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- Hello and welcome to (scratchy sound) Therapists Say.
I'm Jonathan Decker, licensed therapist.
- I'm Alicia Decker, CEO of Mended Light
- Its come to my attention
that not all therapists are top shelf
and not all therapy is good.
Has this been your experience?
- It's true.
- Yeah, some of it is rubbish.
So we reached out to our mentor-like community.
What is the worst advice
you've ever received from a therapist?
And the very number one pick was?
- Sex will fix everything.
- What the hell does that even mean?
- Take me to bed or lose me forever.
- Why would people say that?
Why would a therapist of all people,
What is that mentality?
Where does that come from?
Cause I would never say that.
So I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around it.
You said you'd had crap therapy before.
Think of that crap therapist.
And why would they say something like this?
- Well, I think it comes from a couple of different issues.
I think it comes from oversimplifying
and putting really gender really broad, general stereotypes
on typically male needs and female needs.
Right. And that there are those out there
who believe that first off sexual relationship
is something you're entitled to.
And it is something along with that entitlement
because you are entitled to it
it is a need that has to be met.
And then on the far end of the spectrum
there's those individuals who use it
as manipulation and coercion.
- Yeah, absolutely.
I will withhold right or I will punish.
And some of you are watching
at home right now saying, well, sexuality is a need.
And I would argue that in a healthy committed relationship
where both people have sex drives that's true,
but let's not put the cart before the horse.
You talk about gendered stereotypes.
I see the idea is that men need sex.
We just need all the sex.
And then when we have sex,
this tender loving side is going to come out afterwards.
What really happens is dudes fall asleep, but whatever.
And then the other stereotype is that women need love
and need affection in order to feel sexual.
And it's treated as a men are from Mars.
Women are from Venus and this is just how they are.
Have you experienced that to be true?
- I think it more has to do with the personality types
and the innate needs of the individual.
But to simplify it down to a male or female needs
there's so much more to that.
I mean, I know from being a stay-at-home parent
and being with kids all day and meeting
what feels like a dozen different people's needs,
maybe it's only five and being touched all day and holding,
you know and having to hold and care for
and pick up like, by the end of the day,
I'm all touched out.
(Jonathan laughing)
Don't touch me.
- Don't talk to me.
Don't touch me.
- No touching
- I have come home from work before
and I've been gone from her and the kids
and I'm excited to see them all.
And I leaned in to kiss her and she's like, not yet.
(Jonathan laughing)
I'm like, I just wanted a kiss.
Hello. But, but you know, what's great is later on
when like you're ready to actually give it
it's beautiful and it's sincere.
And I'm you know
we're talking about reversed roles here.
I'm definitely someone who needs to feel loved
safe and respected in order to feel sexual.
Otherwise it just feels kinda cheap.
And so, but this idea sex will fix everything.
There's a kernel of truth in that.
Not that it will fix everything
but that sex can be healing.
That in a healthy committed relationship
where there's trust and closeness
that if you know, if we've had a fight
or an argument and you know, make-up sex, it's a real thing.
- How dare you kiss me?
- And it's bonding is beautiful.
And the bonding hormones that are released the oxytocin
and the basil present are meant to unite us
and are meant to join us.
And so sex can be healing.
Sex can be bonding
but in and of itself, it doesn't fix everything.
Now, I think this mentality comes to where I've heard it is.
Oh, well, your husband is being rude
and condescending and entitled.
I mean, often husband, but it can be wife
but your spouse is being rude and entitled and condescending
and self-centered, but it's because they feel rejected
and they feel unloved and they feel unwanted.
And if you would just, you know,
I don't this is the expression used.
This is not me.
But if they say, if you would just put out,
right or if you would just make yourself sexually available
then all of this would just kind of magically go away
and I don't buy it.
Do you buy it?
- No, because that puts on the like
let's say I was being brewed and grumpy-
- This is hypothetical - And condescending (laughing)
because you were not sexually available.
Right. That doesn't make me responsible for my behavior.
That makes you responsible for my behavior.
- Right. That's the idea like I can make you happier.
And you're like, yeah, I see what you're saying.
The idea would be that you are outsourcing
your free will and your responsibility.
That I'm responsible for your happiness and your behavior.
And if you are rude, like the way I see it
and I know you see it the same way
we all are responsible for our own behavior.
I don't get to blame what I say
or do on the other person and say, well, you did this.
And if you didn't, if you hadn't done that
then I wouldn't have said X, Y, or Z.
It may feel like that.
It may feel very cause and effect.
I'm just responding to you.
But the only way relationships work is
if each person is accountable for themselves.
And so the way I see it is it's two separate things.
If you say, or do something and I feel hurt
or offended or rejected, then your behavior is one thing.
But I still choose my response.
And I don't get to just blame it all on you.
So the problem that I see with the notion
that sex will fix everything is that
if you are feeling unloved, if you are feeling unsupported
if you are feeling alone,
the example I often use is people come into my office
and I've had this happen where
I do one-on-one interviews with couples.
I break, I split them up and talk to each one at a time
so they can kind of speak more freely.
And the wife says, "My husband just sees me as his whore.
He just wants me to have sex with him.
That's all I'm here for,
is so he can come home and have somebody to sleep with."
She says, "I feel detached.
I feel like he doesn't care about me.
He doesn't support me.
He comes home.
He watches sports.
He takes his dinner.
He doesn't do dishes.
He doesn't do cleanup.
He doesn't do garbage.
He doesn't help put kids to bed.
I've been working too.
And I've been taking care of kids.
I've been doing all of this and he doesn't touch me.
Unless he's trying to start something.
He doesn't just hold me.
He doesn't tell me he loves me.
He doesn't tell me he misses me.
Doesn't tell me I'm beautiful.
He is in his own little world all day.
And then we get into bed and he's like, "Hey baby."
And my response is rollover.
This isn't happening."
So this is what the wife tells me.
And I've got this picture in my head
of the husband being kind of a dirt-bag
who just wants to use his wife and doesn't care about her.
And then I get the husband in for his one-on-one
and he will start breaking down crying.
And he'll say, "My wife doesn't love me.
She doesn't want me.
I feel so rejected, hurt, and alone."
I think he's been socialized
that sex is the way that he can show love.
That's the acceptable way for him as a man to show love.
(exhaling)And he thinks the problem is that
she's sexually unavailable.
But the problem is all the things that she listed.
She feels alone.
Like she doesn't have a partner and she feels used.
So this is what-
- So she has her needs that aren't being met
that are different than his needs.
And in response he has other needs that are aren't being met
that are different than her needs.
- But here's the problem with sex fixes everything.
What if I, as a therapist told her,
well you just need to start having sex
with your husband and things will get better.
They wouldn't get better.
All that would happen is that
he would think things are hunky-dory
and that he can just
keep on keeping on the way he's been.
And that she must be happy because she desires me sexually.
His needs are met and he's completely oblivious
to how alone and hurt she feels.
The problem with sex fixes everything
is it puts the cart before the horse,
because if he goes in and he works on the relationship
if he's communicating with her, his affection
if he's being as supportive as he can and sharing the load
if he's connecting with her and he helps her to feel loved
if he does dishes, if you put his kids to bed
if he's active and involved and engaged
he's probably gonna have a different result
when they get into bed.
- Right
- And so this is why you don't....
Sex doesn't fix everything.
Fixing the relationship tends to fix the sex
because even if the sex isn't frequent or if it's not great
if we are able to communicate
if we're able to be open and honest
if we're able to be humble and accountable and responsible
and make changes, then that extends into the bedroom.
- You should be kissed in often.
And by someone who knows how
- Absolutely. And it's worth bringing up that
we don't have these conversations about healthy sexuality.
It's either the extreme, the very Puritan conservative view
that sexuality is bad or not something you do or--
- And reserve solely for marriage.
And not only is it reserved for certainly for marriage
but we can have sex, but we just can't talk about it
because we don't speak of such things.
- Right.
Cause it's secret.
(Jonathan laughing)
And then over on the other end
you have the examples of unhealthy sexuality
of hypersexuality that objectify people that use people.
- Yeah I mean,it's--
- That's often portrayed in pornography or other extremes
- Pornography erotic I mean we have either.
We don't talk about it
or we it's all out on display, but there's no...
We have very little healthy relationship modeling
and healthy sexuality modeling
of just being able to talk about it, candidly.
And that it's an extension of a real connection.
It's an extension of trust and intimacy and partnership.
We don't see a lot of that.
So we got to create that.
We've got to create those conversations.
I have so many couples who can have sex
but they can't talk about it.
Or their sexuality is very free and open
and it may not be especially connected to connection.
And there's lots of areas in between that.
So sex doesn't fix everything
sex in and of itself doesn't fix anything
except maybe the temporary urge to have sex.
- So often there is a component of not being able to talk
about sex and also not having
a foundation of healthy sexuality
and having to build that or rebuild it
if it were, you know, in your marriage and your partnership.
So what are three ideas, three key things that can be done.
if both individuals don't feel safe, love and respected
- I would say the first thing is to recognize
that there are some people who have very low sex drives
or who are Asexual.
And there are some people
who withhold sex to control or manipulate,
but we overestimate how much that happens by and large,
if there's not a sexual connection is because
there's not a relationship connection.
And so the very first thing to do is to work
on your communication and your conflict resolution
because that is to carry into all aspects
of your relationship, including your sexuality, right?
Mind your anger, stop and calm down,
identify what you're really feeling.
So you can express that vulnerable emotion.
I'm scared, I'm hurt.
I'm afraid I'm overwhelmed.
I'm sad.
And try and see things from the other person's perspective.
When you do that, you can start
to have open communication about anything.
And what's really, so that's the first thing
is to work on conflict resolution communication.
- And speaking about things of a sexual nature
are naturally incredibly vulnerable.
- Oh yeah.
Yeah. But that's the power of it is when you are vulnerable
with somebody and then that is rewarded
and it actually is a productive conversation.
It reinforces, we can talk about anything
and we actually are best friends and it takes some risk
and it takes some getting over the awkwardness of it.
But the second thing that I would recommend
is to speak, frankly, and candidly,
there are no born lovers
at least that I know of.
I imagine there may be people who come onto the scene
understanding exactly how to please another person
but the fact is what your partner likes,
what they value and not even just techniques,
what feels good but also the emotional component.
Do I feel safe?
Do I feel respected?
Do I feel loved or do I feel cheap and used?
These are conversations to have because what works
in one partnership won't work in another
what's adventurous to one, couple
is degrading to another couple
or at least to another half of a couple.
Right? And you don't know
unless you're having those conversations.
And the third thing is to embrace
the imperfection of the sexual experience,
our bodies aren't perfect.
I've got a little sniffle right now this morning
our son got into the car and he was terribly gassy.
It stunk so bad. (laughing)
Do you remember
like our bodies don't always work the way we want them to.
And that extends to sexuality.
And yet in sexuality, there's this mindset
of it has to be mindblowing or it's not
or we've done something wrong.
But the fact is sometimes things go awry speaking, candidly
sometimes men don't get hard
or sometimes they don't stay hard.
Or sometimes they ejaculate too early
or sometimes women have a hard time, you know
with lubrication or with arousal or achieving an orgasm.
There are so many things that our body being imperfect.
There are so many things that could go sideways
on us in the sexual experience that
if we panic or feel like this was a terrible failure
then we put this added weight and pressure of
we really got to do this right the next time.
Whereas if we can laugh
and just enjoy being close to one another
and then kind of circle around for the next go round.
- Well, and I've heard you talk about
this as the good enough sex model.
- Yes Barry McCarthy is it's called
the good enough sex model couples
who are hyper-focused on having amazing sex
tend to not have amazing sex couples who are focused
on having good enough sex
which is about enjoying one another.
Enjoying the intimacy, the affection, the closeness
and being responsive to each other's cues
recognizing that sometimes things will go wrong
end up having amazing sex way more often
than people who like it's got to be good.
It's gotta be good.
And so it's all about relaxing.
It's all about learning.
It's about saying, oh, this wasn't the best time.
So what are we going to do differently next time?
So with that in mind, statistically speaking
a lot of you are probably struggling with feeling safe
respected, and loved in your relationships.
I wanna direct you to our video.
What attachment theory can teach you about love
and relationships, which we'll go down that rabbit hole.
But for now this has been (scratchy sound) Therapists Say
sex will fix everything,
- Except it doesn't.
- Yep. That was(scratchy sound) going to say
it's not true, but communication connection,
working through things together.
That's the rub.
- Perchance to dream Ay that's the rub
(laughing)
- So until next time, if you enjoy what we're doing here
please share like subscribe, pass this along because
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So we want to know what terrible advice have you gotten
from a therapist?
Let us know in the comments below
- Let us know below the relationship between connection
and intimacy for you.
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- Yeah. Like a high PG low PG 13
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What do I think about that?
I think it's a whole lot( scratchy sound)
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