(tense dramatic music) - I love that you
came to my house,
and you broke up with me in my space,
and I'm gonna I think about that every time I'm here.
That's great, that is so perfect for me.
It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. (stammering)
- Okay, wh-where else was I supposed to do it?
'Cause you won't come to my house.
- Oh, here he is, - I wanted to-
- the puppet master is back.
- But I'm not, I'm not,
no, I'm not the puppet master. - Then why are you
doing this to me?
- It's true, you won't come to my house.
You said my apartment looks like
two rats just (beep) in it every (beep) day.
- Oh, right, like, thank you for that.
I'm a bitch, thank you.
(quick beatbox music) (bubbles popping)
(latch clicks)
(briefcase thuds) - [Stanley] Where is he?
- Stanley. - Huh?
- (gasps lightly) What's going on?
- Oh, come on, I know you've been cheating on me.
- You're being ridiculous,
Stanley. - Andrea, enough is enough.
I know you have been (beep) a dog behind my back!
- What?
A dog?
A dog? That is insane!
- Then why did I find this in the laundry room, huh?
(toy clatters) (dog barks)
- Oh my God. (laughs incredulously)
He's here right now, isn't he?
He's in my house right now!
- Stanley! No, wait! (dog growling)
(dog growls)
- You!
(dog snarls) (Stanley screaming)
(Andrea gasps)
(Stanley shouting)
(floor thuds)
(Stanley shouting) (dog snarling)
(blow thuds) (Andrea yelps)
(blows thudding)
(Stanley yelling) (frames clattering)
(Stanley grunting) (blows thudding)
(dog snarling) (Stanley shouting)
(dog panting)
(dog barks) (Stanley panting)
(dog whimpers)
Oh.
I see.
You
need to know
your dog ruined a 10-year marriage.
(dog whimpering)
And you can go to hell.
(dog lapping)
Yeah, he's cute.
He's cute, I can see why you like him.
(file rasping)
- So what do you wanna do tonight?
Like, I was thinking maybe we could meet up
with Amy and Brad,
and, like, before that,
we could go to Angelo's,
and before that we could, like, just go buy-
- Meegan!
I have something to say.
(exhales sharply)
I had to say it in person
because it's,
it's, like, super important.
- Okay.
- Um,
I know this is sudden, (soft somber music)
but, like, I've been thinking about this for a while
and I know this is something that needs to happen.
I'm breaking up with you.
- Cool. Love it.
Totally fine with that.
- Re-really?
- Yeah.
- 'Cause I thought...
I was,
I was really worried that you were gonna be, like, mad.
- Mad?
Oh my God. Are you kidding me?
No! Of course I'm not mad.
People grow apart.
It happens.
It's, like, part of life.
No, I'm totally fine.
Like, love it.
Love it. Love it.
- Um. (clears throat) (soft tender music)
So...
Uh, um, you know, we, we had a good run.
Yeah.
(tender music swelling)
D-d-don't be stranger.
- Can I just, (music drops)
can I ask why?
- Why?
- Yeah. Like, whatevs. (low tense music)
Like, I'm doing some work on myself
and like trying to grow as a person, so
- Cool, cool. - I'd really, like,
appreciate to know why.
- Yeah. Um, okay, yeah. (tense music building)
That's, like, you know,
I think that you're kind of like a,
a controlling person-
- Thank you.
Thank you for that.
That's nice. Thank you for that.
- Cool. No problem. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- So you know what your problem is, Andre?
- What?
- You keep tabs on people.
Every little thing somebody does,
you have to keep a tab of it.
- Wait, I, I,
I can't tell if you're angry or not.
- I'm not.
Totally not angry.
- Okay. - No, I'm excited. It's good.
It's just, like, you said your piece,
- Mm-hmm. - and I just think
that I deserve the human decency to say my piece.
- Right. Right.
- Is that,
is that not okay, or? - No, no, no, it's...
No, of course. Of course.
- You're a controlling, manipulative person.
Everyone says it.
- I, I, I don't think that I am.
- Yes, you are, Andre.
Yes, you (beep) are.
- Okay, n-now, you sound pretty angry.
- I'm not angry!
I'm not angry.
I'm fine!
I love it!
I love that you came to my house,
and you broke up with me in my space,
and I'm gonna think about that every time I'm here.
That's great. That is so perfect for me.
It's the best thing that's ever happened. (stammering)
- Okay, wh-wh-where else was I supposed to do it?
'Cause you won't come to my house.
- Oh, here he is, - I wanted to-
- the puppet master is back. - But I'm not, I'm not,
no, I'm not the puppet master. - Then why are you
doing this to me?
- It's true, you won't come to my house.
You said my apartment looks like
two rats just (beep) in it every (beep) day.
- Oh, right, like, thank you for that.
I'm a bitch, thank you.
- I didn't, no, I didn't say bitch, I didn't,
all I said was that- - So which is it?
Am I evil or am I a bitch?
- No, no, you're not evil, Meegan. You're not-
- Well, then, why are you punishing me?
- I'm not, I'm not punishing you!
I'm not- - You broke up with me,
and I'm not supposed to feel punished?
Who thinks like that?
- (stammering) I don't know!
I'm, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry. Okay, Meegan?
I, I guess I didn't think it through!
- Well, it's like too late now.
I mean, we're done.
- No, it's not too late.
Meegan! Meegan, seriously.
I just, I, I, I,
I had a feeling that I thought was true,
and clearly, clearly, it wasn't true.
- I'm so confused.
Like, like, are you breaking up with me
or are you not breaking up with me?
- Meegan!
I'm not breaking up with you! (tense music drops)
- Okay, cool, so what do you wanna do tonight?
Like, I wanna hang out with Amy and Brad,
but maybe before that, (intense ominous music)
we could go to Angelo's,
and before that, we could go buy some things.
- What just happened?
- Oh, thank you.
- I wish I could just stay at my old place,
but I can't afford the new rent.
- Yeah, moving sucks.
You know, strangers handling your belongings.
The movers always break something.
- Oh, no, I can't afford professional movers.
I'm moving myself this Saturday.
(dramatic ominous music)
I'm gonna do most of the small stuff just going back
and forth with my hatchback.
Oh, do you think you can borrow your roommate's van?
You can help me with some of the big stuff?
(ominous music softens)
- Um...
Yeah.
You know what?
I've been thinkin' a lot lately,
and I think we need to spend some time apart.
N-not to break up.
No, I just, I just,
just some time.
Time apart to figure ourselves out,
and, and, and then,
and then we come back together stronger, you know?
- But this is coming outta nowhere.
- No, it's not.
I've, I have, I have tried to tell you
like a, like a million different ways,
but y-you don't listen.
See, that's the thing,
is that you, you never listen.
I don't need this time apart for me.
I need this time apart for us.
How long do you think it's gonna take you to move?
- Okay.
This is about the move.
You don't wanna help me move.
- Wha-what?
I would, I would love to help you move.
That's what boyfriends do.
Claire!
- I just think that it's a weird coincidence
that you need space right when I'm about to move.
- Oh my God!
Oh my God.
I am so sorry
that I didn't plan my emotional turmoil around your move.
Look at, look at your face. See?
And now, you've assumed the worst of me
because you do that,
and that's why we need to spend time
apart from each other.
- That is not fair!
- Not f-fair?
Babe,
all I'm asking for is 12 lousy hours this Saturday.
- Okay, fine!
- Okay, fi-fine? (sighs)
- We'll move on Sunday.
- 48 hours.
I don't know what I was thinking.
12 hours
is nowhere near enough time
to do what I need to do to make our relationship stronger.
See, you got me all confused,
and you know what?
I love you, but I gotta get outta here.
I can't, I just can't.
I don't...
I'm so confused right now. (phone chimes)
I feel, I, I can't think,
and the walls are closing in on me,
and I just don't know what to do.
I...
- That was my landlord.
He says he doesn't want to lose me as a tenant,
so he is not going to raise my rent.
(phone beeps)
Now, I don't have to leave my place.
- And I don't need time apart (soaring romantic music)
because we're perfect together.
Will you marry me?
(romantic music drops)
- You're painting my apartment.
- Of course I'm painting your apartment,
that's what boyfriends do.
When, exactly, do you think that's gonna happen?
- Oh, go on like that. (energetic dance music)
- What? That's amazing.
- He's so good at this.
- Amazing!
- I know! Look at your points.
(group chattering)
- Oh, oh! Oh! - Oh, look at that!
Nice. Nice! (laughs) (group applauding)
- Dude. (video game beeping)
You have absolutely mastered this game.
- Yeah, well, since Sheila left,
I've been spending a lot of time
- Here we go. - playing the game.
- You're doing really good. - Yeah.
- Thank you.
- That's why we're here, man!
Help you get over
her
and check out this awesome new game you have!
- Yay.
- You know, I left something in another room.
Um, excuse me, everyone.
(chipper video game music)
- Should we? Sure?
- Oh, he still has the sensors on. (chuckles)
- Oh, look. - Is that him in his room?
- Yeah. You can see him, that's funny.
What is he doing?
Is he, is he on his knees?
Did he drop to his knees?
- Oh! (chuckles awkwardly)
- Aw. No, no, no... - He's probably looking for-
- No, look, he's, he's crying. - Oh.
- He's crying.
Oh no.
- He's just... - No, no, he's shuddering.
- Just shaking. - He's shuddering.
Is he fetal?
Yeah, he curled up.
Look at that, he's fetal.
- Hey, Craig, buddy!
You all right up there?
- Uh, yeah, Bob!
I-I-I'm coming right out.
(fast techno game music)
- Oh, he, um... - Hey.
- Hey.
Man.
You all right?
- Yes! Yeah.
Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.
It's just my sinuses (sniffs) are acting up.
Yeah!
Yeah. I, um...
I was just, you know, I was just thinking about Sheila,
and you know what?
I am, I am totally over her.
- Awesome! - Awesome.
- Hey, let's get this party started!
- Sure. Yeah.
Oh.
(frame scrapes)
Uh...
I forgot to get rid of this picture of Sheila.
Excuse me. - Hey, maybe leave the sensor
so one of us can play!
(chipper video game music)
(Bob sighs)
- Oh, he's dancing.
He's dancing with the photo.
Is he, he's doing,
he's doing this with it,
is he kissing it?
- Guys, we don't... - I think he's kissing it.
- You know what, I'm gonna turn this off
'cause we don't need to-
- You change it, and you die.
He's undoing his buckle.
Look at this.
His pants are coming off, his pants are coming off.
Oh, God.
- Yeah. - No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
- Okay, that's happening.
- Oh no, no, no. - Oh my gosh.
- Is he, he's,
he is totally on the bed. - Yeah.
- He's totally flat on the bed.
- [Bob] Oh, maybe he's shaking a can of hairspray.
- Oh God! - Gross.
- Ugh.
- Oh, gross.
(girls groaning) (techno game music)
- We, we shouldn't be.
Okay, you know...
- Is he reaching down for his foot?
- I don't- - That's his foot, isn't it?
Is that his foot?
- I don't... - Hm...
- And coming back, coming back.
(muttering)
(Craig exhales sharply)
- I am sorry, everybody. (rapid techno game music)
Would you like me to make some snacks?
- Wash your hands first?
(video game chirps) (warbling game music)
(PA speaker warbling)
(wife sighs) (machine beeping steadily)
- Don. - Yes?
I'm here.
- Promise you'll never forget about me.
- (sighs softly) Yes.
Of course. (soft somber music)
- Promise me you'll take care of our little girl.
Love her.
- Yes.
(sniffles) With all my heart.
- Promise me you'll stay strong for her.
- (sniffling) Yes.
Yes.
I promise.
- And promise me you'll never sleep with another woman.
(tutting softly)
- I hear you.
- Promise me you'll take care of Mr. McFluffyTail.
- Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
That cat will be (sniffs) the most loved cat in the world.
- And that you won't look at porn.
- Mm...
(wailing softly)
- Huh?
- Uh... (stammering)
- Is that yes?
(gibbering)
- Check.
- No pornography.
- Buster Brown says what?
- Is that a yes?
- (sputtering) Yo better believe
I heard what you said, girl.
- You love me, right?
- Yes! I love you.
Yes.
- And we're soulmates, right?
- Yes.
- So you will never, ever, ever think of someone else
while masturbating, right?
- Message received.
- I don't understand, is that a yes?
(speaks Spanish)
- Is that a promise?
- Your request has been filed.
- Say you promise.
- Fuhgeddabou...
Huh?
- I need to hear you say it.
- It. - I, say, "I promise."
- You promise.
- You,
you promise?
Say it.
- Okay, I promise.
- No air quotes.
♪ Promises are things that lovers have ♪
Say it.
Say it!
- I promise.
I promise.
- What are you promising?
- I promise what you said.
- (sighs) Fine, forget it.
- Yes.
I mean,
okay.
- Will you at least promise to go see my mom every day?
- So zero pornography? Done.
I like that.
Nurse!
Fix my wife!
(sobbing)
Don't touch me right now. (stammering)
Not all about you.
(upbeat funk music)
♪ All I want, yeah ♪
♪ But I don't need you ♪