hey guys welcome back thanks for joining me this week so this week you know every
week when I come up with a new topic really there are a lot of topics that I
personally just want to share with you guys that things that helped me when I
was going through my journey and then I want to share with all of you and help
you through and then there are a lot of times now especially with the channel
growing as fast as it is and you guys sending me lovely comments every week a
lot of the videos that I create really come from you guys and when I start
seeing themes or when I start seeing the same question being asked over and over
again I definitely know it's time to make a video on it because a lot of you
are probably thinking or asking the same questions maybe you're just not saying
them so this week when I was going through my own coaching practice with my
clients and reading your comments a lot of you struggle at times with and it's
something that I struggled with for years is the guilt that you feel when
you say no to someone so this definitely has to do with codependency it
definitely has to do with being that little bit of a people pleaser you know
wanting to make everyone happy and so for this video I want to dive into guilt
so why we feel guilt when we say no where does that guilt come from and how
to overcome the guilt when you do have to say no to someone so I want to start
this video at the beginning so when we feel guilt for saying no to someone so
when we know that we can't help someone and we're not gonna even talked about
getting backlash from anyone we're just gonna talk about the feelings that we
feel when we can't do something for someone when we say no to them when we
feel like we're disappointing someone and they haven't given us any backlash
at all let's just start there where does that guilt come from so when we are
children and we're going through life validation is absolutely huge and it's
something that children need constantly so if you never felt like you were
validated you felt growing up that what you
thought and the things that you think and and how you express yourself and the
feelings that you had about a situation that they weren't validated if your
parents use guilt and shame and manipulation to kind of get what they
wanted from you and if all of those things happen consistently over time
you're going to have this feeling as a child of I must be bad so or I must not
be good enough and that's really where that I'm not good enough comes from and
a lot of us have the I'm not good enough story that plays in our head and that's
why we're able to attract you know abusive and unhealthy relationships into
our lives that's why we never go after the job we really want that's why we
live with insecurities within ourselves and we don't have that self-respect or
self-worth it's all starts with the I'm not good enough story and so that story
was really created in childhood and we didn't need to have severely abusive
parents like I've said before that are raging alcoholics that are addicted to
drugs that beat us that you know you know argued mom and dad constantly
arguing and yelling at each other we didn't have to have those kind of
households in order to get abused using guilt using shame using manipulation
those are all you know forms of abuse over indulging your children that's
abuse giving them too much whenever they want it you know whenever they want
something we just always are giving giving to them spoiling our children
that is abuse so again abuse is very gray it's not
okay mommy and daddy didn't hit me so I wasn't abused okay mommy and daddy
weren't raging alcoholic so I wasn't abused you could have been abused in a
ton of different ways that cause that I'm I'm a bad little boy or a little
girl I'm not good enough story that plays in your mind so all children
growing up up until the age of 8 don't have logic and reason so a four-year-old
doesn't logically know a lot of so for example that's why kids are able
to believe in Santa Claus because they don't logically know that a man flying
on a sled with some reindeer up all night traveling the world that logically
can't happen so children don't have that ability to use logic and reason so
because they don't have the ability to logically question what's happening in
in a situation they believe whatever they see so when you tell a little boy
or a little girl you know you're bad you're fresh you're not nice and that's
constantly the story that this child is playing hearing that's the story that's
gonna get programmed into their subconscious so being mindful of how we
parent our children and mindful of the fact that this is how these unhealthy
things form within ourselves this is why you know we become codependent this is
why we are people pleasers this is why we have insecurities and this is why the
story of I'm not enough keeps playing over and over in my head is because I
wasn't surrounded by parents that knew this information again where does this
guilt come from so if you were if your parents used guilt and shame and
manipulation which at times you know parents did parents do it happens if it
happens enough you then as a child who doesn't have any logical reason so you
can't look at the situation that's happening and saying okay
mom's using guilt on me right now to get what she wants because she needs to
hurry up and leave or you know dad shaming me because he's got his own
issues or whatever or dad's using manipulation on me to get what he wants
because whatever the situation is so kids aren't evil again to logically ask
themselves these questions they just believe whatever it is that they hear so
again if they hear enough that tape starts playing of oh I upset you and I'm
bad so oh I am hurting you because I'm fresh I must have done something wrong
and so again if that keeps playing time and time again they
don't trust what they feel and what they want they just want to not make mommy
and daddy upset because mommy and daddy or whoever it is that they spend the
majority of their time with are God really like when you're a child when you
looked at your parents or the adults around you they knew it all they knew
everything there are no mommy daddy doesn't have any issues kids don't even
know what issues are so they don't know that again no logic they don't know that
well dad's doing this because dad is a nun our sucess or mom's doing this to
dad because she's codependent like they don't know any of this they just think
that that is the behavior that's the model so I just wanted you to understand
really where that guilt or that people-pleasing kind of comes from so
the need to please others comes from not trusting what you want and how you feel
the need to please others comes from I want to make everything okay I want to
make everyone happy around me because that'll make me okay that'll make me
feel better and I'll feel filled up if everyone else around me is filled up and
feels good and that's codependency so the other thing about guilt is a lot of
times when we feel guilt we feel it because we don't want to hurt someone
else we don't want to disappoint someone else so when we don't want to hurt
someone else there's a couple of things that happen number one you don't always
know that you're gonna hurt someone else's feelings you don't always know
that you're going to get backlash you could have gone backlash from this
person nine times out of ten but you still don't know that you're gonna get
it this time around so you're creating a story that says I'm going to disappoint
this person if I say no to them if I don't do you know what it is that they
want me to do for them so you're creating the story that's basically
forcing you to you know let your boundaries down and you know conform to
what it is they want when inside it's not what you want so again number one
you're creating the story that you're going to be disappointing and hurts and
hurting someone else number two is when you feel that I don't want to hurt
someone else what you're doing is you're putting
someone else ahead of yourself and even if someone really needs you if you can't
be there for them if you can't help someone out if you can't do what it is
someone is asking you to do that's okay that doesn't make you a bad person and
you have to really accept that you have to know that number one I'm creating a
story that may not even happen they may not get hurt by me saying no they may
not feel disappointed they may not give me any backlash so am i creating a story
and I don't even know if it's gonna happen yet number two am I putting this
person ahead of myself of what I want and I think sometimes when you're coming
from that codependency place when you're coming from that people-pleasing place
and you've always had guilt for saying no and how do I work through that
feeling where you can really start is knowing that you have to come first this
is just like when we're on the airplane or
you know wherever where you see you have to put your seatbelt on first before you
can help anyone else you have to be filled up so you know when you're being
you feel and you know when you're being selfish versus when you are just putting
yourself first you do know that so it's it's tough I think sometimes for people
to accept that I just need to put myself first and I can't worry about anyone
else I have to worry about myself first and foremost you have to accept that you
were actually programmed by what happened in your childhood and again it
didn't have to be severe abuse here but it still was abusive that you were
programmed to please that you were programmed to then feel that guilt for
saying no and to fear confrontation and to fear you know disappointing others
and hurting others so you were programmed to put someone else ahead of
yourself because as a child you just wanted to make whoever mom dad grandma
grandpa uncle whatever happy because you felt like they weren't happy
and that it was your responsibility why they weren't happy when it wasn't but
again you didn't have any logic and reason to know those things but that was
the message that was that was given to you and that was the program that though
that was then instilled in you you have to accept that you were actually the
victim growing up that you went through abuse that caused this guilt to form in
you and now you have to accept responsibility that you're an adult and
it's your job to change this unhealthy program and unhealthy behavior that
you've been you know playing over and over again maybe even majority of your
whole life so you have to accept that it's your responsibility to start
standing up for yourself that it's your responsibility to even though you fear
confrontation you're gonna have to start standing up for yourself you're gonna
have to start saying the uncomfortable things that you don't want to say and
the more you say them and you assert yourself in a loving way the easier it
becomes because you're loving yourself and
you're showing that hey I'm worth it and I don't fear what anyone thinks or how
anyone feels because if someone feels really hurt and disappointed by my
behavior that really is on them it really has nothing to do with you and
you have to also accept that if this behavior doesn't change you're going to
always attract unhealthy people you're going to always attract manipulative
people you're gonna always attract the narcissistic people because those are
the type of people that smell out they you know they find the weak they find
the people with poor boundaries they they know that you're the type of person
that fierce confrontation that feels guilt when they say no to anyone and you
will be abused you will be taken advantage of that's just life so in
order to you know be in a situation where you no longer attract abusive
people you have to as uncomfortable as it may be at times and it will be for a
while until you kind of create this new program or new habit to be able to say
no and to parent yourself through that so when you do say no and you feel like
oh my god I don't want to disappoint mom or I don't want to
point you know my friend Susie who really needs me you know for a favor but
I can't do it I don't want to do it you have to be able to parent yourself
through that so when the guilt comes up what do you say to yourself do you kind
of agree with that negative ego that's basically saying yeah you're a crappy
friend yeah you're a terrible daughter like look how selfish you are or are you
saying you know what I'm not selfish because I'm taking care of myself I'm
not I'm not a bad person because when someone really needs me I am there for
them but I can't do it right now and that's okay that doesn't make me a bad
person you have to be willing to be okay with
the fact that someone might feel disappointed by you saying no but again
they have to accept their responsibilities and how they feel and
you have to accept that you might get some backlash and again it's an
opportunity to stand up for yourself it's an opportunity to show this person
that you know while you're giving me this backlash that I'm still gonna say
no my answers still no and that's not really changing anything and if someone
really loves you and cares about you and they don't have any internal wounds
they're not trying to manipulate you they won't care if you say no they'll
respect you saying no and they'll say okay well I'm gonna just go ask someone
else been like no worries maybe next time you can help and that'll be the end
of it abusive people will come out when you're not giving them what they want
but healthy people when you don't give them what they want they're okay with it
because they move on just like you would if you asked your friend Susie and Susie
said no would you give her backlash and start yelling at her and being abusive
and trying to shame her a guilt or use manipulation no you wouldn't you would
just accept it and you wouldn't carry on so I hope that this has helped you guys
understand where the guilt is coming from because for me that was always the
most important when I was going through my journey I'm a Y person and I want to
know why this happened why do I feel this way where is that coming from I was
always very curious about these types of things so number one understanding where
the yo comes wrong it really helps you to
kind of be able to I guess take a hold of it and be able to understand that
this has nothing to do with me and this is just an old program that's been
running like my whole life and understanding where that program comes
from is a great stepping stone so understanding where that guilt comes
from and understanding well what do I have to do when I do feel the guilt you
know what are the steps that I need to take and constantly you know reminding
yourself that you're a great human being and you're not a bad person for saying
no it's never a bad thing to put yourself first because no one in the
entire world can take care of you the way you're supposed to be taking care of
yourself and you have to when you get to a really great place in your life a
happy place is when you take responsibility for that statement and
you accept it and you know it and that no matter what someone else does
it won't play a factor in your mood your energy your vibration so again I hope
that that has helped you guys if you are interested in one-on-one coaching I will
link that down below as well as social media don't forget to leave any comments
or questions in the comment section below and don't forget to give this
video a thumbs up if you liked it and I will see you next week