BACK TO "GUTFELD!"."
>> Greg: GOOD EVENING.
I’M GERALDO RIVERA.
[LAUGHTER]
NOT TREATING THE WAR LIKE EVERY
OTHER STORY: ENTERTAINMENT.
HERE, WE MAKE THE NEWS
ENTERTAINING, PERHAPS BETTER
THAN ANY SHOW THAT CAME BEFORE
IT, LARGELY DUE TO ME.
COMPETITION ON CNN -- FUN AS
CRABS, NOT THE ONES DELICIOUS
WITH --
NOW, WE RUN HEADFIRST INTO DAILY
ATROCITY, AND I DON’T MEAN
FACING THIS ON THE CAT IN THE
HALLWAY.
UKRAINE IS LORD, AND UGLY, WITH
GRIM IMAGERY AND RELENTLESS
HORROR STORIES.
THE NEWS HAS A STANDARD
NARRATIVE.
GOING OFF THE TRACK, GOD HELP
YOU.
OTHER ISSUES DEMAND THE SAME
SOLEMN TREATMENT: ICES, PANDEMIC DEAF CALLS,
A KAMALA HARRIS SPACE.
WHAT MORE THAN PASSAGE OF TIME?
>> Vice President Harris: THE
PASSAGE OF TIME.
WHEN HE WAS THINK ABOUT IT,
THERE IS SIGNIFICANCE TO THE
PASSAGE OF TIME, AND SUCH GREAT
SIGNIFICANCE TO THE PASSAGE OF
TIME.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Greg: SHE IS TRULY A
NATIONAL TREASURE, IF I TREASURE
YOU MEAN EMBARRASSMENT.
BAD NEWS BECOMES RELENTLESS.
I GET YOUR TWEETS SO I
UNDERSTAND, BUT THE NEWS
DICTATES THE MOOD.
IT’S LIKE MASS SHOOTINGS.
WE REPEAT THE SAME 90 SECONDS OF
INFORMATION, BECAUSE IT’S ALL WE
HAVE.
IT’S NOT THE RECORDER’S FAULT:
IT’S THE UNPREDICTABILITY OF THE
EDITORIAL LOOP.
CITY, SHOOTER, DAD, REPEAT, AND
THEN THE MEDIA TURNS INTO ITS
CIRCLE OF SELF-REFLECTION.
THAT’S WHERE I COME IN, THAT’S
MY JOB.
I FIGURE THE NEWS IS 30 MINUTES
TOTAL, THE SAME TIME IT TAKES JIMMY FAILLA TO STEAL A JACKET
JIMMY FAILLA TO STEAL A JACKET
FROM A HOMELESS TRAMP [LAUGHTER]
CABLE NEWS NEVER CLOSES, AND
WITHOUT BOZOS LIKE ME THERE
WOULD BE SILENCE.
WHEN I WAS A KID, NEWS WAS
30 MINUTES IN THE MORNING, WE
CAP AT LUNCH, 30 DURING DINNER
UNLESS SOMETHING BIG HAPPENED,
LIKE THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION,
THE LANDING, OR MARCIA BRADY
GOING BRALESS -- WHO COULD
FORGET THAT?
[LAUGHTER]
WE WOULD SHOVEL SNOW YOU
NEW YORK DONKEY AROUND.
CNN CHANGE THAT.
WE HAVE THE SAME QUANTITY OF
NEWS, BUT HAVE TO ADD A
HAMBURGER HELPER TO FEED A
FAMILY OF 300,000,008 CNN SHOWED
IT WAS POSSIBLE AND HOW IT COULD
DESTROY A COUNTRY.
PLAY THE GEORGE FLOYD VIDEO TWO
TIMES LOWER PER MONTH AND YOU
COULD UNDERMINE THE FABRIC OF A
COUNTRY MORE THEN FORWARD
DISINFORMATION.
WHY LOOK FOR GOOD NEWS WHEN YOU
CAN BID WATCH OLD MOVIES OF THE
WORST MOMENTS OF YOUR LIFE?
ONE NEWS STORY BECOMES A POTATO,
WHERE YOU CAN FIGURE OUT SO MANY
WAYS TO PREPARE, FRIED, BUT
USUALLY HALF-BAKED.
FIRST, HE REPORTED, BUT THEN HOW
IT AFFECTS THE ECONOMY, CLIMATE,
THE DISADVANTAGED, THE CHILDREN,
THE ECONOMIC CLIMATE FOR
DISADVANTAGED CHILDREN -- UNLESS
UNDER BIDEN.
THEN, TURN IT BACK ON THE MEDIA,
MY SPECIALTY.
AS THE MEDIA REPORTS THE STORY,
WHAT ARE THEY SAYING, OTHER THAN
ITS TERMS FAULT AND YOU ARE
RACIST, SEXIST, AND HOMOPHOBIC
HOMOPHOBIC -- MARK WE ARE SO
HIGH ON THE SMALL OF OUR OWN
FARTS, BAKED BEANS ARE AN
APHRODISIAC.
THAT’S DISGUSTING.
[LAUGHTER]
POOR CHARLIE.
IN WAR, WE GET SERIOUS AS IT
GETS UGLY, WE DROP THE HUGE
SEGMENTS, COME IN WITH
BREAKING NEWS GRAPHICS.
NOW, NEARLY A MONTH OF THIS
NIGHTLY COME AGREEMENT ROUTINE:
BOMB STRIKES, REBEL, REFUGEES,
THE DEAD, RINSE AND REPEAT.
WE CAN’T DO MUCH ELSE, BECAUSE
NONE OF US HAVE REAL INSIGHT,
EXCEPT FOR BRIAN KILMEADE, AND
THAT’S ONLY BECAUSE HIS MALE
PATTERN BALDNESS IS IN THE SHAPE
OF BELARUS.
[LAUGHTER]
SOMETIMES, IN MY JOB, I RUN
ACROSS STORIES THAT SEEM TOO ON
THE NOSE, SO WE USE STORIES LIKE
REPORTEDLY, LIKE A RACIST WHO
FINDS A RACE IS NOT UNDER HER
SEAT, AND AFTER BEING BEATEN UP
BY TRUMP SUPPORTER’S AND I,
OR -- LOSING HIS LAPTOP.
THAT STORY TURNED OUT LEGIT,
WHICH IS WHY THEY TRIED TO
SUFFOCATE IT LIKE ROSIE
O’DONNELL SITTING ON A CHIHUAHUA
CHIHUAHUA.
[LAUGHTER]
THERE ARE OTHERS OUT OF UKRAINE:
THE JET BUYER AND RUSSIAN JETS,
SAILORS REFUSING TO SURRENDER.
THE ONLY THING REALLY KNOW IF --
WAR IS BAD, AND THE LONGER IT
GOES, THE WORSE IT GETS.
SADLY, IT MAKES A GREAT MANY
SERIES, THE GREATEST SHOW ON
EARTH IF YOU ARE LUCKY TO LIVE
HERE AND BINGE WATCH IT LIKE
NETFLIX.
THE MOST IMPORTANT, IT PROVIDES
IS THE DASH OF BAD TV NEWS: WHEN
IT BLEEDS, IT LEADS.
THAT MAKES ME WONDER WHERE IT
LEADING ME.
I HOPE, SOME PLACE ELSE OF THE
DAY ON WORLD WAR III.
[APPLAUSE]
TONIGHT’S GUEST, THE ONLY TIME
THIS PRESS SECRETARY STRETCHED
THE TRUTH WAS CLAIMING TO BE
5 FEET TALL. [LAUGHTER]
"AMERICA’S NEWSROOM WAS," "THE
FIVE," AND WITH A NEW BOOK
COMING OUT, DANA PERINO.
HIS HAIR IS DENISE NIGHTMARE, NO ESCAPING HIS LUSCIOUS
LOCKS HIS HAIR
IS HOUDINI’S NIGHTMARE: NO
ESCAPING HIS HAIRS LUSCIOUS
LOCKS, CHARLIE HURT.
HE’S GOT THE PERFECT WARDROBE
FOR RADIO, FOX ACROSS AMERICA
HOST JIMMY FAILLA!
LIKE A PIECE OF IKEA FURNITURE,
BARELY HOLDING IT TOGETHER.
[LAUGHTER]
FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR KAT TIMPF!
I’M SO EXCITED.
I HAVE DANA, DRESSED IN HONOR OF
A CIRCUS PEANUTS.
CHARLES, YOUR TIE IS REMINISCENT
OF RED GUM.
>> Charlie: YOU KNOW WHAT
HAPPENS WHEN YOUR MOTHER GIVES
YOU A TIE?
YOU WEAR IT.
>> Greg: TO ME, YOU REMIND ME
OF A BLACK-AND-WHITE TELEVISION
WE HAD.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU ARE RUPERT PUMPKIN.
>> Jimmy: I LIKE YOU WITH
BLACK-AND-WHITE FACIAL HAIR.
>> Greg: I COULDN’T SHOWER
BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE HOT WATER.
I STINK AND HAVEN’T SHAVED.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
>> Dana: WHY DON’T YOU CHECK
INTO A HOTEL?
>> Greg: WHY DON’T YOU MIND
YOUR OWN BUSINESS?
[LAUGHTER]
CHARLIE, I HAVE NOT TALKED TO
YOU IN AGES, YOU ARE DOING GOD
KNOWS WHAT.
HOW DO YOU THINK THE MEDIA IS
DOING COVERING THE WAR?
>> Charlie: FASCINATING
MONOLOGUE.
>> Greg: THANK YOU.
>> Charlie: IT BEGAN WITH THE
GULF WAR ONE CNN SHOWED US THE
FIRST WAR ON TELEVISION.
YOU COULD SIT THERE -- I
REMEMBER I WAS IN COLLEGE AT THE
TIME WATCHING FOR LITERALLY --
>> Greg: ME TOO.
>> Charlie: -- 48-50 HOURS OF
THE TIME.
"GET UNDER THE DESK."
WE COULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT AN
EXPERIENCE IT WAS.
THEN, FAST-FORWARD WHATEVER IT
IS, 30 YEARS TO WHERE WE ARE
TODAY, AND IT’S BECOME ALMOST
LESS REAL IN A LOT OF WAYS, EVEN
THOUGH WE HAVE A LOT MORE
ABILITY TO PRESENT THE TRUTH AND
PRESENT WHAT’S GOING ON.
IT’S BEEN CORRUPTED IN A LOT OF
WAYS.
IT’S BECOME ALMOST A HOLLYWOOD
VERSION OF IT ALL, AND YOU WIND
UP WITH THINGS LIKE FRENCH
PRESIDENT EMMANUEL MACRON
DRESSING UP LIKE VOLODYMYR
ZELENSKY FOR DECK SELECTION,
BECAUSE -- THE CHARACTERS HAVE
BECOME MOVIE STARS ALMOST.
>> Greg: I FORGOT ABOUT THAT,
YES, EVERYBODY IS FULFILLING A
ROLE: THE VILLAIN, THE HERO,
SUPPORTING PLAYERS.
>> Charlie: I’M NOT SURE IT’S
GOOD FOR THE TRUTH, AND MOST OF
ALL, NOT FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE
SUFFERING AND DYING.
I DON’T KNOW THAT WE ARE DOING A
GREAT JOB OF -- YOU WANT TO
APPLAUD THE HEROISM OF THE
UKRAINIANS, BUT PEOPLE ARE
DYING, AND IT’S A HORRIFYING
ASSAULT THAT THEY ARE ENDURING.
YOU’VE GOT TO FIGURE OUT WHERE
YOU CELEBRATE THE HEROISM
WITHOUT EXACERBATING SOMETHING ATOMIC
WITHOUT IGNORING SOMETHING
THAT’S HORRIBLE.
>> Greg: WHEN I SIT DOWN WITH
"THE FIVE" WITH THE LATEST
TOPIC, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS
GOING TO SAY.
THE MORE I READ, THE LESS I
KNOW.
I DON’T KNOW WHO TO BELIEVE, AND
I DON’T KNOW WHO IS WINNING.
SOMETIMES, THEY SAY UKRAINE IS
WINNING, AND I SAY "IT’S ALREADY
OVER: THEY LOST."
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH
IT.
>> Dana: PART OF IT IS YOU GO
BACK TO THE GULF WAR, 1981, ONE
OF THE THINGS THAT’S DIFFERENT
FROM THEN TO NOW, EVEN FROM WHEN I WAS PRESS A CURTAIN
EVEN WHEN I WAS PRESS SECRETARY
TO NOW, 2008 -- THEY ARE MORE
PEOPLE WHO ARE ABLE TO PROVIDE
IMAGES, AND
IT’S NOT FROM CNN.
IT’S FROM PEOPLE THEY ARE
EXPERIENCING IT. FROM
TO ME, THAT’S THE MOST
BELIEVABLE THING.
THEY HAVE THE PHONE, ARE FILMING
IT, THEY PUT IT OUT THERE ON
THEIR FEED.
WHAT’S INTERESTING IS HOW
ELON MUSK HAS PROVIDED THIS
ABILITY, SO THE INTERNET
CONTINUES TO STAY UP.
WE’VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE
EITHER.
THEY DID USE SOCIAL MEDIA IN
ORDER TO TERRORIZE, BUT THIS IS
DIFFERENT WHERE YOU HAVE VICTIMS
RECORDING WHAT’S HAPPENING.
>> Greg: ISIS WAS THE WORSE.
BEHEADINGS.
JIMMY, I WISH YOU A BEHEADING
SOMEWHERE.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT’S A TERRIBLE JOKE.
I HATE WHAT I JUST SAID.
>> Jimmy: I WAS CLAIMING
RESPONSE ABOUT IT FOR THAT BOMB.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Greg: WELL DONE, MY FRIEND.
WHAT YOU THINK SO FAR?
>> Jimmy: YOUR FACIAL HAIR,
YOU LOOK LIKE THE SINGER OF LEAD
BOYFRIEND CALLED "IN MIDDLE
SCHOOL."
I LOVE YOU, YOU KNOW I DO.
I’M CONCERNED FOR EVERYONE IN
UKRAINE. I DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK I’M
I DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK I’M
BEING CAVALIER.
THE ONLY PLACE TO SEE CERTAIN
THINGS WHEN I GREW UP WAS TO GO
AND DO THEM.
IF YOU WANTED TO SEE SOMEONE
FIGHT A STRIPPER, YOU HAVE TO
SHOW UP, GET PAST THE BOUNCER,
AND PUNCH A STRIPPER.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW YOU TYPE IT INTO GOOGLE AND
IT SAYS "DID YOU MEAN A BRUNETTE
OR BLONDE STRIPPER?"
WE HAVE TOO MANY OPTIONS.
IT’S MORE ABOUT DEMONSTRATING
EMPATHY THAN HAVING IT.
>> Greg: WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> Kat: ABOUT THE STRIPPER
THING?
[LAUGHTER]
>> Greg: THAT WAS AN ODD
EXAMPLE.
>> Kat: IT WAS VERY SPECIFIC.
>> Jimmy: I WANTED TO GET OFF
FLOOR!
>> Kat: A LOT OF DETAIL.
>> Charlie: BIOGRAPHICAL.
>> Greg: ABOUT HIS HOLE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Jimmy: NO.
>> Kat: SAYING THESE THINGS,
AS YOU MENTIONED, EVERY SINGLE
DAY NONSTOP, IT CAN CREATE A
EMOTIONAL RESPONSE.
IT’S SUPPOSED TO IF YOU ARE NOT
A SOCIOPATH, BUT IT COMES TO
YOUR EMOTIONS AND THE IMPACT
THEY CAN HAVE ON DECISION-MAKING
OR CERTAIN ACTIONS.
YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT
MAKING DECISIONS FROM AN
EMOTIONAL PERSPECTIVE IN ANY
CASE, ESPECIALLY WHEN TALKING
ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS
WAR, AND POTENTIALLY WORLD WAR
III.
>> Greg: VERY GOOD POINT.
SPEAK A RATIONAL PERSON.
>> Kat: THANK YOU.
>> THE OTHER THING ABOUT THIS IS
WE JUST COME OFF OF FIVE YEARS
OF A PSYCHOTIC EPISODE IN THE
MEDIA, WHERE WE SEEM IN PETAL
PROPAGANDA --
>> Greg: I THINK THAT’S
AFFECTED ME.
I CAN’T TRUST ANYTHING.
>> I DON’T TRUST ANYBODY!
>> Greg: I DON’T KNOW IF I’M
EVER GOING TO GET BACK TO THAT.
MAYBE THAT’S A GOOD THING.
YOU ALMOST MADE UP FOR YOUR TIE.