
No complaints in the audience.
[ Light laughter ]
But then a bunch of you said, "You know,
wouldn't have been the Road Runner's car
that got ruined by the boulder.
Based on the mythology of the Coyote and Road Runner,
it probably would have been the Coyote's car
that got crushed by the boulder, not Road Runner's.
One person, though, said something
that really stuck with me.
He made that argument and said the Coyote's car
would be destroyed by the boulder,
and then the Road Runner would come over
and say whatever obscenities they had to meep out.
[ Laughter ]
Which I never in my life considered.
[ Laughter ]
I thought the Road Runner was saying, "Meep meep,"
but now I'm realizing it was Warner Bros. censoring
whatever obscene thing.
So, this is what you would normally see.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Whistle ]
[ Thud, clatter ]
-Meep meep!
-And so we went -- We sent our researchers out...
[ Laughter ]
...to find an uncensored --
again, didn't even know it was censored --
the uncensored original version of that same scene.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Whistle ]
[ Thud, clatter ]
-Back up!
[ Laughter ]
-[ Clears throat ]
We oft make jokes about how Vladimir Putin
is prone to defenestrating his enemies.
And we made a joke about someone
falling out a fourth-story window.
Someone wrote that a fall from a fourth-floor
wouldn't kill you. Studies show, eighth floor
is what you need to be sure.
And I believe that
because our offices are on the eighth floor.
But when we started our show, NBC offered us
far more beautiful, sprawling, modern offices
on the fourth floor.
And I remember, I didn't understand why at the time.
I remember Shoemaker saying, "That's not high enough."
[ Laughter ]
I did throw a little shade last week at people
for not knowing how to spell the name Shoemaker,
because it is in the credits every night.
And then a bunch of you pointed out,
"We only watch 'Corrections,' and there are no credits
in 'Corrections,'" which is very fair.
But, you guys, you gotta watch the show on NBC.
[ Laughter ]
Just turn the volume down. Put it on and go to bed.
That's all that matters.
[ Laughter ]
[ Clears throat ]
MGM lion roar -- looked it up.
Somebody said it. Looked it up. It's true.
Since 1980,
it's actually been a tiger roar,
because tigers have fiercer roars.
And so this was a decision that was made by, you know,
whatever MGM's, I guess, Mike Witzer is.
Um, so, let's -- You get --
So, here's the roar. Let's take a listen.
[ Lion roaring ]
And I, of course -- I'm no expert
on this sort of thing, but I was told,
if you could slow it down, you can hear --
you can tell that it's not a lion.
Let's take a listen.
-[ Slowed down ] Rowr. I'm a tiger.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Sucks lips ]
Mentioned a mid-century credenza,
and, um, a bunch of furniture heads...
[ Light laughter ]
Somebody literally said,
"I don't know what century that is."
[ Laughter ]
Look, if you want to sit down and write something
about the verisimilitude
of a credenza's date of construction,
you don't have to.
[ Laughter ]
Talked about the rewrite we got
on a really good Amelia Earhart joke.
And then someone talked about how they had --
There's a couple of Amelia Earhart statues.
There's one in North Hollywood, and somebody wrote
a very long comment about their friends --
them and their friends watching it get built
and having no idea who it was while it was getting built.
And now I think it's also at Purdue University.
But they said it's remarkable
this is what they went with for Amelia Earhart.
So, that's the statue of Amelia Earhart.
And I will say, based on what happened,
it seems weird to make a statue where she's holding
part of the plane that should definitely be attached.
[ Laughter ]
[ Clears throat ]
"Jokes Seth Can't Tell" -- I've never noticed this.
The opening graphics, a piece of tape
goes over my mouth, but it is the sound
of tape getting pulled off a mouth.
Take a look. [ Up-tempo music plays ]
♪♪
[ Tape tearing ]
We found a solution, though. Let's take a look.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
-[ Roars ]
Tape going on.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sucks lips ]
This next one is a little tough to talk about.
Um, yesterday's mono.
[ Inhales deeply ]
We had this joke "and finally."
"And finally," by the way, when that's in the joke,
that means it's the closer.
So that -- there's no joke coming
to sort of clean it up.
"And finally, the world's oldest known person,
a French nun, has reported died at the age of 118.
And I got to say, I'd feel pretty bad
if I was the one who bought her that skateboard."
[ Light laughter ]
That joke did not go well. [ Laughter ]
And obviously, it's always tragic --
To explain ourselves,
it's always tragic when someone passes away.
I would argue, it's the least tragic
when that person dies of natural causes
at 118 years old.
[ Light laughter ]
I mean, the last few years,
you could even argue they're just showing off.
[ Light laughter ]
But the mistake was, guys,
that I cannot defend,
uh, we showed a picture.
[ Laughter ] You can't --
You can't show a picture.
I mean...
how in God's name
did we think a laugh was forthcoming
when we put that up...
[ Laughter ]
...for the audience to see?
[ Clears throat ]
[ Sniffles ]
I'm not gonna say who wrote that joke,
but I am gonna say that when I told it,
I was... -♪ Shot down ♪
[ Singing indistinctly ]
-Raised Catholic.
[ Laughter ]
P.O. box [Clears throat]
Sometimes it's great.
Maya knit this for me.
Wrote a very nice letter.
"Here's a draft that you can have."
That's the sort of reason we have the P.O. box.
Meaningful gifts
that can be added
to our menagerie of lovely things.
This is the kind of thing, I can't stress enough,
I don't want any more.
Talked about Mac Tonight.
We talked about how distressing I find Mac Tonight.
This is a piece of original art
that once I have seen, I can't unsee this.
Like, what is this even...
[ Laughter ]
What are you trying to say? Are we the same person?
Is his evil inside of me?
[ Laughter ]
When he goes on a rampage...
[ Laughter ]
Is that blood on mine hands?
[ Light laughter ]
Do I turn into him...
unknowing to myself?
Does the transformation begin
every time I see half a wolf?
[ Laughter ]
That joke's gonna wax on you.
[ Laughter ]
Well, [Clears throat]
like I said,
it was a short one this week.
And we do not pad.
Not now, not ever do we pad "Corrections."
So you will see me next week.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
Don't show the... -Meep meep.
-...picture!
[ Looney Tunes theme music plays ]
♪♪