- Joan, your face is like the war in Iraq.
An expensive, bloody mess
that everybody's tired of seeing on TV.
- You took a last week and Rock Hudson came out.
(upbeat music) (audience laughing)
- Now, a lot of people are going to joyously say
a lot of terrible things about you tonight Joan,
but as the saying goes,
sticks and stones may break your bones,
but at your age, you could actually break a hip, taking a.
(audience laughing)
When Joan was born, the doctors took a look at her and said,
holy shit, we're gonna make a fortune on this one.
Then they got on the Mayflower and set sail for America.
(audience laughing, clapping)
Our Joan started out in Brooklyn as little Joan Molinsky.
You know my Joanie, Jewish girls are supposed to grow up
and marry doctors, not support them.
Joan is not an Orthodox Jew,
but men still (beep) her through a sheet
so they don't have to look at that face.
(audience laughing, clapping)
Joan, can we talk?
My guess is you don't have much of a sex life anymore.
The only people you're screwing these days
are your customers at QVC. (audience laughing)
By the way, I got the earrings on. I got the earrings on!
I got the earrings on. Joan River's collection, I love them.
Joan, look, you know I adore you.
You're an inspiration to me.
You have made it possible, certainly,
for every female comedian to work.
You're a trailblazer.
You're the first and last woman in the history
of network late night to have a show.
You put "The Red Carpet" on the map.
Nobody watched "The Red Carpet" before Joan.
You put that whole thing on the map.
(audience applauding)
You got a fantastic career.
You're famous all over the world.
And no matter where you go or who you meet,
everyone says the same thing your gynecologist said
the first time he took a look at you.
What an ugly (beep)!
(audience laughing)
- Kathy Griffin. You know what you are, darling?
You are a thief. Yes, you stole my act.
You stole my gays and you stole the face of the Burger King.
I am not happy with this.
(audience laughing, applauding)
- Joan has been in show business for 50 years
and still going strong.
Joan has had her face on more red carpets
than an Irish lesbian, ladies and gentlemen.
(audience laughing)
Joan, and I know this is a fact.
Joan has (beep) more old Jews than Bernie Madoff.
(audience laughing, clapping)
Most of you know that Joan,
she sells beauty products on QVC.
I don't have a joke for that.
I just think that it's hilarious in a tragically ironic way.
So much for truth in advertising, huh, Joan?
Joan's face has been lifted so many times
that when she sneezes, she has to blow her (beep).
(audience laughing)
See, you could have said that, Carl.
You can come back up here and say blow a (beep).
Joan's face has been lifted more times
than Bristol Palin's prom dress, can we say that?
(audience laughing, clapping)
Joan, you're a great comic.
And I just want to thank you
for letting me be part of this tonight.
You are truly a legend in your own time
and I know that deep down, you have a very, very warm heart.
Your only original part left and Joan,
I know in a different time, maybe in a different world,
that you and I could have had a shot,
if only I was into necrophilia.
(audience laughing)
- Brad Garrett, Brad, you have the nerve to criticize me.
The only thing lower than your show's rating
is Call Reiner's balls.
Show him, Carl! (audience laughing)
Wake him up!
- I'm actually surprised to see all of these people here,
because Joan, you're not well liked.
(audience laughing)
You've been called bitch more times
than a white guy serving a life sentence.
(audience laughing)
Actually, Joan, there's no point in trashing your face
because your surgeon already did that for us.
(audience laughing)
By the way, loved you in "Saw".
(audience laughing, clapping)
Your face doesn't move!
I can't believe they haven't hired you
to host "New Year's Rockin' Eve".
(audience groaning, clapping)
In closing, what do you call a woman
who's broken down barriers for female comics,
a comedian who's entertained us
and our families on TV for years?
What do you call an icon, a beloved icon
that's part of the fabric of this country?
You call her Carol Burnett. (audience laughing)
- Robin, you were supposed to be in class.
That's why we booked you. Oh my God.
What you said was so true, Gilbert about the father.
Oh, oh!
When you do "The Howard Stern Show",
every time there's a break,
she goes, oh, my father molested me, my father molested me.
Take a good look at yourself, darling.
Let me tell you something.
You should be thrilled
that that man paid any attention at all.
(audience laughing)
I saw you naked backstage, bitch.
You look like a (beep) mudslide.
I don't need to talk about you.
(audience laughing, clapping)
- Joan, you are one irritating Jew broad.
The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off.
(audience laughing)
What have you done to your upper lip,
did you blow a beehive?
Holy shit.
You look like Steven Tyler (beep) a life raft.
(audience laughing)
Seriously, you're not the only one here,
all of these rubber face monsters.
What the (beep)?
What goes into people's heads out here?
Why? Did you really?
Really? Is that good?
How much worse could your real face look
than that clown mask you've had welded on your head?
(audience laughing)
You used to look your age,
now you don't even look your species.
(audience laughing)
You once said you succeeded
by saying what everyone else is thinking
and that's not true, it's not true.
I never heard you say, holy shit,
what the (beep) did I do to my face?
I look like a surprised catfish.
Joan, you really are an absolutely incredible talent.
You're absolutely hysterical.
Every comic I know respects you.
That's the God's honest truth.
Everyone thinks you're hilarious. I think you're the best.
And at your age, you're still relevant, still cool.
And shit, you even got a boob job just a few years ago.
Your every man's dream.
And by that, I mean every man
that dreams of titty (beep) a crocodile.
(audience laughing)
- When they said to me,
Greg Giraldo is gonna be on the show,
I said, who the (beep) is Greg Giraldo?
And then I thought this is wrong.
And I went and I Googled you.
And you know what Google said?
Who the (beep) is Greg Giraldo?
(audience laughing, clapping)
But I thank you for coming.
- I Wikipedia'd you today.
Did you feel it? (audience laughing)
Anyway, there are pages and pages and pages
and among all of this,
her real dream was to be a serious actress.
And you know what happened?
It's really, it's cruel, it's cruel.
She walked on the stage and they started to laugh at her.
She was deadly serious
and people have been laughing at her and laughing at her.
If we wanna do her a big favor, we'll stop laughing at her.
(audience laughing)
She wanted to do Joan of Arc.
I would love to see Joan burnt at the stake, wouldn't you?
(audience laughing) Wouldn't you?
Anyway, my last word,
and this is a word I have never, ever said anywhere.
And I heard it tonight and I'm gonna try to say it.
I really, very hard for me to say
who was brought up with the Hayes office
and all those censors.
It's the word for vagina.
And I'm gonna make an attempt. (audience cheering)
I'm gonna make an attempt, I'm gonna make an attempt.
Please get me through this.
If I get through this, I can go on to the next level.
I'm 87, I'll go on to who knows, 88?
(audience laughing) Anyway.
Anyway, I'm gonna try to say it.
(Carl struggling)
(beep) I said it! (audience laughing)
I said it, I said it!
- You took a comedy legend
and you destroyed this poor son of a bitch.
(audience laughing)
Can you hear that Carl?
You used to work clean, do you remember that at all?
What'd you say tonight? (beep)
You said shit, you said (beep).
You never said that in your routine,
you saved that for home when the synagogue called for money.
I'm so sick of this! (audience laughing)
- Joan, Your face is like the war in Iraq.
An expensive, bloody mess
that everybody's tired of seeing on TV.
(audience laughing)
Joan's Hebrew name is nip tuck.
(audience laughing, applauding)
This is Joan looking in the mirror.
Who are you? (audience laughing)
She outlasted all the dead people
that should be here roasting her.
(audience laughing, applauding)
I know Bette Davis stroke and all is looking up from hell,
just going, Joan Rivers!
We are all waiting for you down here,
waiting for you and your immobile face.
I had a stroke, you know?
Yes, I had a stroke, but I never had any work done.
No, no. I did it the hard way.
You were the smart one, Joan.
You had plastic surgery early on.
So after your stroke, no one could ever tell.
(audience laughing)
I saw that movie you guys did together.
Fantastic, great TV movie the two of you did,
about their lives, mother and daughter.
It was called "Grey Gardens". (audience laughing)
Melissa, I'm hungry! Get me some cat food.
Mother, I can't find the can opener!
Use my teeth, they're in a jar by the sink.
And you were brilliant in "The Vagina Monologues".
Ugh, my vagina talks and talks and talks
and doesn't know what the (beep) it's saying.
That's not true. My vagina does talk.
And all it says is water, water!
Oil can, oil can!
I adore you and that is the reason why I'm here.
I think you're brilliant. You're funnier now than ever.
And that is honestly the truth.
I mean, you've always been brilliant.
You're genius, and I adore you
and I thank you very much and thank you very much.
- And speaking of men in fishnets, I love that transition.
(audience laughing)
What am I gonna say to you, Mario? Welcome to the dais.
Dorothy, you're not in Ken's ass anymore.
You're in the big time. (audience laughing)
You took a last week and Rock Hudson came out.
(audience laughing)
- Joan, I loved you in "The Wrestler".
(audience laughing, applauding)
Joan Rivers has done some TV.
I actually recently saw her vagina
on an episode of "The Deadliest Catch".
(audience laughing)
I can't imagine what that vagina looks like.
Joan's vagina is so old,
it has a separate entrance for black (beep).
(audience laughing)
- Now I just have to talk about you, honey.
- Oh. - Who the (beep) are you?
(audience laughing, clapping)
Whitney came to me all sweet.
I want your advice, I'm a young comedian
and I want you (mumbles).
I'll give you advice.
I'll give you the same advice I gave to David Carradine.
Hang in there. Now.
(audience laughing)
- You know, there's been a lot of speculation tonight
about Joan Rivers' vagina.
How old is it? How dry is it?
How many men died during its construction?
(audience laughing)
Well, good people, I have had sex with Joan Rivers.
And I can tell you from experience,
that her much maligned vagina
is in fact a glorious thing of unparalleled beauty.
It was early in my career,
I walked into the green room at caterizing star,
who do I see, the great Joan Rivers.
At this point in my life, I'd already had sexual congress
with dozens of Joan Rivers impersonators.
And most were total gentleman, like Mr. Mario Canto.
(audience laughing)
But Joan was an animal, she quickly disrobed.
Her ashy, yellow, veiny skin
was cold and smooth to the touch like a dead Komodo dragon.
(audience laughing)
Which made my young comic custard cannon rock hard.
She spread her legs
and I was immediately blinded by a flurry of bats.
(audience laughing)
When the bats had cleared, I saw it.
The fabled Joan Rivers vagina. It was magnificent.
A gleaming pink flower glistening with morning dew.
It filled the room with sunshine and rainbows.
A unicorn looked out of it.
Winking as if to beckon me inside.
(audience laughing)
"Take me" Joan hissed, "fill me with your seed
"so I may live another century".
(audience laughing)
She climbed atop two cases of Rolling Rock
and began thrusting her heavenly loins
onto my young comic's goo bazooka.
I shouted, "take it all, my bubbie".
(audience laughing)
Then she exploded, sending a hot rush of love slime,
sloshing to the floor where it burned a hole
into the sewer below.
Spent, I fell backward tumbling
into the furiously masturbating Tom Arnold
only to watch the great Joan Rivers slither away
into the open drain pipe. (audience laughing)
I'll never forget that sight
because I haven't been able to open my eyes since.
(audience laughing, applauding)
- Gilbert Gottfried, I am a 76 year old woman.
I sat there. I haven't got that much (beep) time left.
Your set was longer than Bernie Madoff's prison sentence.
I mean, on (shrieking).
Open your (beep) eyes, the audience is leaving you.
(audience laughing) (Joan shrieking)
Sick of you.
You are loud, you are obnoxious.
You make me ashamed to be Jewish.
I have become a Jew hater tonight.
You know what I'm gonna do?
Do you know what I'm gonna do when I leave here?
I am gonna go to Malibu
and I'm gonna give Mel Gibson a (beep) job.
That's how much I hate you! (audience laughing)
That's how much I hate you! (audience applauding)
(upbeat music)