what's up everybody today I wanted to
sit here and turn on the camera and talk
to you guys about some really serious
subjects some issues that I have been
dealing with for a long time and just
have a one on one with you guys this
video is something that I feel like I
owe to my entire audience through the
last ten years I have lived my life on
social media which is really crazy to
think about it's been a really long
journey from being a little musician on
a little website to my career now and as
I sit here I realized that I have a
bigger platform sometimes than I realize
myself and there are millions of people
out there that watch me that know about
my life that follow my story and I feel
like it's time that I get out a little
bit more of my story and this video is
mainly about something that is a really
[ __ ] up subject that I've had to dealt
with for a long time and it concerns old
videos that were filmed of me twelve
years ago now I want to go on the record
and say that I know there's a lot of
people out there that love and support
me there are millions of you that watch
my videos that are out there and that
support me but there is also other
people out there that do not like me and
that's okay if you do not like what I'm
about if you hate me if you despise me
if you're not into what I'm about you do
not need to watch this but I would
really appreciate if you could listen to
my story and what I have to say with an
open mind and I think from human being
to human being
[ __ ] YouTube [ __ ] all the [ __ ] [ __ ]
the makeup everything that we are so
consumed with past all the fun tutorials
past everything I want to speak to you
as a human being that breathes on this
earth with you and lately not lately for
the last few years as I have joined the
YouTube community I have been definitely
subjected to a lot of drama and I get it
you know I am a hot topic I have always
been outspoken
and you know someone that looks
different and I realized that with all
of that is going to come to negative
obviously the positive is so unreal but
the negative can be very very dark and
ugly and every time that I get into an
online and you know conflict or
confrontation or some crazy feud whether
it's with my ex best friend or a
celebrity or other youtubers a lot of
stuff from my past constantly gets
dragged up it's been happening for years
in these videos I say some really
disgusting vile nasty and embarrassing
things and you know what's [ __ ] up the
past can never be erased it is always
going to be there and my past has been
recorded it's been video it has been
exploited all over the internet and I'm
sitting here and those videos were 12
years ago and I'm and I look at them and
I see them resurface and it just makes
me sick to my stomach because I don't
know who that person was
I know who I am today I know exactly the
person I am today but I do not know who
that person was the person that said
those horrible vile things that person
was depressed that person was just angry
at the world that person felt like they
were not accepted that person was
seeking attention I was someone that
loved to seek attention when I was
younger I loved the shock value
I loved fighting anger with anger and I
didn't know any better and does that
make it okay absolutely not I want to
look everyone in the eyes and let you
know that everything that you have seen
is so just wrong it's upsetting it's
nasty it really makes me sick to my
stomach to watch those old videos
because what I was saying is not what I
represent I think that racism is a very
serious subject especially in today's
world I'm embarrassed as a person
because that is not what I've ever stood
for I am all about self-expression
self-worth self-love and I think it's
awful that you guys have to seem
and not light because I don't ever want
that to take away the message that I
have always been about so I want to sit
here and I have talked about this before
on MySpace back in the day I have
addressed this on snapchat I have talked
about this on Twitter in the past but
that is not good enough because for
everyone out there that supports me that
believes in me I owe you the truth and I
owe you an apology I am so sorry for my
words I am so sorry for everything that
I've said in my past I can never turn
back time and take those moments away
they happened I have owned up with them
and I have lived with it for a long time
and every time that they get read rag
dup it just makes me just sad because I
don't know who that person was I think
it's really important to share that
growing up I I've always been a guy in
makeup I started wearing makeup in tenth
grade and the world was not how it is
today ten years ago there were no guys
in makeup on YouTube there was no men
and makeup parading the streets there
was no people like me and I was very
alone and I was also fearless I did not
care that the world was not accepting me
I knew that I loved makeup I know why I
was attracted to makeup I come from a
family of chaos alcoholism and abuse and
when I discovered makeup that was my
happy place I got to go and go playing
makeup for hours and escape the horrible
reality that was my life and my shitty
[ __ ] parents and my crazy upbringing
and you know ten years ago when I left
the house I wish it was like today I
think that people don't realize how it
really was and I would leave the house
and people would spit on me they would
scream [ __ ] at me they would scream
freak and they would degrade me every
single day and what did I do
I fought back with rage and looking back
I am 31 years old now and looking back
at that person who had just graduated
high school who had turn 18 turned 19
and then was just out to the world I was
emotionally abused
every time that I left the house people
did not accept me I would be walking
down the street and people would scream
[ __ ] out their car every single day I
felt like a piece of [ __ ] so what did I
do
I fought back with anger I fought back
with rage and it's wrong I want to set
an example for the youth and the future
in front of me
and I want to go on record and let you
know that that is not okay
just because someone insults you it is
not okay to fight back but sometimes
that's how we handle things we're human
beings and I think that at the end of
the day people forget pass the money the
cars the clothes I am just one tiny
little person on this earth trying to
make a better life for me and my family
and I am nowhere near perfect I am
literally the furthest thing from
perfect I make mistakes every day but
I've learned from them and the intent
behind my words back then it was not
about race racism does not live inside
of me I don't even know what the [ __ ]
like I don't know how that exists into
people I said really horrible vicious
things back to people to hurt them to
harm them to shock them and to let them
know that you you're gonna call me
something I'm gonna cut you back so hard
and make you feel like a piece of [ __ ]
because you made me feel low and that is
not okay it is not okay to fight words
with words like that and I have been
subject to a lot of stuff recently the
last two years has been so difficult
it's also been such a blessing I have
never had this much success in my career
and all of you out there that have
supported me like I will never be able
to thank you enough for the gift you
have given me but I also think that it's
really important to share things and let
you know that I'm not perfect I'm wrong
all the time you know and even recently
when people were saying some [ __ ] up
[ __ ] to me or trying to you know get a
reaction
I do give in I am weak I am weak I'm
selfish I have anger problems sometimes
I lash out when people lash out at me
still to this day when someone wants to
try me or start something I'm the first
one that's like what [ __ ] you want you
want to try me let's go
I've called people stupid I've called
people rats
call people annoying I've called people
every name in the book when they attack
me back because it's hard not to react
sometimes and I think that people forget
you know maybe once in a while the
average person will hear an insult but
when you are online the bullying and the
extreme hate that can come your way it
is really hard to deal with it is hard
to log on and every day there are people
saying you're great and then there's
people telling you you're an AIDS
infested [ __ ] and you look like a
[ __ ] horse and you should kill
yourself those are things that I have to
read every day and mentally process them
as okay this is how someone feels about
me great can I you know lose sleep every
night worrying about it no I can't but I
need to learn to just process it and get
out my anger some other way and not even
respond to people and let's go back to
12 years ago because so many people have
heard rumors or if they've seen a clip
and they don't see the full spectrum and
I am so sorry that any of you ever had
to see me like that it makes me want to
just I don't know it makes Mona erase
myself sometimes I look at that and I'm
just like I can't believe I used to be
that miserable and that unhappy so I
want to let you guys know that I am so
sorry for ever saying those things that
does not represent anything how I feel
that is not who I am
and I apologize deep down to the core of
my [ __ ] being and that person does
not exist anymore I'm all about trying
to bring awareness to self-expression
and love and I want all of you guys to
learn from my mistakes if you take one
thing away from this video please do not
make the same mistakes that I did and I
also want to say that I know that there
are millions of people out there there
are people watching this right now that
are judged by what they believe in by
who they are by how they look by the
color of their skin and I am just one in
a million that has to deal with these
type of prejudices every single day so I
don't want you to see an old video of me
and be like wow Jeffrey says this but
he's really about this
and it's it's embarrassing because I
don't want it to tarnish what I stand
for right now and we have come a long
way with human rights we have I mean in
the last 10 years you guys it is crazy
how life used to be and how it is now
but there are still so much there's just
so much growth to happen this world is
still so dark and miserable and there
are so many crazy things happening that
I don't know if everyone fully realizes
what it is to be different life is too
short you guys I cannot spend every day
thinking about my past I have moved
forward I know what I stand for now and
I want to be a better person I want to
be a better person from the person I was
last week
I want to learn and grow and I think
that is what's most important for all of
us I don't want to deal with anger and
rage and drama anymore I just feel like
it's just so unhealthy and it eats away
at you and whether it's a little online
filled with a makeup brand or it's with
an ex friend or it's with this I'm just
tired of feeding into it and I am a
victim of that you guys I know
perpetuated stuff I have fueled fires
and it's just wrong and I don't want to
continue that behavior
I should be setting an example and I
have been completely doing the opposite
over the last few years and all of this
is just I think it's come to a point
where this video is necessary not just
about me bit but I want everyone to
learn from me and my wrongs when you're
being attacked or someone is bullying
you or hurting you it's okay to defend
yourself it's okay to respond but be
careful of how you respond because how I
handle things was not okay and you never
know how it is going to affect another
person and I know so many of you deal
with this [ __ ] on the daily basis but
remember what you say to the next
stranger could affect them in ways that
you do not know you just got to stay
strong and realize that hurting someone
else back is
ever gonna satisfy you I had an empty
void all through my early 20s I didn't
know who I was I was always angry I
never you know just I never felt really
accepted and I was always alone and if
you have those feelings that's okay you
will overcome them but it's going to
take time and it's going to take a lot
of self analyzation and you have to want
to change and you have to want to grow I
know what I need to work on and fighting
with people online and all this [ __ ]
is so unhealthy and it's something that
I'm going to completely stop you know I
get people that try to get a reaction
for me all the time whether they make a
video about me whether they talk about
my relationship whether they degrade how
I look it's hard to process sometimes
and like deal with you know and I'm not
gonna fit into anymore I am NOT going to
feed the fire of hate with hate I just
think it has to stop you know I don't
know what it is over the last three
years I just feel like I am on a whole
nother level of real happiness I never
let myself experience happiness in my
early 20s happiness was something that
was foreign to me and I don't know
whether it's from being in love or being
in a relationship or actually achieving
all my goals that I ever wanted when I
was little but I have never been this
happy and I don't want other people and
Outsiders to affect my happiness and I
have to stop letting them so this is my
story this is what I've been wanting to
say to you guys for a long time if you
are still listening thank you for
listening it means something to me that
I don't know how to explain I don't want
to sit here and try it oh thank you guys
so much no but thank you just for
listening and hearing me out because you
don't have to you can judge me and say
[ __ ] him forever and that's okay you're
allowed to have whatever thoughts you
want but if you are listening to this
thank you I love you guys my